Thread by @ItsUncleStephen

Oga come down Na! come down!” The molue conductor screamed at Him angrily

“I no fit! I no fit!” he replied painfully as he struggled without success to stand up from his seat.

This wasn’t Nollywood. I was seated beside a guy glued to his seat.

Ah! Lagos!

Brethren
Issa thread

“Hei! I don die! Mo ti Ku” he cried as perspiration poured unrestrained from his pores

Though it felt like a movie,like the brainchild of a good special effects guy, as I watched the Guy struggling I knew, even if a movie,this wouldn’t be one of those “To God be the glory” ones

Trust Nigerians when situations like this arise. They’re not their brothers keeper, defender or even midfielder. Infact when did their brother join a football team many will ask.

The glued guys outstretched arms seeking help was met by the space everyone had given him Abeg o!

But you see my village people, they’re good at three things; doing new yam festival, fetching water from a stream, and foremost of all, ensuring that in such a situation, I am the guy seated to the left, at the window, beside this sit-tight Mr mugabe

Why always me?

Being closest to him, while others had parted ways for him like the Red Sea, he kept holding my hand to help.But all I could feel, each time a part of his body touched mine was a mass exodus, a huge osmosis from his body to mine of the Juju molecules holding him down to his seat

***
Most times when you’ll have an unfortunate day, the signs are there. Small occurrences serving as a pointer. But like pastor-yemi-who-drinks-big-stout will say “you children don’t aff a discerning spirit. If honly you can leen down and pray. You’ll see

First it was Nepa playing change your style with the light. How do you take and restore power 11 times in 5 minutes.Like how can people’s fathers feel fine with turning light on and off? Don’t they fear curses?

Progress is a reason I believe Nepa curses work.

We had long traced his unfortunateness to the fact that papa Progress was a Nepa official.

He was a transmission station operator, one of the people our pained vitriol is directed at when NEPA ceases power. So we all agreed progress’ life was a case of sins of the father

When progress’ father and his cronies kept the light steady enough for me to iron my trouser, before i knew it, the iron had given my trouser a kiss of death and rendered it unusable. It was the best pair reserved for only special occasions like the interview i was to attend.

This was sign number 1 but I didn’t recognize it? No!

I came up with another option, a total change to what I had planned to wear initially. Though I was wearing my good luck boxers that had given me considerable luck in my life,only worn when necessary,
I didn’t feel good.

You may kiss your teeth at the thought of a good luck boxers but how then do you explain the fact that it was what I was wearing the day a stranger stopped me, gave me 20k, saying her pastor said she should do a random act of kindness. And see me here I didn’t change to yam.

It was what I was wearing when sister-big-nyash declared at the top of her voice, after months of chasing and wooing her to no end “ Oh Stephen! Kill me with the enjoyment of thine love, let it flow in me, let it fill me”

Amem somebody!

So don’t doubt the good luck boxers pls

Dressed up, I stepped out of my house, locked the burglary only for me to turn and see my Neigbour’s cat Jenniffer looking at me with piercing eyes like i was owing her money.

Brethren I don’t care what you say but this was sign number two.

Why?

See this isn’t the abroad.

Here, the widely accepted pet is dog. Any type of dog. But you see cat? We look at you twice if you have one. Can’t blame us Cos in nollywood or pm news paper when witches want to change to something is it lion? No! Is it elephant? No! They change to what? Cat! Black cat!

Ok! Even if not for the fact that it was a cat, you see that name Jenniffer. It has never brought me good luck. From the one I taught in exam and I got E, she got A. To the one who arrested me and my friend Cos my friend broke her heart and we slept 5days in police station

Or is it even the Jenniffer whose bf was a capon and baba showed me that after the reggae comes the black and blue beating! Ah! Story for another day!

So also I shoulda known this Jenniffer cat, walking behind me, letting out a sinister Your own is finished meow! was a sign.

As I flagged down a bike, and made to enter, I heard the slight hiss of my trouser like a dissenting wife to her husband. Ah! Sign number 3. I alighted and examined it. I could manage it. At the junction where I was to take a bus, there was a ruckus and a huge crowd gathered

I tried to ignore it, in typical Lagos mind your business fashion but the news forced itself on me, undeterred like those pastors in Lagos commercial buses.

Something queer had happened

Someone’s Penis had disappeared

Ah! Sign number capital letter four

Tell me. How many times do you come across a situation where someone’s penis got stolen?

This is the kind of news you read of in PM news Newspaper alongside a story that someone gave birth to Yam in a hospital in Iyana-mortuary. can’t be Ikoyi or reddington hospital.

Azzin After you pay big money for that kind atmosphere, even Yam go change begin cry sexy cry like human being. This is why i say unreservedly, may thunder fire poverty. 

I gathered the story was that someone had asked the man directions and made away with his penis

(Ok! LOL. maybe made away isn’t the proper word but I couldn’t resist. I know it paints a picture in your head that the guy just took it, started running and had the other guy shouting thief! Thief as he pursues in chase, trying to “RECOVER” it).

I have never understood the workings of this penis disappearing business. Some say it disappears and the region becomes completely flat. Others say that it only shrinks.Some say it just doesn’t rise again while some believe that what happens is that some "balls" disappear.

I trudged on.

No doubt sent by my village people, as I alighted from the bus at Ikeja Under bridge to take a keke to Allen, after escaping the hands of those boys steady asking you to do "pink lips"or draw "tantuuu", Someone tapped me on my shoulder

Asking “bros please where do I get a bus to Maryland”

In hell fire if I don't find my penis" I replied in My head  while spinning around immediately to see this person who wanted to take the Joy of manhood away from me.

I sized him up.

He was well dressed and didn't look like someone who was into that kind of business. In any case, you can never be too sure. It could be that the black "Jehovah's witness" bag he was carrying wasn't filled with documents like he wanted us to believe.

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