Thread by @KathleenNdongmo

How many times have you heard the phrase: "All men want is sex?".

Myth.

There are things many men want more than sex.

In fact, there is one thing. And it happens to be the one thing some women find hard to give.

If you like don't learn. Come for me.

Due to popular demand, let me explain my thoughts so that some can make informed opinion.

This is not to indict anyone... rather, it's for greater understanding. Sometimes it is important to question things.

Remember your school parties. If a guy wanted to hold a girl in his arms, he had to scan the room, walk across the room with everyone watching and ask the girl to dance. If she accepted, he was in heaven. If she refused he was in hell.

The key here is that guys had to make themselves vulnerable to rejection to hold and be held by a girl.

Very simple thing, but very heavy emotional responsibility.

My late dad used to tell me: "be kind to guys who approach you. It's tough being rejected. Be kind"

Anyway, by the time boys become men, they’ve already been battered and bruised by the world of competition and rejection.

They long for that safe harbor where they don’t have to pretend to be something they’re not in order to be chosen.

Society makes too many demands on them.

More than you think, many men just long for someone who sees them for who they are and wants them anyway. Someone who can hold them and touch, not just their bodies but most importantly, their hearts and souls.

Forget that macho thing you see. It's "societal conditioning".

Always wanting sex” is part of the male persona most men wear to show they’re manly. What they really want is a safe harbor where they can take refuge, relax, be cared for. They want the feeling of being nurtured that most of them didn’t get enough of when they were kids.

But you see, admitting these needs makes them feel like little boys, not big strong men. Better to be manly with their sexual desire & then once they’re inside her body, they can relax, be themselves, & be infused with love. That’s the hidden desire they have when they have sex.

We’ve all heard that "women need to feel loved to have sex, but men need to have sex to feel loved." What is it exactly that men are getting when they get sex? Sure, there is the physical pleasure, but there is a deeper need that is being satisfied. It's "safe harbor".

Just as it’s difficult for men to ask to be held, nurtured, and touched; it’s often difficult for women to give that kind of intimacy upfront.

There are three main reasons, which are often subconscious - as in, you don't even know you are doing it. Again societal conditioning.

1. Most women have their own conditioning about men being men.

Things like: If he doesn’t want sex, they worry that they may not be attractive enough. (in their minds: how can this one not be asking for sex? is he not a man? there's something wrong with me...)

2. A man wanting to be held and nurtured triggers feelings that they are dealing with a boy, not a man. Our society denies men the right to vulnerability. So many women have told me: “It’s like I have a baby not a man.” Women want a man but worry they have another little boy.

3. Many women fear men who don’t feel "manly". They know that the most violent men are men who feel weak and powerless. They’ve often had experiences of men allowing themselves to be gentle and vulnerable, only to have them respond with anger and rage later.

It takes a lot of time and maturity for men to admit to themselves that they need a safe harbor where they can be nurtured and embraced by a woman. It takes a lot of courage to let his woman know he may want sex, but more important is his need for security, love, and nurture.

There's a level of wisdom you need to know that allowing a man to be as vulnerable as a child may be the manliest thing a man can do.

As women, we must learn to go beyond our own conditioning and be open to a man who is making himself vulnerable in new ways.

We must have a great deal of self-love and self-confidence to accept being a safe harbor. We must also have the strength to protect ourselves when a man's shame at being vulnerable turns to anxiety, anger, or depression.

Truth be told, it's not easy for men and women to take these kinds of risks in relationships, but the payoff is a life-time of deepening love and intimacy.

Vulnerability, and its acceptance without prejudice can be powerful.

I hope I made some sense. 😃