Thread by @OSPyoutube

Okay I've finished a couple projects and could use a break - by which I mean I wanna take apart a bad movie and see what makes it tick, any suggestions? -R

Okiedokes, let's narrow this down -R

oh…… good………… -R

Strike 1: fake hieroglyphs in the opening animation. they just took a random segment of hieroglyphs and mirrored it down the middle.

for those of you who don't know, the opening is a montage of historical photos of women from around the world with domino masks photoshopped on them and cats photoshopped into the image to show a Secret Legacy Of Catwomen. I have no idea who thought this was a good opener.

okay I know halle berry is an actual good actress so I don't know why this narration feels so quiet and lifeless

we gotta make this movie for The Ladies! halle berry's male boss is a total asshole who doesn't appreciate her talents! the antagonist of this movie is Evil Makeup! the aging lady villain is angry because she's aging and a lady!

look I don't care how much you love cats and I don't care if it was a secret test of kitty character, fuckin nobody would climb out their apartment window onto the next ledge over to grab a cat

"patience phillips"

selena kyle would like to know your location

"patience" is so klutzy and quirky she has tripped, fallen, or bumped into someone in literally every scene in the movie so far

I love it when a movie introduces a male love interest and has the hero's friends go "omg he's SOOOOO HOT look at that DREAMBOAT" and he just looks like they took some dude from any given 7-11 and stuck him in a leather jacket

patience's evil boss is the most hilariously evil motherfucker on the planet, it's like they looked up "sleeze" in the dictionary and just copied in everything they found there

now that her life is in danger, patience runs pretty good for someone magnetically attracted to every tripping hazard and breakable object in the room

okay be honest - did these filmmakers know ANYTHING about the dc character of catwoman, or did they just hear "you should make a catwoman movie" and interpolated what they thought that would look like?

so here's what you missed:
-evil makeup company makes makeup that melts your face
-patience Knows Too Much and they try and kill her and eject her out a cartoonishly enormous waste pipe
-patience is resurrected by cats
-she then goes to sleep on a bookshelf
-this is fine

patience is now hanging out with the old cat lady who owns the cat who nearly got her killed and then resurrected her

fun fact, "mao" was the egyptian word for cat. it's for exactly the reason you think it is.

"catnip"

soooo… if your coworker just got fired for telling off your boss…… applauding her actions seems like a bad move, cathartic or not

"I gotta meet my hottie doctor. Tell me I look vulnerable~"

uh is it bad that the funny bff character is probably my favorite part of the movie so far

so is the premise that getting cat-astrophically resurrected turned her into a literal physical cat-person and also a compulsive kleptomaniac, because those traits aren't actually… typically correlated

the cinematography in this basketball scene would be hilarious if it weren't making me physically ill

oh yeah, eating tuna right from the can, with your fingers, on your bedspread, as normal humans do

patience's first big heroic act is… busting up a party with loud music and using a soda spray nozzle as an improvized whip…… which was "cool" and "badass" in the same way a profile pic posing with a katana is really very badass…

this motorcycle scene is visually incomprehensible, who authorized this

uh cool so she gave herself a makeover and is now a completely different person

this is so not the main point, but if your goal is flexibility and mobility, a 100% leather outfit is possibly the WORST option you could choose - second only to a full suit of plate armor I guess

ah yes, I too google "cats. women" verbatim when questioning my own monstrous nature

ooooooh no the movie has started talking about the "duality in all women" and being "docile yet aggressive, nurturing yet ferocious"

pro tip to male writers attempting to write female characters as Deep and Nuanced: everyone on the fuckin planet has the potential to be both nice and mean. this is not a girl thing. why are you like this.

"Catwomen are not contained by the rules of society." "You will experience a freedom other women will never know."

Oh, no. This movie came out during that phase where people still thought "not like other girls" was the highest compliment you could pay a women, didn't it?

oh yeah, nothing says "empowerment makeover" like a leather sports bra and a pair of artfully shredded pants with holes on the actual buttcheeks

wait, was I not supposed to find halle berry attractive before she put on lipstick and got 45% naked? I'm getting the impression this is supposed to be a new development

and on top of everything else, the fight choreography has way too many cuts in it to make sense

this handwriting analysis scene is the most painful thing in the movie so far

people in superhero movies should just stop going to carnivals, nothing good ever happens at carnivals

"I think this is a total waste of time."
"Don't."
"What?"
"Think. Ever. Consider it a condition of our relationship."

hm

Jerk Bossman is so cartoonishly terrible that it makes me think the writers had no idea how to make him REALISTICALLY terrible. He's an antagonist of a girl power movie, but instead of making him, idk, creepy or harass-y or even sexist/dismissive, he's just Generically Awful.

Black Mask in Birds of Prey was an uncomfortably realistic (in some ways, not so much the face-removing) antagonist for a girl power flick. He had power and he abused it in very uncomfortable ways. THIS dude is basically a Captain Planet villain in terms of realism or depth.

Not sure how to explain this but it's a bit of a giveaway that a writer might be out of their social commentary depth if the villain they write for their Big Empowerment Story is basically just Skeletor. It precludes any actual commentary on REAL problems more complex than "jerk"

"Okay, boys, show of hands. Who can see in the dark?"

huh, good news, this movie has accumulated one good line so far

IS SHE SUPPOSED TO BE ALLURING OR NOT BECAUSE YOU CANNOT HAVE HER LOUDLY EATING SUSHI OR TUNA FROM THE CAN IF YOU WANT HER TO BE ANYTHING BUT GROSS

update: jerkface mcbossman has been killed by the secret true villain, Older Makeup Lady, catwoman has been framed, and cop boyfriend knows her true identity. dramatic stuff

she just slipped through a four inch gap. are you FUCKING kidding me

"You don't wanna kill a cop."
"I'm a woman, Lone. I'm used to doing all kinds of things I don't wanna do."

nice to see that catwoman mastered the instant transmission technique

also I just realized the twist villain reveal was spoiled in the very first reveal scene. We didn't officially SEE her saying villain stuff cuz she was kept offscreen, but - amusingly - ouside of her and the BFF character, there are no other female leads in this movie.

let's see I wonder if that villainous female voice belonged to
-the hero, currently onscreen
-the goofy bff
-that really angry lady dissatisfied with her age and furious with her abandonment in favor of younger, hotter models

so that makeup cream stuff makes you an indestructible physical god if you use it consistently, unless you get scratched in the face by one (1) cat lady, at which point you die instantly

as catwoman ditches her date again to stride off into the nighttime skyline, all my dickhead brain can do is play "memory" from cats on loop

listen I know this movie got people concluding that female-led superhero movies would never work but my question is why didn't we conclude from this that male-directed superhero screenplays would never work, because it feels like halle was the LEAST terrible part of this shitshow

"am I bad at screenplays? no… it's the women who are wrong…"

god that movie hurt to watch

I've definitely seen WORSE movies. I mean, I watched Dragonball Evolution. I saw Last Airbender TWICE. But this is the movie that had me going "are you… fuckin serious" the most.