Thread by @paushinski

Previously on ‘IKnowAGuy
The OLX Factor: Episode 2.

Si the bank has called me, and I am lucky I have been not been swindled. I am like… Once bitten.

Meanwhile, Dr. Mwaura whoever he is calling me. I lenga first few time and then I pick it up, composed.

‘Hallo.’

He says he can’t make to All Saints but he can tell me where to send them, I don’t have to go myself. He can send someone to pick them up.

I tell him the cheque has bounced and I don’t want his business.

Heeeeh… akajistua.

Ati ‘That’s impossible. I have more the 5 million in that account.’

Then I tell him, please don’t call me ever again.

Man, akaanza vijisarakasi kwa simu.

Apime apima.

'Oh… Paul. You are a conman. I will find you. I know you got to church at All Saints. I even know your car. I know your pastors. I know where you went to school…

He talks and talks and taaaaalks. And then he says, ‘I am going to sue you.

Me: Umemaliza? I cut him off.

He calls again.

'I will tell your father that you're now conning people in Nairobi.’

Nikamwita, Dr. Mutua.
Akasema, Yes!

BOOM.

Me: I don’t want your business.

Then he says, ‘Nirudishie pesa zangu saa hizi. I need to do 1-2-3, 1-2-3. I can even import those things tomorrow.’

I tell him, 'Tell your bank to reverse the payment. Don’t call me again.

Buda, man dem calls me like 6 more times. Alafu he sends me a text. ‘Nitakupata!’

I'm already worked up, and all. The whole drama is replaying in my head over and over. I am like, enyewe mimi ni Maasai.

On my way home, I decide to call a ‘pal’ in the police and ask him what to do.

PUUUUUULLLLOOOOP!!! REWIND & COME BACK AGAIN SELEKTA.

I am going to change names and places here so as identities are hidden. Any semblance is purely coincidental and no harm is meant at all.

While attending church in All Saints, I used to shoot their big days. All Saints holds Chaplaincy in both, as in other major sectors within government. And they have REALLY BIG STATE LEVEL DAYS. Those big days always involve the Police.

I was able to make friends with some.

During the enthronement of the current ACK Archbishop, my gear was held by state security for clearance. A senior cop came & cleared me. During another service for the police, I took a photo of him & framed it. Akasema, 'Call me ukiwa in my area tukunywe chai. He's OCS level.'

I tell him what Don Vito Corleone tells Bonasera in the very first scene of The Godfather Triology.

‘Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, consider this [justice] a gift ... for this day.’

In my heart of course.

That’s the guy I call.

I explain to him what's up and he starts hard interrogating me.

‘Ati ilikuwa aje?
Mlijuania wapi?
Wewe pia conman?
Mlipatana wapi?
Akasema nini?
Wewe ndio ulideposit hiyo cheque?
Kwa nini unapatia watu account number yako?
Ati ulisema mnafanya kazi nao?’

He asks me those questions more than 20 times.

Those swalis are getting frustrated. Finally he tells me, ‘Nenda hapo Police Station. Tafuta Officer anaitwa Gwiji. Explain to him everything you have told me, and tell him to take a statement, and that you are reporting a crime.’

Me: Sawa OCS. Ahsante.
OCS: My friend. Don't go home if you haven't made the report.

It’s 6 something. I start out.

30 minutes later, he calls and tells me, he has talked to Gwiji. I tell him I am on the way.

Gwiji also calls me and tells me I am wasting his time. ‘Uko wapi?’

A few minutes I'm there.

He tells me, ‘Mzae amesema uko na noma fulani? Ebu nishow?

I explain to him from scratch. He is like zii, this story doesn’t add up. He calls another cop. Same drill. I talk to 6 cops who ask me to tell them everything from scratch. They are thorough!

I checked in kitu 7:30pm. I leave around 10:15/30 huko. They even buy me dinner.

I get home. I explain juu juu the drama, but focus is on I did not get played.

Oh wait, by the way, by the time I am leaving, I have relived that story, I am now fully conscious of what happened.

I have an OB Number. I have an official stament in.

OCS is called and given feedback, and I am glad all is well.

Sato I go for a run. On Sunday I do church and thank God for that mercy.

On Monday morning, I have an 8:30 at Galleria.

Fam, I kid you not, at exact 8:00am, on Langata Road heading towards Galleria, my phone rings. It’s those numbers that are too sequential they are legitimately official. 0722 triple something, triple something.

I lenga it.

He calls again. I pick, and the guy says hallo.

I'm hoping nimeshinda kitu Safaricom.

‘Hallo, can I please call you in 10 minutes.’

Them: Is this Paul?

Me: Yes.

Them: Alright, I will call you in 10 minutes.

Exactly 10 minutes later, ‘Krrrrrrrring. Krrrrrrrring.’

Me: Hallo.

Them: Mr. Paul. My name is… wait for it… waiiiiit… Detective Omolo*. I am calling you concerning a cheque that you deposited at your bank last week. Is this a good time to talk.

Me: About that cheque…

I start my explanations again. NIME PANIC YANGU YOTE!

He cuts me short.

CID: I do not want us to talk about it on phone. What time do you think you can come to our headquarters?

Me: I have a meeting, can I come after I finish? Around 12?
CID: Where are you?
Me: Galleria.
CID: Good. I am glad you did not lie to me.

