Thread by @MesMitch

Jimmy Kimmel on Trump: 'A rotting yam mocking a 16-year-old with Asperger's'
Late-night hosts responded to Trump’s Twitter attack on Greta Thunberg and the slog to a House vote on articles of impeachment

Jimmy Kimmel
“Today was an unpresidential day even by our very unpresidential standards,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Thursday night, a day in which Donald Trump bullied the teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg on Twitter. Thunberg, 16,

was named Time magazine’s person of the year this week for her activism, beating out finalists Nancy Pelosi, the Hong Kong protesters, the anonymous whistleblower on Trump’s pressuring of Ukraine, and Trump himself. Ever the gracious loser,

Trump called Thunberg’s Time cover “ridiculous” and tweeted that she should “work on her Anger Management problem [sic], then go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend! Chill Greta, Chill!”

It’s rich coming from “the sweaty old man who’s mad at a magazine because they didn’t put him on the cover of it”, Kimmel said. “And the fact that Greta Thunberg is a teenager makes this especially insane.”

In response, Thunberg simply changed her Twitter bio to “a teenager working on her anger management problem. Currently chilling and watching a good old fashioned movie with a friend.”

Kimmel had nothing but praise for her burn: “Trump hasn’t been roasted that thoroughly since the last time he locked himself in his tanning bed.”

Additionally, “aside from the obvious vomitousness of that rotting yam mocking a child with Asperger’s – again,

because she’s more popular than he is – this tweet he posted has the potential to get very interesting” because Trump retweeted congratulations to Thunberg from the actor Roma Downey. Downey is married to Mark Burnett, the producer of The Apprentice, and if Trump starts a war

with Burnett’s wife, Kimmel explained, Burnett could “accidentally” release all the behind-the-scenes footage from years of Trump’s defining reality TV show.

The unedited video could have “who the hell knows what – Trump crushing Sudafed and snorting it off a conference table, maybe punching his son Don Jr in the face, pulling his penis out and forcing Meatloaf to say how fat it is,” Kimmel joked.

“All that footage gets released, and maybe that will be how Greta Thunberg saves the world.”

Trevor Noah
On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah provided an update on the assholery of the Trump family. “The Trump family has a long history of being assholes,” Noah said, “but lately, you could say that they’ve been stretching the limits of how big an asshole a person can be.

Starting with President Trump himself, who apparently has nothing better to do than pick fights with children.”

Noah referred to Trump’s bitter tweet about Thunberg. “Come on, man, the president of the United States is on Twitter, bullying a teenage girl,” he said. “Just try to imagine any other president doing something like this.

Imagine FDR doing a fireside chat where he just goes in on Shirley Temple – ‘My fellow Americans, this little girl can’t dance for shit!’”

In other asshole news, Noah continued, reports emerged recently that Donald Trump Jr went to Mongolia this summer and killed an endangered sheep with a laser-sight gun. “What kind of asshole wants to kill an endangered species?”

Noah said. “Like, most of us don’t even want to take the last nacho out of the bowl and Don Jr is out here putting panda bears in chokeholds.“It’s obviously not great karma for Little Bo Creep to be killing off a species, so you would think maybe the Trumps could make things up

to the universe with their family charity,” Noah continued. “Except this family is so cartoonishly villainous, they even do charity like assholes.”

Noah pointed to a recent New York court ruling which ordered Trump to pay back $2m he stole from his charity for campaign purposes and a $20k painting of himself for his resort.

The court also ordered Ivanka, Eric, and Donald Jr to attend a training session on how to not misuse charity funds, a training Noah jokingly obtained. His “New York State Guide to Avoiding Charity Abuse” offered straightforward advice: “Don’t steal from a fucking charity, asshole

Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert recapped the day in Congress, in which the House judiciary committee debated whether to send two articles of impeachment to the House floor. “But first, they spent hours proposing highly specific and asinine amendments,”

Colbert said, such as Florida congressman Matt Gaetz’s amendment to name Joe Biden’s son Hunter. Gaetz publicly mocked Hunter Biden’s struggles with drug addiction, which is “pretty ballsy for a congressman to bring that up when he was arrested for DUI in 2008”, Colbert said.

Meanwhile, “the president is putting on a brave face in public but impeachment seems to be getting to Trump,” Colbert explained. According to a report from CNN, aides say he has “appeared distracted and unfocused during conversations”.

“Yes, distracted and unfocused, unlike the old, laser-focused Trump,” Colbert panned, before imitating the president: “‘My fellow Americans, I come to you tonight to announce that American ground forces are – hey, there’s a guy I know, anyway, China, give me dirt on Joe Biden,

bing, bing, bong, bong, bong flush your toilet 15 times, goodnight!”

Trump is also reportedly surprised that it’s the Ukraine scandal that’s led to impeachment. “Yeah, me too,” Colbert said.

“After all the shady deals he’s been involved in over the years, he gets tripped up by a phone call? Trump getting impeached for Ukraine is like Paul Newman winning an Oscar for The Color of Money – he definitely deserves it but it should have happened way before this.”