Thread by @OSPyoutube

OK y'all I'm in that awkward limbo between projects and need to convince my brain that tonight we're taking it easy, so I could really use a shitty movie to wind down with - any suggestions? -R

brb, preparing myself emotionally -R

it looks like it's not gonna win but I'm honestly so curious about the maximum ride movie I might watch it anyway after whatever wins -R

for some reason I think I actually looked up the plot of this movie recently - not that I can remember anything about it

fun fact: I call the Google Users rating the "golden retriever score"

(it's cuz it's always overwhelmingly positive compared to all other review systems, I've seriously never seen it dip below 90%)

this witch's house looks like a big ol' candy butthole

this movie has "not your grandaddy's fairy tale" written all over it, from the gratuitous blood splatters to gretel dropping a "bitch" in her first line in the movie

now, while I don't think narration in movies is INHERENTLY bad, I will say the last time I saw a movie with GOOD narration, it was Lord of the Rings.

this movie's really gonna make me google the earliest use of printed newspapers, huh? it's really gonna give me a woodblock print "headline montage" opening credits sequence in a goddamn fairy tale, hm?

for the record, if this story is set in medieval germany like the fairy tale, it's at least two hundred years two early for newspapers. the more you know 🌈🌟

…so…… now it's woodblock print "missing children" flyers…… on milk bottles………

someone should've told this movie that using woodblocks and spelling the english funny isn't actually a one-stop shop for historical accuracy

this movie's really gonna make me google the first use of the term "hilbillies", hm? its snappy whedon dialogue is really gonna fuckin force my hand on this one, huh??

EARLY 1900S BITCH

sorry I can't get over how plastic this gun looks

useful that this is a universe where witches all look like horrible grotesque monsters, kind of makes it awkward that people are still accusing perfectly normal women of witchcraft though

hey, if you're the type for drinking games, take a swig every time Hansel or Gretel dramatically swings their oversized weapon up on their shoulder like a Real Cool Dude

people in this movie get anime injuries. gretel tripped and got up with a single artful stream of painted on blood-from-the-mouth. nobody gets dirty. everyone's hair is always perfect.

whoops, hot witch alert, twenty minutes in and the movie's already breaking its own rules

do I even need to say that the witch makeup is hilarious

oh good, the overzealous fanboy character. I NEVER get tired of watching writers roast this character, call them "weird" or "creepy", and overall make it seem like there's nothing they hate more than someone passionate about their work. as a bonus it's also INCREDIBLY original

you'd think a movie with so much blood in it would've invested in a brand of fake blood slightly more convincing than Baby's First Acrylic Red

I follow makeup tutorial youtubers with better halloween looks than these two

if hansel's trying to pick up chicks, "I probably would've let the villagers burn you as a witch if my sister hadn't intervened" seems counterproductive

"The sugar sickness" is a genuinely cool idea, and the idea that Hansel developed diabetes from all that candy makes sense - but I don't THINK insulin works like "a shot every few hours or I die"

this movie's really gonna make me google the mechanics of insulin shots, huh? this movie thinks it's a damn learning experience??

…is that a fucking tazer

"Are you a good shot?"
"No, not really. That's why I use a shotgun."

okay, fair play movie, that was a good one

this movie clearly cost a lot of money, so it's really very impressive that it looks so bad

hey writers, pro tip! nursing someone back to health can be a very tender and intimate scene, but if you have the nurse character surreptitiously feel up the unconscious injured person, the scene instead snaps straight into the "fucking creepy" zone with no hope of recovery!

Fifty minutes in the movie exposits to us that "only grand witches have the ability" to look like normal people, which is kind of a swerve from "all witches look all janky and rotted and that's a Foolproof Detection Method" and seems like something worth mentioning earlier

not gonna lie, this town seems completely not worth saving. they were gonna burn that one lady for I guess shits and giggles, their sheriff shot their mayor in the town square and nobody even REACTED, and now it turns out they burned hansel and gretel's mom. just leave, guys

hansel trying to play it cool while dangling upside down twenty feet in the air is almost funny

is this a bad time to mention that gretel hasn't won a single fight in this movie

hansel: is having a lovely time hooking up in a healing spring with the hot lady they saved from the awful townspeople
gretel: is getting kicked in the face a bunch and then rescued from the apparently obligatory Evil Rapist Posse by what appears to be a troll

"Why did you save me?"
"Trolls… serve witches."

So the implication is that Gretel is some kind of witch? This is potentially neat but would hold more meaning if this movie had ever actually explained what witches even… ARE, technically speaking.

oh no hansel and gretel are separated in the woods, how will they find each other again? just kidding they found each other again

did you bozos really take five entire minutes to figure out this is your own damn childhood home

so apparently the evil witch is the same actress who played jean grey, which makes me think she must have been terribly directed in this, cuz even at her dark phoenixiest she wasn't malevolently smirking after every single line

and now there are WHITE witches! great! okay!

the witches in this movie keep referring to "humans" as though they're totally separate beings, which makes me question what witches are, exactly, and where they come from

also not to nitpick but this injury makeup looks faker with every passing scene

gretel threw one punch at darker phoenix and was instantly knocked flat. so cool. so strong. definitely what one expects from someone who's been hunting witches her whole adult life.

hansel is picking a really weird time to be skeptical of the existence of "good witches" when darkest phoenix literally just got done expositing at him about it

a formidable arsenal containing only the finest nerf technology

gretel's a damsel in distress for the finale while Fanboy the Two-Scene Wonder gets to fight witches with the big boys like a real hero

looks like the greatest magic of them all… was guns

so, fun facts about the blood moon
-lasts longer than five minutes
-like all lunar eclipses, happens when the earth passes directly between the moon and sun
-thus, if the moon is high in the sky during the eclipse… the sun cannot be just below the horizon, ready to rise ಠ_ಠ

the friendship between gretel and edward the troll is honestly fairly cute, but it's probably only winning be over because it's barely been onscreen

hey, you know what hasn't been mentioned or even relevant in the movie since it was first brought up? sugar sickness

oh no… the white witch got stabbed…… if only……… she had established healing powers…………

what… exactly… does "dead or alive, we'll take you down" mean

cool, uh… couple thoughts
-killing the white witch seemed entirely pointless, since getting lightly shoved seems sufficient to remove any female protagonist from fights in this movie, and hansel didn't even seem sad over it
-does gretel have ANY powers
-so is HANSEL a witch too?

-for that matter, how do witches work? what are their powers? are they even slightly human? do they age? why are white witches such weenies by comparison?
-is witch morality determined from birth?
-how are there so many of these fuckers? there's like fifteen in this one forest