Thread by @Wordslinger_C

Many of us were brought up in homes where upon making a mistake/ upon perceived to have made a mistake, part of the punishment, apart from being beaten, denied food, shouted at, and told not to cry after being beaten, was to be given the cold shoulder for a time.

And there's a name for that cold shoulder: Silent Treatment.
Especially when we grew a bit and it was getting awkward to get a beating, like, say, in your late teens and early 20s, silent treatment became the go-to punishment from parents/guardians/caregivers.

Or, when your parent/caregiver/guardian couldn't beat you because it would get them in trouble - {cue in aunties, mums, nannies, older cousins, other relatives living in the household and taking care of you when core caregivers are away} - then silent treatment was the main way

they showed you their displeasure, and punished you for a perceived or actual wrong.
I remember my own father giving me a 4 month silent treatment for going to a funeral without his "permission". I was 23 at the time. He would enter the house, heartily greet everyone by name,

and ignore me just to punish me. He was a very strict man, requiring permission to even go outside to play. My close friend at the time had lost a brother in a very tragic manner, and I couldn't miss the funeral. That earned me this 4 month long cold shoulder.

And et cetera.
It took me many years to realise that silent treatment is actually Abuse.

And that happened when I realised it was my go-to coping mechanism. If I felt disrespected or disregarded in any way, I would withdraw into silence. This would escalate, and bring a lot of

damage, especially to my close relationships. So I made a pact with myself to communicate, especially after becoming a parent. We cannot carry on the abusive patterns from our parents to our children. The cycle has to stop as some point.
Being self-aware is of utmost importance

It is our responsibility to heal ourselves and transcend the weaknesses of our parents.
I have friends who tell me they have been having continuous silent treatment with their partners/spouses for months.
I know friends whose parents have not spoken directly to each other

for over 15 years!! They communicate dire messages through the kids, who are now grown and going into marriages themselves. Imaging the trauma such a person will carry into a marriage - coming from a family where the parents have not spoken for over a decade! Does this person

stand a chance in that marriage? Are they bound to repeat the patterns of their parents? Most likely - because that is the communication pattern they've always known - an abusive, toxic, narcissistic pattern of stonewalling that refuses to let down the ego, apologize, and talk.

Truth is, and I see this every day, we have a lot to learn with regards to communication - from the individual first. Those with substantive power {parents, bosses, spouses, partners, etc} need to learn how to drop the ego and express themselves - with a view to consensus.

Because the truth is, people will not always do when you want. People have their own minds and hearts, and they do not need permission to BE and to show up as they want in life. Using silent treatment to control people only makes things worse, not better. People are not here to

be controlled. We are here to co-exist with a modicum of peace and tolerance. Using silent treatment to want to control people is a egoistic move from a wounded inner child that refuses to talk because it fears it will not be heard. As an adult, you must heal and be better.

As a recipient of this treatment, it becomes very tricky. How do you deal with a spouse who won't talk to you for days, weeks? How do you remove yourself from the cycle of begging someone to talk to you, knowing very well they thrive on the power they feel when they reduce you

to a state where you have to bow down and beg them to "come back" to a state where they can listen? Because yes, it becomes a pattern. The silent one feels powerful when they see you suffer and grovel for their forgiveness and their mercy and their attention. It is ABUSE.

It is abuse, especially since it is used to control. You end up walking on eggshells with this person, not knowing what will trigger them back into hurting you with their silence.
Let me repeat: IF YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE WHO GIVES YOU SILENT TREATMENT, YOU'RE IN AN ABUSIVE R/L-SHIP

Perhaps I will leave it here with this open question - how to deal with such a person if you're the recipient.

Because staying with them is staying in an abusive situation. But how do you leave - if its your parent(s), or if you have child(ren) with such a person, etc?