Thread by @MarkFrancois12

The Official History of Brexit - A Thread

Brexit began in 6500 BC when Doggerland was submerged in the North Sea. To regulate access for booze cruises to the continent, Ancient Britons invented a Blue Passport (from the Latin Pass- proper and Port -patriot). Things ran smoothly.

Brits passed time with bypass building, visiting garden centres, @airfix and Rugby Union and peaked with Stonehenge in 3000BC. Academic thinking has changed over the years, but most serious archaeologists now agree that it was the first Sunday Carvery.
CC @theAliceRoberts

Time elapsed patriotically until Julius Caesar invaded Kent in 55BC. At first beaten back by the Wetherspoons militias, in 54BC he returned and was successful, largely due to Mark Francois not having been born yet. He confiscates passports and sets up coffee shops: The Dark Ages.

Slight upturn in 613 when the Saxons take charge. People drive on the left, have Essex accents and call a spade a spade.

But because he was a liberal, in 1066 Harold Godwinson was defeated by William the Conquerer at Hastings. It is no coincidence that Hastings subsequently voted heavily to leave in the 2016 referendum.

In 1216 far sighted Eurosceptic King John gets the ball rolling for Brexit with the prototype EU withdrawal act: Magna Carta.

Its not enough and in 1348 the original single currency arrives on these shores aka the Black Death. It kills a third of the population. Mention this next time a Remainer starts bleating about Customs Unions.

1415. Agincourt and the first recorded episode of Mark Francois seeing military service when a fact finding mission on EU subsidies for yoga studios goes awry and he hands the French their own arses.

1485 Battle of Bosworth. Tories beat Labour on their own turf for the first time, basically because they speak to peasants in language they understand, and make promises about controlling immigration.

1513. Scottish Indyref 1, The Battle of Flodden.

1534. The Church of England is formed as part of Henry VIII's conscious uncoupling from Catherine of Aragon. Europeans don't like it because we invent Sunday School and trendy vicars several centuries early.

1642: Civil War. The country divides down the lines of people who speak common sense but aren’t allowed to say anything any more, and people living in the London Bubble obsessed with identity politics and avocados.

1666 Great fire of London. An @GreggsOfficial goes up in smoke, taking the city with it when a stressed baker drops his Lambert and Butler on a mountain of European red tape and highly flammable vegan products.

1707 'Kingdom of Great Britain' is formed, specifically that it may be withdrawn from Europe. Britain then starts the Industrial Revolution in a bid to prove global warming alarmists wrong.

1800-1899 – Quiet

1914-18 WWI. Decent warm up for WWII. England defeats Germany with zero help from soldiers from Asia.

1939-45 WWII. The big one. Mark Francois excels in the Battle Of Britain, Stalingrad, Dambusters Raid, Arnhem, D-Day and Iwo Jima. Europeans calm down for a bit... but then:

1975. UK joins European Economic Community and everything goes to shit: Four decades of rationing, power-cuts, black and white TV, no pop music, no sex, poor sanitation and power-crazed liberals.

2016. Fresh from 6 centuries of military service, Mark Francois sorts it out. He is ably assisted by some of the brightest minds the nation has ever seen: Andy Wigmore, Steve Baker, Nigel Farage, Dr David Bull and The Wetherspoons bloke. Think Star Wars 9, with Francois as Rey.

31st January 2020

After three and a half years of disruption from fifth columnists like @AmberRuddUK and @JeremyClarkson and getting shouted at by a bloke with a megaphone, Mark gets to ring Big Ben. For the first time since the Roman invasion of 54BC Britain is free.

End.