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Chef Shwasty @ChefShwasty
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Alright so

The first time I ever smoked pot...
In hindsight there were a lot of red fucking flags that should've prevented me from thinking this was a good idea. Like the fact that the hemp bracelet I used to have gave me a rash...

But I am not a smart man.
And what better motivation is there for going against common sense than doing it for a girl?

That's right. My dumbass was trying to impress a girl.
But Ohhhh no not just any girl. I'm not some normal person who can be content doing things that are socially acceptable

I was talking to this girl 300 miles away. And that's the girl I wanted to impress.
She had never drank before, and I had never smoked. So we booked a hotel for two nights, and decided to do one thing a night.

18-year-old me grabbed the fanciest bottle of liquor I could think of (Jaegermeister) and drove that 300 fucking mile stretch to see this girl
Night one: Jaeger

We drank the whole fucking bottle, sang and danced and ran around the hotel grounds like... Well, teens.

It didn't end as you might think. I was a timid lad back then, with absolutely zero moves.

Slept in separate beds and woke up with a monster hangover
Remember being that age where a hangover could be fixed by a large, greasy breakfast burrito? Remember when a hangover wasn't a full-day affair?

God I miss those days.

Anyways, we went out to meet her dealer.
I remember this dude being like WAYYYY TOO OLD to be selling to teens. It was awkward.

She hands him $20, he hands over a bag. She laughs and mentions its my first time.

His eyes go wide and he laughs.
He reached back in his car and dug around before pulling out a cigarette in a bag.

"On the house for the first timer"

Fast forward to that night

It's about 11pm. For whatever reason, we decide that we can't do this in the hotel. Or anywhere around the hotel.

We walk a mile away to a soccer field with no lights

It was PITCH black. Couldn't see her a foot away from me.
She pulls out her bubbler, and hands me the bag with the cigarette in it. She sparks her bubbler, and I spark my smoke.

We got to talking, and I used to smoke cigarettes so it was a natural motion for me.

Few minutes went by.
I smoked the whole fucking thing.

She looked at me and I remember the first bit of panic was her saying just that


Nothing had hit yet. I was fine.
Until I wasn't
The skyline EXPLODED like a nuclear bomb. I could see everything clear as day.

There were rotating triangles of light above the trees that mingled with the bomb.

Water came up to my knees. I remember trying to walk, and it felt like wading.
"We should go back to the room!" She said cheerfully

I was still trying to figure out the concept of a room
She started walking, and I started wading

With every step, I was aware of my whole body. I could feel my organs moving, and I could feel them working. I could feel them sloshing around inside me.

I could feel my hair growing. And my teeth grind.
What felt like three hours later, we reached the end of the field. In reality, maybe two minutes.

I needed a break.
Up several flights of stairs we went. Everywhere I looked was a new color, and I fucking HATED it.

Cars that went by emitted a smell that smelled like headaches. The world was spinning, and I was holding on for dear life.
Another important note: I thought this was all normal. I thought she was going through the same thing. I just thought "this is what weed is like"

More important note: I was still trying to impress her, so I had said nothing about what was going on
We got back to the room. Right outside of it.

I took the key out of my pocket, and I remember this moment exactly, because this is where I lost it
I took the key out, looked at the lock, and realized two things:

1. I am not going to end up impressing this girl

2. I am going to feel this way forever now
I couldn't even figure out how a key was supposed to work

So I dropped it, and rested on the balcony railing. Just breathing

She was saying stuff to me, but I'll be fucked if I can remember it
The creeping thought kept persisting: this is going to be this way forever

So, I did the only thing rational

If this was going to be forever, I didn't want to be

So I tried to jump off the balcony

It must've looked really embarrassing, because I'm sure I was doing it REALLY SLOWLY

I felt her pull my collar and throw me into the room

I landed on my back, and looked up to see her looking down at me
If there were ever a way to redeem this event and possibly correct my course, this was it

I could've made this into a romantically inclined evening, if you get me

But instead, I vomited. Projectile.

I was not getting laid.
I don't remember how I got to the bathroom, but there I was. Emptying my stomach contents to the point where the whole system was reversing, and I threw up stomach lining, and I'm guessing some things from my intestines, too

It was not pretty
Thankfully, she was a good friend.

Unthankfully, she was also pretty fucking high.

She started calling all her friends asking what to do.

Then she called all MY friends.

Words were just sausage. I couldn't understand them.
Until she called the dealer.

I heard one word.

It was louder than all the other words. It was said with anger, horror, shock, and concern.

One word.

For those who don't know:…

Mescaline is like LSD on shrooms.
I didn't find this out until later, but the dealer wanted to make my first time special.

So he gave me weed laced with mescaline.

Is this starting to make the first part of this make sense now?
I still had my head on the toilet seat. I only moved to heave. I couldn't talk. All I could do was think.

I remember one brief snapshot of my thoughts. It was as follows:
"I remember this quote by Paul Mccartney that said once you do a drug it changes you for life

Am I changed?

Am I ruined?

Why Paul?

I can't stop thinking about Paul.

Do you think he knows this is happening?

I bet he's done this.

I don't like this
I spent the next several hours (real time) not being able to function. She sat outside, asking if I was okay and if I needed anything.

I became verbal again a few hours later

I remember when the sun came up, I felt like it was healing me
I slept for a couple hours, and then said a very quick goodbye that consisted of the most awkward hug in history.

I was still high as fuck, but I had to drive 300 miles home.

I remember the cars on the freeway would switch places, shapes and colors
I had to pull over and took a 15 minute nap on I-5 just south of Seattle. Bad idea.

But, I made it home.
And that, my friends, is the first time I smoked pot.

Fuck you, dealer
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