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In late October 1995 I was unwinding on the M25 in my Land Rover Discovery, when I saw a bright light in the sky at Potters Bar. I had a sip of my strawberry Slush Puppy and pulled over to investigate.
A large silver disc descended from the sky with swirling green flashing lights underneath that lit up a couple dogging in a Ford Cortina on the hard shoulder and a bright white tractor-beam was directed straight at me. A synthesised voice spoke:
'Take me to your leader'
I took a final slurp of my Slush Puppy, lobbed it in a hedge and said
'that'll be me'.
They beamed me into the glistening chrome ship.
'We have come to 'earth' with a view to ravaging the planet's resources and enslaving humanity'
'Labour Party are you then?' I quipped. But the voice didn't respond. I carried on.
'listen mate, you're welcome to try, but you've just invited the UKs Leading Patriot and foremost military reservist behind enemy lines. Do you really want to try me?'
A probe extended from some sort of console and scanned me. My heroic exploits were then displayed on a screen: Agincourt. Bosworth. D-Day. Desert Storm. The time I peeled 700 potatos in two hours.
There was a long pause.
'Sorry wrong planet' said the voice.
The next thing I know I'm back in the car listening to the B52s Flinstones song. I turn on the headlights, reprimand the doggers, and drive back to Wickford. As I drink a can of Tab Clear, I relax, safe in the knowledge I've saved humanity from a fate worse than death: Labour.
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