Thread by @style_overlord

England (MI 6) has James Bond, The United States of America (CIA) has Jack Bauer and Nigeria (DSS) has me... Babatunde Amoussa!😭

A snippet from the memoir of a Nigerian spy!

After 3 years of searching on end for jobs without success I decided to join the Nigerian Secret Service. A big shot uncle of mine called in a favour from someone who knew someone that knew someone & the rest they say is history.

The training process was grueling but I managed to graduate even though I was the worst graduant. 😌
I was given the code name "F9" (I don't know why sha 🌚) & I have been assigned only mundane tasks like securing dignitaries at functions & desk work.

My otherwise boring routine took a dramatic turn on the 02/06/2019 after a devastating act of terrorism; a bomb blast in kaduna that claimed the lives of 7 people. The next day, I & all the officers in the counter terrorism unit were summoned for an emergency meeting with A1.

A1 was the code name for d head of the Nigerian Secret Service.
A1: Gentlemen you can have your seats. I'm sure you're all aware of the bomb blast that took place in kaduna yesterday by 19:00 hours?
Everyone: YES SIR!
Oversabi me: Sir, are there any leads on who's responsible?

A1: We did it.
Everyone: 😮
A1: It was staged. We evacuated everyone from the blast radius & planted bodies from a morgue...
Everyone:

A1: The government wants to change its approach to the fight against terrorism & to do that we need to cripple their finances. That's why we staged the blast, one of you is going to take responsibility for it so that you can infiltrate the dreaded Bomo sect.

A1: once you infiltrate it, you're to extract their supreme commander "Qudus the executioner" & rendezvous with our extraction team outside Borno state. So who wants to volunteer himself for this?
A1: F1?
F1 with his head bowed:
A1: F3?

F3 under his breath: if na yahoo boys I fit catch but terrorists?! How much is my salary sef 😥
A1: did you say something?
F3 with his head bowed: No Sir!
Me: 🙋🙋🙋🙋
A1 unlooking me: Isn't there anyone here with a shred of bravery & love for country?!
Me: 🙋 I'd do it Sir!

A1: 🤦
Me: Sir I'd bring Qudus the executioner in for questioning!
A1: Don't mess this up! 😐
Me: Yes sir! Thank you Sir!
A1: we've leaked information to the Bomo sect's top recruiter, Sultan Alladin and he's to meet with you tomorrow in Kano by 22:00 hrs
In my mind:

A1: F9, proceed to the armory & logistics to get all you'd need...please don't let me down! 😐
Me: I wouldn't let you down Sir!

****ARMORY****
Me: Hey beautiful, A1 said to come here for my gear.
G5: I know.
Me: Amanda when are you going to allow me take you for lunch?
G5:

G5: fill out this form. I'm giving you a Beretta M9 along with 3 full bullet cartridges, a pen containing cyanide, a penknife & this red handkerchief.
Me: Cool! What does the red handkerchief do?

G5: it's your get out of jail free card! Tie it around your wrist, chant "ajangbadi" 3 times & you'd appear back at base.
Me: Are you kidding me?!
G5: 😐
Me: But..but...that's jazz?!
G5: That's the most advanced African tech in the market!if you don't want it, leave it.
Me:

Me: I'd take it. 😏

***LOGISTICS OFFICE***
Me: Hi Ada, A1 sent me here, I'm traveling to Kano today.
Ada: yeah, I know. Take your @GIGMobility bus ticket, go to their Utako office.
Me: you're kidding right? Where's my flight ticket?
Ada: Are you the president? 🙄
Me:

At 21:00 exactly the @GIGMobility Bus pulled up into the crowded bus park. I alighted & soon located Mafoos, Mafoos was Sultan's driver & trusted aide.
Mafoos: As-salam alaykom brother Jamil. (Jamil was my undercover name)
Me: Wa Alykom As-salam brother Mafoos.

He put my bag in the car's trunk & we set out for Sultan's heavily guarded fortress. We got there around 21:50 & I was let in through the back door.
Sultan got up & hugged me as soon as I entered his palace like living room.

