1) Time for another episode of the Conservative Underground News of Twitter, with special thanks to my captive Twittwr cult member @TessHottenroth who I ply with offers of bourbon and snarky bullshit in exchange for research. The topic tonight: Goddamn Iranian Dams. 
2) 'Iranian Dams? Damn, bro, whatchu talking 'bout?' Well, guess what Iran's 2nd biggest industry is after good ol' oil. If you guessed dams, well, damnitall, I shouldn't have given it away so quickly.
3) Iran is the 3rd largest dam builder in the freaking world, after China and Japan. Weird industry to get into, right? en.radiofarda.com/amp/iran-dams-…
4) Well, it TURNS OUT, that the major force behind Iran's damn construction (at one point a new dam was being inaugurated every 45 days) is the usual suspects behind weird Iranian shit, the IRGC.
5) YYYYYYUP. On top of being a paramilitary force parallel to the actual Iranian military, the Hydra-esque organization behind the worlds dangerous terrorist groups like Al Qaeda, the Houthis, Hezbollah, Hamas, etc, AND controlling a parallel banking sector akin to a ponzi scheme
6) They ALSO through a series of dummy companies and other such financial malfeasance are into dam building on a massive scale, giving them control of water AND energy resources in Iran. So not that weird if you realize they're the despotic arm of the regime.
7) aei.org/publication/ir… This dam construction spree was how the IRGC was able to spread its influence worldwide, using fronts like Khatam al-Anbiya building dams in far off nations like Nicaragua and Equador as an excuse to export IRGC personnel to those nations.
8) "But Comrade Fudge, how was Iran allowed to get such a foothold in South America?" americanthinker.com/articles/2016/…
9) I dunno, should I tell them? It makes me pissed.
"Do it. Do it you blitzed fuckface. DO IT. I want you to. DO IT."
"Do it. Do it you blitzed fuckface. DO IT. I want you to. DO IT."
10) Fine. The dumbassed, boneheaded, ill conceived move of the CENTURY which gave Iran tbe ability to export its second biggest industry and allow the IRGC to continue worldwide infiltration and destabilization, bringing home hard currency to a sanctions-fucked economy....
11) reuters.com/article/us-ira… THE GODDAMN IRAN DEAL. THANKS @BarackObama FOR FUCKING US IN SO MANY WAYS WE'RE STILL HAVING UNCOMFORTABLE PAINS IN OUR ASSHOLES.
12) But WORRY NOT! See, for every winter, there is a spring, and for every spring, there is an uncomfortable ballsweat heavy summer where you'd rather die in a cold blizzard than spend another day under this goddamn sun.
13) See, as dam-happy as the IRGC is at building all those goddamn dams, mother nature herself decided to fuck Iran royal with a drought.
14) And the IRGC, lo and behold, SUCKS at water management.
15) And last year, Iran had one of its hottest days ever. usatoday.com/story/weather/…
16) Side note, go rent hummers and do burnouts in parking lots and waste as much gas as possible. For freedom. Gotta help Iran break that record again this summer!
17) But on a slightly more serious note, this is about to go down right when Iran is facing issues of Iranian upoer class and regime officials are sending their money abroad as fast as fucking possible
18) The rial's street value is hitting record lows against the dollar
19) (Remember when I said using your reserve currency to pay your security forces meant your currency was in for a bad time? Yeahhhhhh.)
20) And a Malta bank that was caught up laundering Iranian funds (going to South America. Go figure) has been completely shitcanned, trapping who knows how much Iranian money within it. theguardian.com/world/2018/mar…
21) Think this wasn't part of Trump's overall plan to deal with Iran? Then why did the FBI get involved right away in investigating the journalist killed in Malta? independent.com.mt/articles/2017-…
22) As I said earlier, for every winter, there is a spring, and for every spring there is a ballsweat hot ac is broken you have no ice and your sunglasses are broken summer. Mullahs are about to get theirs. /end
