Despatch from the Iran.
We entered Iran under cover of darkness in a Chinook flown by The Stig. Myself and Lovejoy then hit the ground running on our pathfinding mission to find the most culturally and historically significant sites in Iran for @realDonaldTrump to blow up.
We entered Iran under cover of darkness in a Chinook flown by The Stig. Myself and Lovejoy then hit the ground running on our pathfinding mission to find the most culturally and historically significant sites in Iran for @realDonaldTrump to blow up.
We travel light and on foot. I'm quicker that way. But after only 15 minutes Lovejoy is complaining. He says he doesn't know if he can do it. 'Oh don't you' I yell. He looks into the eyes of a soldier who has done 5 years of weekends in TA Catering and quivers.
'All that stands between us and the destruction of civilisation as we know it (garden centres, carveries, VIP Sundays at Enfield Ford) is the failure of the West to wipe culturally significant sites in Iran from the face of the map. Remember why we're here Lovejoy'
Lovejoy remembers and salutes. A tear commando crawls down his cheek. We press on but at a checkpoint we encounter the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. A firefight ensues. Lovejoy offers suppressing fire of Wedgwood china and Ming vases whilst I flank on both sides and surround them.
Before I despatch them, they scream for mercy in perfect English. 'Who are you?'
'Im what happens when British sovereignty is held in Brussels for too long. I'm Francis Drake. I'm Nelson. I'm a Bronte sister. I'm Rambo meets Norman Tebbit. And I'm liberating your country'
'Im what happens when British sovereignty is held in Brussels for too long. I'm Francis Drake. I'm Nelson. I'm a Bronte sister. I'm Rambo meets Norman Tebbit. And I'm liberating your country'
It was Lovejoy's first firefight.
'is it always like this?' he asks, hands shaking.
'no' I reply. 'I usually kill at least thirty more'
He looks at me in awe.
I order us an Uber and we make our way to Persepolis.
'is it always like this?' he asks, hands shaking.
'no' I reply. 'I usually kill at least thirty more'
He looks at me in awe.
I order us an Uber and we make our way to Persepolis.
Upon arrival Lovejoy identifies it as at 200 to 300 yrs old and he'd insure it at £5000. With the expert verification complete, I sat-phone Donald Trump.
'Sir, we have confirmation on the ground. Its old.'
'God bless you Mark. We could not win this war without you'
'I know sir'
'Sir, we have confirmation on the ground. Its old.'
'God bless you Mark. We could not win this war without you'
'I know sir'
We vacate the area, Lovejoy goes to find a pint while I sit in the visitor centre cafe and write this, watching and waiting for God's messenger on earth @realDonaldTrump to blow these insignificant ruins up, so that we can remain free to drink Monster and watch Robot Wars.