I'm shook. Kai. Kanjeve.

CID: That’s is a good thing.

Me: Sawa.

Them: Please try for 12:00pm. If I leave f I will let you know.

Me: Sawa.

CID: Mr. Otieno (Switches to Luo.) Please don’t give me the hard task of coming for you. We both will not enjoy it.

Me: OK.

CID: Have a good day. See you later.

As soon as I hang up. Another call. It's the bank.

‘Hi. We've been instructed to stop all transactions from this account until further notice. Are you aware?’

Me: No. Not really?

Bank: Ok. There was a cheque that they are trying to follow up on. Are you aware?

Me: Yes. I know about it.
Bank: Ok. Did you make a report?
Me: Yes. I did. Is it possible to find out who deposited the cheque?
Bank: Let me check. (Short silence.) It says it is you?
Me: Sawa. Haina mambo.

Hangs up.

Again, shortly…

‘Krrrrrrrring. Krrrrrrrring.’

‘Hallo. Is this Mr. You almost got conned and now have a cheque in your name that is now being investigated?’

‘Yes.’

‘This is the anti-fraud unit of the bank. We are following up about a certain check from so and so bank. We'd like to know what happened. Can you visit our HQ?’

‘I have several stops to make about the same cheque. I can make time later.’

‘Are you able to start here.’

‘Me. I’ll see.’

Two more phone calls and I am pupuing bricks.

Hapo ndio nikajua IT HAS SMELT A GOOD ONE!

I call the OCS Level guy and tells him I am needed at the CID.

The OCS chap tells me not to go alone. To go, get Gwiji and he will take me.

I abandon the meeting, nikakimbia stenje. Gwiji yeye huyo one time ametokezea. I tel him everything that has happened.

He does nothing for about one hour. And then he says, 'Twende!'

We use his car.

First stop, the Bank's HQ in Westie.

I go in and ask for the guy who called me. Whe he comes out, he goteas this cop like real boys. They laugh and laugh, and then I go in for the drilling.

He says Gwiji can't come in. Gwiji insists. He sits playing with his phone as I sweat.

My statement is taken, photocopied etc.

I am released. But the bank guy says, 'Ebu endeni ile bank ingine first. Find out why that cheque has attracted so much attention. Because we see this everyday.

Phewx.

Sisi hao mdogo mdogo tumeingia Chiromo. I ask for relevant guy.

The guy says, 'Ebu come 6th Floor.'

We go into a boardroom. Tukapewa chai na tu ndunyu tutamu tutamu. Zika nice.

30 minutes later some six guys, all cops, come in.

CRAAAAAP!!! What the hell is this? What did I get myself into?

Cops say, we can take interrogation to Kiambu Rd.

Gwiji kwanza laughs laughs with those guys and then he says, 'Ask all the questions here. In fact, you should be glad he came forth himself!'

They ask ask a few questions, make phone calls and all, saa nane tukaletewa lanj but I am unable to eat. Chipo na ngoks wakashikisha.

A few minutes to 12, Omolo man calls and asks where I am.

I tell him and then he tells me to give one of the guys the phone. I give Gwiji.

They laugh kidogo and then he explains all our journey.

And then he says, we have to go to Kiambu.

The BIG DEAL here so far, is 'Who deposited the cheque?'

I give them the numbers. They have reports on those numbers that are now not working or are either off.

I explain how the guys look like, etc. Everything.

Alafu tukachomoka.

So now ni gari mbili zinafuatana.

Gwiji says, 'Hapana. Let's go to the branch. Wacha tubonge nao.'

He calls Omolo and says we meet in City Centre.

They go to the branch, speak to a very nasty branch manager, but she hands them over to security.

Mimi niko na majama wawili kwa gari.

They come out after 2 hours.

Omolo comes and says hi to me and tells me, 'Usisafiri mbali na usizime simu.

I say sawa. Am I free to go?

Yes. However some of the cops want something for the inconvenience.

I insist I do not have cash and that is why I was selling those things. They pressure pressure but no!

Gwiji tells them, mwacheni huyu mtoi. Hana kitu.

They are pissed but they back down.

We start for the station for the car at about 4. Ninafaa kuwa BSF by the way.

We get there and OCS chap is there. Gwiji goes in & briefs him. They take onehour.

I want to go and I want to go.

The he calls me in and explains to me everything.

1. That cheque was from a stolen cheque book.
2. It was a robbery.
3. With violence.
4. A few people received the same (and different) cheques.
5. They may have gotten one of the guys.
6. If I lied that I don't know those guy...

And then he tells me, 'NEVER GIVE ANYONE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER! Ever.'

Nenda nyumbani.

Gwiji later tells me, 'Ni ukweli. Ilikuwa ni robbery. Na huyo Patel alikuwa amesema hataki chochote irudishwe. But anataka wale wote walikuwa wamehusika washikwe na wamalizwe.'

Sijaonekana OLX toka hiyo siku.

I would rather die than sell anything on OLX!!!

PS: Next Week on #IKnowAGuy: Episode 3:
The 'Can I Hire Your Car' Syndicate. And a few dark nights in the Nairobi Remand Prison.

Here is Episode 1, for those who are asking.

https://twitter.com/paushinski/status/1189131541592576007