I've debated whether to talk about this, and if so, when would be a good time, and I don't think there is a good time to talk about it. So, I'll tell you what happened and then explain why I'm talking about it. A few months ago, I was sexually assaulted at a public event.
There was no ambiguity or confusion in that moment, though god knows I constantly questioned if I did something wrong in the week after it happened. It was done intentionally with a clear sexual purpose, and in no way was it welcomed or encouraged in the moments leading up to it.
For reasons that I unfortunately can't go into, I'm unable to report it, and even if I could report it, I'm unconvinced it would be taken seriously by authorities. The assailant is a white cisgender male who presents as straight and has a good reputation in the D.C. community.
I had met him that night, and we were friendly in conversation. I have no problem with men respectfully flirting me in appropriate settings, and I didn't when I was in the closet. When this man did so that night, it was surprising, and I politely communicated I wasn't interested.
We continued our conversation and he was a bit handsy at moments in a way that may not be read by some as inappropriate but was nonetheless uncomfortable. At the same time, I didn't want to make a scene or create bad blood, so I quietly attempted to end the convo and move on.
And then, it happened. He leaned in for a hug and in a roomful of people, full-on grabbed my ass and then ran his hand with pressure over my crotch. It was so brazen that I froze up and then had to weigh my options very quickly.
In the seconds after it happened, one of the first things that came to mind was the anxiety from a conversation I had last year at a friend's holiday part. Several of us were upstairs in her room drinking and talking about workplace harassment and street harassment against women.
A friend of a friend, someone who I'm sure would describe herself as a progressive and LGBTQ-friendly, in the middle of the discussion, said to me:
"Charlotte, you're so lucky that trans women don't experience this."
She was politely corrected, but that really stuck with me.
"Charlotte, you're so lucky that trans women don't experience this."
She was politely corrected, but that really stuck with me.
I would be lying if I said it didn't have an effect on my reaction ten months later at this public event when I was sexually assaulted in a roomful of people. I was hoping someone had seen it. I was hoping someone might walk up and intervene. If anyone saw it, they did nothing.
And so, I did nothing. Because I wasn't convinced reacting was a good move with all the variables, even though it was done with full and clear intentionality, the biggest complicating variable being that I'm a trans woman and the person who assaulted me is a straight cis man.
Because if others don't witness it, if there are complicating factors like negotiating folks' lack of awareness on the complexity of sexuality, what can I do?
Just about any trans woman will tell you that they've been hit on by straight men, gay men, bisexual men, and folks who are non-binary. Society perceives trans women, particularly those of us who don't pass (like myself), as being unattractive to men in general. Not so much.
Cisgender men who present as straight and know I'm not particularly interested in men still contact me with flirtatious messages. It seems we navigate a chasm of understanding between our reality and much of the public who sexualizes us even while claiming we're unattractive.
It is strange to me that so many cisgender folks feel, deep down, that trans women are unattractive to men generally and yet, they remain obsessed with our sexuality. It results in a strange entitlement over our bodies that simultaneously erases our lived experiences.
This is what I was thinking about in the hours and days after that happened. Because when no one witnessed it in that full room and no one intervened, all I could think about was: who is going to believe me when it involves this straight cis man who has a good reputation?
This is a very common experience for trans women. According to the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey, 47% of trans women experience sexual assault at some point in our lifetimes, with it being a higher rate for trans women of color in general.
I am harassed on the street on a regular basis. Most of the time, it's some form of sexual remark. Sometimes, it's transphobic heckling. All of the time, it is jarring, and as with the experiences of the vast majority of women, bystanders do nothing.
I am writing this because I am tired of trans women being erased from conversations on sexual trauma and having our experiences muted by the same disbelieving people who, for some reason, find it appropriate to blatantly survey our sexuality in social settings.
I am tired of trans women having our humanity debated in the public square because of the erroneous and thoughtless perception that we pose a predatory threat to women's spaces, even while cisgender men get away with blatantly assaulting and harassing women in full view.
I have not felt safe since this happened. There are moments when I am randomly irritable. When I have been respectfully hit on by men in appropriate public settings, particularly queer spaces, I have felt repulsed and angry. And then I feel guilty for that.
And I still question if I did the right thing. I was raped as a child, so second-guessing is certainly nothing new to me, but after years of advocating on these issues, I feel humiliated for my inaction. I am angry this person gets to walk around D.C. with his reputation intact.
If I'm being truthful, I have been in a constant state of some degree of anger for two months and negotiating with myself on how to express it in a healthy way because although all women are shamed for anger, there is a particular diminishing of the anger of trans women.
I want cisgender people to do a better job of holding themselves and each other accountable on their lack of awareness on the experiences of trans and non-binary people. I want you to stop contributing to our erasure because you refuse to make the effort to educate yourself.
And above all, I don't want any trans or non-binary person to feel forced to live with trauma because they don't think others, particularly those in positions of authority, will believe them. This is our world, too, and we deserve to live in it with respect and dignity. /thread
