Thread by @LaraAdamsMille1

I get this. This feels like a good time to talk a little about how I personally handle group-think pressure when it comes up in GC/radfem forums.

So, a thread...

https://twitter.com/pttytmy/status/1222201040465952775

I do understand where she’s coming from. I’ve definitely experienced people in the GC/radfem community trying to chastise me for using the wrong word, taking the wrong position, supporting the wrong person. No movement is without these attempts at internal policing.

Early on, a prominent critic of the trans movement accused me of being an undercover TRA for creating & posting this image:

Sometimes it’s criticism about tone or language (which I find delightfully ironic considering where most of us came from). There’s also pressure for activists involved in contentious issues to NEVER BE WRONG. Boy are we afraid of it, & boy are we brutal about wrongness in others.

How quickly do we forget that many of us are here exactly because we were VERY wrong for a VERY LONG TIME.

So that’s one of my principal rules for myself- Always remember and accept that YOU COULD BE WRONG. Right now. About everything.

I don’t *think* I am, but I could be.

Which brings me to another rule that’s tricky and sticky, but I really try to practice - First do no harm.

And this is a messy one because how do we define harm? When does plain talk cross over into abuse?

I don’t have all the answers.

But I at least try to pull myself back to that question - Is this interaction productive, or am I just pissed off? Does it even matter that I don’t agree w this particular person, or that she/he doesn’t agree with me?

Usually, it doesn’t. I use adversarial exchanges sparingly.

Most of the time, assuming good faith is the right thing to do. Sometimes both of you are *completely sure* of your positions, have good motives for your conviction, and you’ll still never agree, because your perspectives are just alien to each other’s.

Some of the messiest exchanges were w GC lesbians, and this was mostly due to community history I wasn’t around for. I believe they told me to go to hell in good faith, & I don’t take it personally, because they don’t know me well enough for me to feel that as an informed insult.

Which is another rule to carry around - Most people who hate or insult you don’t actually know you well enough for you to need to worry about it. They’re making assumptions based on limited data, same as I am. If the dynamic is toxic, let it go. It’s not actually about you.

We could all be wrong, remember? We’re certainly ALL wrong about some number of issues. We walk around with pieces of the truth we can hold up to be considered by the rest. None of us has all of it right.

That said, when it comes down to it, trust yourself the most.

Change your position for new evidence, better perspetive, deepened compassion, evolution/integration of ideas — but NEVER compromise your position because you fear criticism or loss of community status.

THAT is how you stay out of a cult- by staying willing to piss off friends.

People who support you will be drawn to you because you are thoughtful, honest, vulnerable with your ideas. The people who hate your ideas aren’t your people; their support isn’t supposed to be part of your path - let it go. You don’t need it.

Human beings are social animals, and it’s scary to say and do things that may drive away the people who used to cheer us on, especially when we’ve already lost so many friends and groups to our GC beliefs. Resist that fear.

Cults run on fear.

Reject intra-community attempts to control your speech and actions. Just ignore it. Really. People will either put up with it, love you for it, or break off to walk a different path. Let them.

This isn’t a space for people-pleasing. We’ve done enough of that for a lifetime.

GC/radfem can run like a cult because ANY deeply felt belief system can inspire cult-like social structures in the human animals we are. But that only happens if you chase approval, if you forget we can all be wrong, and if you let fear drive.

Cult-y is as cult-y does, friends.

We’re all less alone than we feel. We’re not that special or different. Don’t let scarcity mindset drive you to conform, or to mistreat people. Let yourself find your way to YOUR people rather than crearing something toxic with not-your people.

(I’ll just end here with a moment to reflect upon the irony of writing a long, instructive thread about not letting people tell you what to do.)