Thread by @gradydoctor

#AmazingGrady, Day 11

"Some type of way"

You'd been so upbeat before. So animated and full of light. Out of breath, yes. But joyful still. I pulled up a chair to sit down and just soak it up.

Today? It was none of that. Just quiet cooperation and a cloak of melancholy.

Hmmm.

2/
Me: "What's wrong?"
You: *shrug* "I'm okay."
Me: "Really? You seem different. Like you're not okay."
You: *silence*
Me: *silence*

Another shrug.

I slowed my movements and looked for a chair. Perhaps if you didn't feel like I was too busy to listen, you'd share.

Hmmm.

3/
I didn't like the idea of you holding on to something all by yourself while laying in a hospital bed.

And so. I told you just that.

A tear slipped out of your eye and rolled under your chin. You shook your head hard. More tears followed. Hot, mad ones.

Me: "You ok?"

4/
You: "Somebody came to talk to me about all this. Told me that if I don't do better I'm not gon' be here this time next year."

*silence*

You: "Saying 'You need to lose weight! And take your medicines! And stop missing appointments!'"

5/
You: "'And why you don't EXERCISE?! And why you keep eating FAST FOOD and SMOKING?! You keep this up and YOU GON' DIE!'"
Me: *listening*
You: "Asked me was I trying to DIE. Asked me like 3 times if that was what I wanted. Do I want to DIE? What I'm s'posed to say to that?"

6/
You: "They kept on saying it was 'tough love.' Like every few words it was 'tough love' this and 'tough love' that. But to me? It wasn't no love in it. None, you hear me?"

Another tear slipped over your nose and disappeared into your nostril.

Damn.

7/
You: "I wanted to say, 'Do you know my life? Do you live where I live? It ain't that easy!'"
Me: "Did you say that?"
You: "No. All I did was wait for it to be over. I just said, 'Okay' and acted like it was cool."

I leaned forward, twisted my mouth and kept listening.

8/
You: "That hurt my feelings. For real. Like, I know that doctor meant well but I felt some type of way about that."

Aaah.

Feeling "some type of way." A colloquialism I know well and one that speaks volumes.

Not good.
Not easily definable either.

Just. . .some type of way.

9/
Me: *silence*
You: "Like, I think when a doctor speak to you they should look you in your eye and see where you at. And if your face say this ain't okay? They need to do something else. Or just stop talking."
Me: "That's good advice for anyone."
You: "Know what? You right."

10/
I sat there thinking about all of the times I'd given someone what I thought was "tough love."

My patients.
My learners.
My parents.
My friends.
My spouse.
My children.

Sigh.

Maybe I should've looked to see where the person was at. Or just stopped talking.

Hmmm.

11/
After that, we talked more about what makes it hard for you to get your medicines and make appointments and eat healthier and move your body and move toward being a non-smoker. You told me about where you live and who you live with and what it's like.

Yep.

12/
Then we talked about a few strategies that might potentially help you make steps in the right direction. And the whole time I watched your face to see where you were.

Or if I needed to just stop talking.

13/
The doctor who gave you what was believed to be "tough love" is a good one who, I have to believe, was looking to motivate--not be unkind to you. And I told you that, too. That we are all works in progress with blind spots and ball drops.

This seemed to resonate with you.

14/
We didn't fix all your problems. But you were smiling when I left. Which, to me, was a start.

Sometimes we say lumpy things that don't land right with our patients. Sometimes they tell us. But a lot of times? They'll just quietly feel some type of way.

Yeah.

#iseeyou