Just thinking recently about how bitter I am about purity culture, courtship, "emotional purity" et al. (Settle in. This is a thread)
Notice I said bitter. Yeah. I'm not angry. I've accepted that I live a reality resulting from those things. I also accept that being angry isn't going to change it. Nothing I do will change it. So I'm bitter.
If you want to upset me you're gonna need a new word besides bitter. I've embraced that one.
I'm bitter that emotional purity culture told me I was a guy and could only interact with guys. Even though I don't relate to men anywhere near as well as I do with women, my penis determined my chosen group of friends.
Anything beyond a surface-level display of politeness was categorized as intimacy. This included most ways of relating to others or showing love. Anything that looked like affection carried connotations of intimacy.
You see, when people talk about emotional purity, they are referring to the concept of "giving your heart away", an act that in their minds someone can only do with one person of the opposite sex.
Emotional intimacy was synonymous with physical intimacy. Giving a piece of one's heart away was tantamount to infidelity. Becoming emotionally intimate with a member of the opposite sex was treated the same as losing one's virginity.
So here I was with a high EQ, empathy and a desire to connect with those around me. These didn't belong in masculine circles. so I had nobody to help me use it, and nowhere to use it anyway.
This is because in any circle that subscribes to emotional purity teachings, you'll definitely find an abundance of toxic masculinity that teaches young men to be emotionally constipated.
I'm bitter that - upon the backdrop of this teaching upon my life - during my high school years I was put into an almost-all-female youth group. So many problems resulting from this.
This was my social life for years until I left home. I was alone. To my right, 1 or 2 guys I had to force myself to like (and who I was told were a "ministry" anyway because they were "worldly public schoolers")...
... and to my left were most of my peers, my sisters in Christ. If I showed any attachment, any flash of affection, any breath of appreciation, the gavel fell. I was rebuked for giving my heart away or giving her reason to do so to me.
She would be scolded and shooed away "for my protection" or "for her own protection". We can't have people of the opposite sex sharing any sort of emotional connection, can we?
After all, in this universe love is a finite resource. Once you give some to someone, you have less to give to your eventual spouse, assuming you have one someday. You give too much away, and you are basically useless to your spouse.
So here I was, alone in a youth group of wonderful peers, sisters in Christ. I could conform to the masculine ideal of emotional constipation or simply be alone and closed off. (HINT: Those two are the same thing)
I'm bitter because throughout all this, one message was clear, hammered straight into my skull at every opportunity: I was never to share any shred of love, affection or even friendship with a girl/woman.
My sensitivity, empathy & kindness were a danger to her and to me. At any moment I could be giving a piece of my heart to her, or fooling her to do the same to me. Deep conversations, any sort of even light physical affection, all suspect.
Because we all know that once you give a piece of your heart away you will forever lose it, having less heart, less affection and less love for your spouse. Every intimate conversation, every hug that you enjoy now is one you would never have with your spouse.
I'm bitter because I had to leave home and go live at the freaking IBLP HEADQUARTERS - the center of fundamentalist, cultish legalism - before I learned how to interact with women.
I spent the first year or so holding people at arm's length. Sure there were actual guys there I could bond with, and that helped, but it was there I finally allowed myself to begin building friendships with women my age.
But even then it was generally frowned upon for a man to show any affection toward a woman. Wouldn't want to give the appearance of "pairing off". I missed out on so many close friendships that would have been treasures to me.
The best I could hope for was a polite appreciation for others, and the same from them. I would watch young women carry on spectacularly affectionate friendships with each other, wishing I could have that kind of love for another person.
There was no distinction made between platonic love/affection and romantic or sexual interaction. There was no concept of intimacy on a platonic or friendly level between men and women.
I'm bitter that when I was in my early 20s a young woman who I considered my best friend fell was involved in a serious accident and I had to pretend I was just "mildly concerned" about it.
The months following the accident could just have well been her last, but I couldn't show how freaking scared I was for her. Any emotion I showed on the subject was quickly discerned to be romantic interest.
Her friends, my friends, you name it, they were all talking behind my back. Speculation abounded. There was no concept in anyone's mind that I would be that shaken by a woman's well-being for whom I carried only platonic affection.
I'm bitter because when I finally reached the magic age of 25 where I was done "giving my single years to Christ" and began pursuing a girl, I did everything right and still had my heart shattered to pieces.
I did my part and was ready to finally enjoy the life of love and connected-ness I had lacked for a decade, that relationship that was forbidden with women, who practiced it every day and that was simply not to be found among the men around me.
...and the rug was still pulled out from under me. All the pain I was told I would be avoiding was poured straight into my life as though I had "tossed my heart everywhere as I skipped down the street". I had been baited and switched. Hard.
I followed emotional purity culture and teachings to the letter. And I still suffered no differently than the horror stories I was told to avoid.
I'm bitter for every hug I never gave. Every hug I never got. Every deep intimate conversation I never shared because it would be a freaking scandal unless with a guy (haha! Just kidding. Guys don't do that, remember?)
I'm bitter for every time I saw two girls/women being affectionate with each other (and not even physically affectionate) and longed for that connection with anybody. I'm bitter because of all that loneliness.
I'm bitter because now I'm having to retrain my head and heart. I was told that I'm dangerous to the women around me. I grew up thinking that women would be taken in by my emotional availability and fooled into "giving me their heart"
So the discovery that women tend to see me as relatively safe was a revelation to me. I am not the sneaky, creepy emotional charlatan I was told I am. My desire to connect emotionally isn't a trick.
The walls that I put up to "protect" those around me have been coming down. People around me (mostly women, but some men) have been slowly bringing me out of that mindset. I hope someday I'm able to do the same to men around me.
I'm bitter about all this. I'm not going to get any of this back. Nothing here is going to change. It very simply a piece of the human experience that was completely removed from 10 years of my life, the most formative years of my life.
So no, I don't want to watch Josh Harris' documentary. I want him to disappear forever. I never want to hear his name again until the day God is wiping tears away. That's what it's going to take for me to be able to stomach the very sight of him.
I don't want his apology. I don't want to hear how justified he thinks he is. I don't want to hear stories that paint him as a young, poor misdirected prodigy whose teachings were misused. I don't want to hear about your happy life that you think he gave you.
Unless he can wave a wand and give me ten years of relationships, love, affection and friendship back, I want him out of my life. No exception. All that does is twist the knife.
But know this: I am going to do everything in my power to keep my daughters away from this teaching. I don't ever want them to hold back from emotional intimacy with anyone because they think they'll be tainted in later relationships
I'm going to love everyone around me as much as I can. My heart is open and available for anyone who wishes to drink from its springs of affection, love. I will fully and completely love. I will hug. I will encourage those around me to do the same.
That's the end. Yeah that's basically it.
@threadreaderapp unroll
