1/ For those confused about the #IowaCaucuses, let me explain while we’re waiting on results. Caucus goers enter the site and first have to stick their hand in a jar of strawberry preserves. (The preserves have to be delivered by a man named Merle.)
2/ If bees from the Bee Jar (every site has a Bee Jar) sting a person on the hand, that person gets to caucus. Everyone else has to go home.
Once voting begins, they take a break for coffee and wash the preserves off their hands.
Then they write down their first choice.
Once voting begins, they take a break for coffee and wash the preserves off their hands.
Then they write down their first choice.
3/ There’s a brief pause for a human sacrifice and then they tabulate which candidate is “viable” or “not viable.” Supporters of the “not viable” candidates are chased from the room by bees, UNLESS they switch to a viable candidate after being bribed with pie.
4/ There’s another vote and each candidate gets a certain number of delegates but nobody really cares and while they’re in there all the other people in Iowa (all 12) wonder where all the white people went. THE END
