Thread by @MarkFrancois12

Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

March 31st

Slept poorly, and lay long in sheets saturated with fever after hallucinations of a hen harrier with the disembodied head of Sir Nicholas Soames. Twelve hours since, Hartley Brewer did confess we

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be out of Monster and the withdrawal already upon me. Sensing enemies at both gates, did convulse mightily & afeared lest my Bomber Command single duvet be rendered obsolete, did summon Hartley-Brewer. Displeased that she is called from dog-whistling in the kitchen, but

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knowing me well enough, sends forth a Saint Bernard with a can of sugar-free Monster about it’s neck which as methadone to a smackist, takes the edge off without nearly satisfying. Somewhat restored, I to breakfast of heron and Twiglets.

3/8

With breeze permeating the house, my boy Bridgen did discover Mandela-apologist Will Self at staring through the letterbox again. In healthier times I inclined to leave him at it, but with plague ravaging the capital I did call him a ‘grievous social distnoncer’ & summoned

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Aldermen Andrew Neil & Simon Heffer, most at ease with ill-fitting high-viz tabards and cattle prods, to render him into their ample custody in the back of a Hilux. Widdecombe took leave of hanging another dogshit bag in her festeringly festive privet, and did idly

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impart rumour that brain of Mekonomic Super Forecaster Dominic Cummins be so engorged, he no longer sees fit to interact with humans, but goes in voluntary quarantine with 1000 monkeys & 1000 quills that they together might replicate the work Bravo Two Zero by Andy McNabb.

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Lunch & did Whatsapp Lord Brian Cox to ascertain if, as it is triangles, Dairylea be metric or imperial but find interruption when Lady Hazarika sends word that another hath taken to penning a diary in my name. After compiling briefelist of 20 Booker prize winners, conclude

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my nature as that of closed book demands I be acquainted of them & am visited with paranoia most unwelcome during Monster withdrawal. The breeze is returned. The Self at Mark ne-Francois peeps again.
My unique brand of Patriotism, the only thing more contagious than Corona.