Thread by @verveinter

Here’s my thread.

This might be the stupidest thing I’ll ever do, or it might be the best. Most likely, it’s both.

I have felt those dark and twisted feelings. They started as a thorny vine erupting from the ground at my feet. They slowly worked their way around my ankles and

up my legs, around my torso, twisted over my arms, and twirled around my neck. I could barely move. Unable to fight the vines, I felt them bind my legs together and my hands behind my back; and they began covering my face. They had me in a defenseless position, unable to see or

hear anything outside my own mind. Then came the whispers.

“You’re not worth it.
You haven’t done anything.
You’ve made all the wrong choices.
You never learn.
You can’t even manage basics.”

I couldn’t make them go away, and they grew louder and louder... prodding me on toward

something.

“It’s all downhill from here. You’ve seen it yourself.
Things only get worse with age.
This is the best it’s ever going to be.
You’re so tired.
You can’t take more of this.”

I still crawled forward, so they began pushing their way into my body. Into my mind. They

saved the darkest whispers for last.

“You are a burden to people. They are sick of it.
Think about them. They’d be free without you!
You are toxic to the world.
AND THE PAIN CAN END. THEY WILL BE FREE TO LIVE, AND YOUR PAIN CAN END!
IT’S BEST FOR EVERYONE, AND YOU KNOW IT.

It was a relief! The notion I would no longer be causing grief for other people, and I would no longer be able to feel these thorns cutting into my body? Into my mind? Into my soul? Of course it’s the answer!

And some tiny thing inside me said, “Wait. Just wait a minute.

Just one minute.”

And I heard that tiny thing. And I listened. And I waited. Just a minute.

It was enough for me to wonder. That little thing inside me said someone might know something about these vines you don’t. So I stopped just a minute, and I asked someone, and another

someone to be sure:

“Is this right?
Will this really help me?
Will everyone be happier and free, including me?”

The answer was no. And then

I SAID NO.

That tiny thing inside me, which I think was the last drop of love I had left in my body, told me to ask for help. And I got

it.

And you know what? Those thorny vines are liars. But they whisper so sweetly and so seductively and so LOUDLY, you would swear you were hearing your own voice.

Jenna and Courtney saved my life. Aimee, Keith and Shannon, Deshara, and Mike helped keep me alive so I could find

help and hope.

I knew 100% I couldn’t be saved, and I was wrong.

You’re wrong, too.

Revealing this about myself is such a risk. People might not hire me. People may no longer trust me with their children. People may see me as damaged or weak. Or dangerous. Unpredictable.

This terrifies me. I now know I have much to lose.

And, if one person- a friend, a family member, a stranger- gains even an ounce of courage or hope from it, I can live with all the repercussions.

Because now I can live.