Thread by @pptsapper

Listen my children and you shall hear of the mad shit that went down when the British decided to get all fancy and shit outside Boston in 1775

Yeah, I had some wings and some booze and now I wanna talk about Lexington & Concord

So I mean, goddam, it was like...243 years ago today or something. But wait. Back it up. Where we at.

April 18. Boston. Place smells like shit because it's the 18th century and everything smlt like shit.

So anyways, the port of Boston was locked the fuck down by the Brits

This totes made the Massholes mad. Which was bad because while ornery, Massholes were organized . They'd set up a government & coopted the militia system - basically being more effective than any government of the past 70 years. Anyhoo.

So. Yeah. Boston.

So the overall Brit commander in the area was Tommy Gage. Dude was wicked smaht, was in the French and Indian war and actually figured out light infantry were a thing. But Gage was playing a fine line with the rebellious colonists between cracking down and doing not a hella lot

Ok so finally shit gets so bad with people disrespectin the crown flagrantly and whatnot that Tommy has to do something. So he calls on Franky Smith, who was really into pointing at pikes, and was like "dude, I need you to take some dudes and do me a favor in Concord"

But Tommy is crafty. He just tells Franky to get his light and grenadier companies and some Royal Marines together on April 18, without giving orders just yet. He's all like "OPSEC, bro."

But nothing stays a secret in Boston. Not nothing, nowhow. So the colonials get word of it.

The Son's of Liberty, basically your garden variety insurgent whatsits, send out some alarm riders, one of whom is Paul Revere who is kinda shit at raising alarms since he gets captured that night. He was also shot at being a general but that's another drunj night story

Ok, so Franky gets his companies together - companies btw that never worked together before this night - and they have to get on boats and sneakily cross over the Charles River. But the dopes didn't even prep the damn boats so they fumbled around in the dark as everyone watched

After a lot of pissing about in boats, the Reddies finally get across the river & begin traipsing off towards Concord, confident that NO ONE WILL SEE THE 700 BRITISH TROOPS GALLIVANTING ALONG.

So it's like 1 AM and as the Brits are sauntering along in an aloof fashion, they're nervously observing that there's lots of guns going off in every town they pass to alert all the minute companies to GET THE FUCK OUT HERE ITS GOING DOWN FER REAL

Now Franky's XO was Jonny "heartthrob" Pitcairn, who could damn well sit his horse in a sultry manner while also looking delicate. Anyways, around 3 am, Franky sends Jonny off with the light companies to get right up in thur to Concord ASAP cause shit's getting real

Now, in Concord, there were some cannon and shit, beng kept by the committee of public safety. As the Reddies get closer everyone starts hiding shit and carrying it off, so that there's really not all that much to find

Between the redcoats and Concord was the tiny ass town of Lexington, where John "what a big signature I have" Hancock made a bunch of noise about putting up a fight but was convinced to leave, forgetting a box of secret docs behind. INFOSEC was not his bag, baby.

Inside Lexington was Captain John Parker and his militia company, who didn't have shit for orders so they arranged themselves in a line off to the side of the road to Concord, kinda like, "we're here to fight but also if you wanna pass we're cool with that too"

Jonny Pitcairn came up, looking all dashing and shit, with his troops, and saw Parker's dudes on the green of Lexington. This is when Jonny made a big ol mistake cause his troops double timed it down the road while he rode around the church, obscuring his view of the green

The Brits see Parker's dudes and are like "DUCK ITS AN ARMY" and it's only like 70 dudes but they'd been up all night so there's that. Anyhoo Parker and Pitcairn are like "no shooting my dudes" but someone shoots and Bam, it's on like Donkey Kong

Lexington Green is over in a few minutes as the militia fade off into the woods and the Brits brush past, rushing towards Concord and breakfast. But Parker's pissed now and grabs his dudes and sets up an ambush, cause he knew they'd be back. Parker was the man

Ok so the light companies rush into Concord and past it and set up on the far side by this bridge and the grenadiers show up & start searching the town, breathing heavily in a British way.

Franky and Jonny are like "hey, this shit could actually work. We might get away soon."

The grenadiers are wicked polite and actually put out some fires they accidentally started. But those fires. Yeah. So. They cause smoke. And people see smoke & be like "they're burning concord. Oh no they dint"

Suddenly the light companies spot a hella lotta dudes

From the heights overlooking the bridge, Col Jimmy Barrett of the MA militia was collecting soldiers of two regiments & they were NOT HAPPY. In the days before Dunks, no one wanted to be up that early. Barrett ran off to hide some shit stored at his farm & LTC Robinson took over

Robinson sees the Brits at the bridge & sends two minute and two militia companies in column toward the bridge, where they get into a rare old fight with the Brits, and now it is seriously on because there's no going back now as the light infantry get pushed back

The light infantry comes tumbling back and suddenly Franky and Jonny realize shit just went fuckin sideways and so they gather up their dudes and GTFO back towards Lexington.

But remember all those alarms? Ya. They is Massholes coming from EVERYWHERE looking to fight

The Brit column converges at Meriam's corner where the road narrows and crosses a small stream through some swamp and trees, which happen to be filled with militia and minute companies who open up and the place turns into a running ambush for the Brits

They fight through this, the heavy grenadiers charging along the road & the light infantry desperately trying to clear the ridges along the road, but then they hit a bend in the road where the Woburn company has been waiting, & get caught in a wicked crossfire

The Brits then fight through this one too, and are getting closer to Lexington where Franky hopes that Lord Percy's relief expedition is, but they're still catchijg musket fire for dayyyyys & are running low on ammo, but they're almost out.

But they forgot about Parker.

Parker had positioned his company on a small rise next to the road and when Franky and his boys come running along, they open up on them. Franky gets wounded, Jonny's horse gets hit, and the Reddies r like, "we done" & start hoofing it to Lexington

Luckily for Franky and Jonny, Lord Percy was there at Lexington with a relief column of 1000 troops, but after a brief rest, they headed off again. Now it's the afternoon and it's hot and there's still Massholes comong from everywhere, urged forward by Gens Heath & Warren

Around this time, Brit discipline goes to hell and they start shooting at anyone who moves, including civilians, and lighting everything on fire. Eventually they get to Menotomy where the fighting gets nasty. Which is where Sam "fuck you" Whittemore shows up. So about Sam...

Sam was a 78yo ex-dragoon who had no more fucks left to give. He threw on a brace of pistols, his dragoon saber, and grabbed his musket & went out to tear it up. He killed 3 British regulars, drew his sword, got shot in the face & bayoneted 18 times.

AND LIVED TO THE AGE OF 96

By this time the Brits are like "fuck this shit, we're gonna burn this colony to the ground if that's what it takes to get back to Boston safely" & they do get to Charlestown and the protection of the guns of the fleet, & everyone's like "wut just happened today"

The militia and minute companies surround Boston and are like "guess we're gonna do this siege thing" and the rest of New England is like "yo wait up, we want in on this too" and the Brits realize this thing is for real.

And that's how the American Revolution started. Fin.