Thread by @abbysyarns

Here's a quick thread about how to deal with someone telling you there's a problem.

This is especially for white women who are saying things like "But I'm trying! If trying is never enough, why should I bother?"

Let us suppose that you and I are standing in a crowd. You take a step. This step leads to you standing on my foot.

I say, "Pardon me, but you are standing on my foot."

You say, "I didn't mean too! It's not my fault!" but you don't step off my foot.

I say, "It's okay. We can talk about how it happened later. But for now, I need you to stop standing on my foot."

You say, "Oh my gosh! I'm not a foot stander! I'm so hurt and upset that you would ever think I'd be a foot stander! This is devastating!"

You still don't move.

I say, "So here's the thing, though. I know you stepped on my foot by accident. I know you didn't mean to. But now, you are aware you're standing on my foot, and I need you to stop standing on my foot."

You start crying, heartbroken anyone might consider you a footstander.

I say, "Okay, so, can you just please move your foot off mine? Because this is hurting more and more the longer you keep doing this."

You say, "Why is it never enough? Why am I never good enough? I hate that people think I'm a footstander!"

I say, a little exasperated and in some foot pain, "Maybe they think that because you've been standing on my foot for the past hour while I explain to you that you're standing on my foot, and what you're upset about is that people might think ill of you."

You say, "Being angry and divisive isn't going to make me sympathetic to your cause. Stop derailing everything and come together!"

I say, "Goddammit I can't because you won't fucking get off my damn foot!"

You say, "See, this just proves what I'm talking about. You're more concerned about accusing me of foot-standing than about our larger mission! Why can't you stand in solidarity with us?"

I say, BECAUSE YOU'RE ON MY FUCKING FOOT.

You say, "Screw this. I'm sick of being told I'm helping you wrong. I'm sick of being blamed for foot-standing I didn't even mean to do. It doesn't mean what you think it means."

I say, "Why are you still standing on my foot?"

This is what feminists of color, trans feminists, genderqueer folks, all kinds of folks are experiencing trying to talk with white feminists.

It doesn't matter why you stepped on my foot by accident. What matters is if you step off it, or stand there angry I pointed it out.

Oh, and: in case it isn't clear, the thing that's worked really well for me when I've accidentally stepped on someone's foot and they tell me I did? It's just to say "Whoops, my bad, I'm sorry," and stop stepping on their foot. Right away. Discuss later. Step off now.