He had very dark skin, sported a pot belly & was in his early sixties by my estimation.
S: As-salam alaykom brother Jamil
M: Wa Alykom As-salam brother Sultan
S: we saw what you did & it really impressed us! We need men with your skill set
M: I'm at your service 😁

S: good, good...Get some rest because Mafoos is taking you to the sambia forest tomorrow to join d team. You'd be richly compensated in any currency of your choice for your services!
Me: Thank you Alhaji, I can't wait 😊

We set out around 3:00 hours to get into sambia undetected

We arrived the camp at 9:00, after trekking through bush paths for what seemed like ages. I was welcomed by Smiles, nods in admiration & sporadic gun salutes.
I was taken to the Supreme commanders make shift shed.
Qudus was a man in his late forties, a scar across his right eye

From a knife fight and an athletic build.
Qudus: As-salam alaykom brother Jamil
Me with my head bowed: Wa Alykom As-salam Supreme commander!
Q: I'm glad that more & more people are identifying with our struggles
M: I'd not rest until we achieve our goal!
Qudus:

Saheed one of Qudus' aides entered the shed.
S: supreme commander, we've brought the prisoner out for execution.
Q: fantastic! This is an opportunity to put jamil's loyalty to test 😏
Me under my breath: oh shit! 😭

We walked out to see an army lieutenant kneeling with bound

Arms. The name on his tag was uche, I can still remember his face. 😭 I later got to know that he was just 26 & newly Wed.
Q: bring a sharp knife for my good friend here!
Qudus handed me a knife for the slaughter but I declined.
M: it would be too messy, I'd use my gun instead

After what seemed like an eternity and amid the manic cheers of the blood thirsty group, I looked away & gave uche a heroe's death. As his lifeless body hit the ground, something died on my inside. 😔
Qudus patted me on the back & told me to rest because they'd throw a party in

My honour at night.
I quickly familiarized myself with the environment & took note of where their armory was, I was to pay it a visit later.
At night fall, I snuck out of my shed under the cover of night to the armory. Luckily, nobody was on guard duty!

I rigged up a make shift bomb with C4 & a phone I stole from one of my fans within the sect. I set it to go off in 30 minutes as a distraction while I extract my target. As I was set to leave a 'giant' walked in, he was atleast 7 feet tall & a body that could have given prime

Arnold Schwarzenegger a run for his money. I knew I was in soup!
Aliyu: Wetin you dey find for here? 😐
His eyes made a quick sweep of the room & rested on my make shift bomb.
Aliyu shouts: ḵāʼin (traitor)!
I punched him square in the face twice, he didn't flinch.
Me:

Aliyu head butted me & had me reeling to the ground. He picked up & choke slammed me. I literally saw my spirit leave me & return! 😥
He picked me up again by my neck & started squeezing the life out of me with his grotesque face a little to close for comfort.

I could feel life leaving me as I was asphyxiating. I was slipping into an unconscious state & self preservation kicked in...... I planted a wet kiss on his cigarette burnt chaff of lips!
Aliyu in shock:

I capitalized on the distraction & stabbed him in the foot with my pen knife. Aliyu screamed. I circled around him & slashed his jugular vein. I watched him bleed to his death as I caught my breath. 😧

I straightened out my clothes & made my way to the tent of meeting where I was to be hosted.
Qudus: where have you been brother, I sent someone to your room to get you?
Me: I took a stroll, I needed some fresh air.
Q: come let's celebrate, tomorrow work starts 😁
M: Nagode 🙌

M: lemme get more kunu for the men from outside, make we use am step down 😁
Qudus smiled & focused his attention on the little girl sitting on his laps. I got 2 big kegs of kunu that I had laced with cyanide. The men in the tent drank to their fill as they continued gyrating.

I checked my watch & realized that the bomb would detonate in 2 minutes so I joined in the gyration.
2 minutes later we heard a loud explosion, followed 2 others & everyone was thrown into a frenzy. Q: We're under attack, make una carry gun & take your formations!
Mercenaries:

The Mercenaries inside d tent started dropping like flies as d cyanide started kicking in.
Qudus looked at me with murderous rage: JAMIL! WETIN YOU DO?
I pointed my Beretta M9 at him menacingly.
Me: I'm Babatunde Amoussa & you're coming with me
Q: You're a dead man!
M:

As we were about to leave, a mercenary rushed in.
Mercenary: Supreme commander! The blasts came from....
I turned around & shot him in the head but Qudus took advantage of the distraction & knocked me out with a plank.
My guardian angel:

I woke up a few minutes later with a large gash on my head & banging headache. I struggled to my knees & looked around me; I was surrounded by by an angry mob with hundreds of guns aimed at my head. 😭
Qudus walked towards me arrogantly with a deranged smile, brandishing his 🔫

I bowed my head in defeat, ready for the inevitable but I caught a glimpse of hope! I saw the red handkerchief I had tied around my left wrist just before I entered the tent of meeting!
Me:

Q: I wanted you to be awake before I killed you. I wanted to see life leave your eyes as you wallow in your failure.
M: please, I never marry! 😭
Q: Any last words? 😏
I put my hands on his feet like I wanted mercy.
M: yes... AJANGBADI...AJANGBADI...AJANGBADI!

The end!

Thank you for reading, please Retweet & follow me for more content!

@threadreaderapp Unroll

@threadreaderapp Unroll

@ThreadReaders Unroll