Thread by @SuperNerdMike

I ever tell y'all about the time me, Jason of @GradedPointFive, & Fetus Berry of @NIPpodcast accidentally sunk a Mexican aircraft carrier while high on mescalin, searching for cactuses just across the border?

So there we were, trying to celebrate FB getting his driver's license out in New Mexico.

Me & Jason were in the back of FB's dune buggy that he made out of an old Yugo, & a diesel powered engine running on jet fuel, & held together with angel hair, & a strongly worded curse.

Driving around, fucked out of our minds, while FB took the dunes like they owed him money. It was a fun few hours.

We'd been running outta weed, & mescaline at this point. We're about to call it a day, when Jason remembers he knows what kind of cactus mescaline is made out of.

So FB drives south.

And it was at this point, we realized, we probably should have had somebody sober with us, because we ended up near the Gulf of Mexico.

We found a couple of them cactuses (I don't think it was the right ones) when we spotted a plume of smoke.

Driving over, we found a massacre.

About a dozen vehicles, half burning, or finished burning at this point, thirty dead Mexicans, & a dead Federale.

Well, to be frank, we thought he was dead. Because he was covered in cannibal salsa, blood & guts everywhere.

In his grip, was one of these fuckers. It was spewing Spanish, & full of static, but it still worked, somehow.

I tried to pick up the radio, & the Federale threw a punch at me with a boot. So I stepped back.

FB went to go save the guy's life.

Then Jason grabbed the radio.

I went to go see if there was any kerosene or diesel in one of the burned out trucks, while FB is trying to wake the Federale.

Then I hear Jason yelling Spanish into the radio.

"Donde está la biblioteca!"
"Yo quero taco bell!"
"Mis pantalones están caídos. Repito. iMis pantalones están caídos!"

Then he started yelling "NIGRA, NIGRA, NIGRA" over & over again.

That's when I heard the missiles streak overhead towards the bay.

So, let's step back a bit.

It turns out The Library was the code name for a Mexican army, airforce, & Federale joint operation to take out corrupt elements in the Mexican navy who were working with the cartels to deliver coke to Chevy Chase's personal stash.

The guy on the other end was asking for a four letter confirmation code to confirm that the caller was indeed looking for The Library.

Which happened to be YQTB.

The operator mistook his statement as a stressed attempt at jargon, and accepted Jason's authority.

Then, I'm not really certain to this day, but apparently the operator misunderstood "My pants are down" as, "My targets are down", thinking that Jason was under fire, but needed something big.

So he asked again for a confirmation code, & Jason kept yelling, "BLACK, BLACK, BLACK"

So that's how Jason accidentally called in a Black hawk to begin a fire mission on an aircraft carrier.

Now, at this point, FB manages to get the agent awake, & he asked us who we were, & what happened, & we tell him we were just passing through.

And then we hear an explosion, & the resulting plume of smoke, as the Blackhawk was finished taking out the carrier.

It turns out, the Federale agents were sent as distractions to take on cartel patrol groups in the area, while the army, & airforce had to take on the carrier.

Our home boy had just finished killing thirty men on his own with a boot, & his side arm, before one of the SUVs exploded, & knocked him out.

The Library was waiting for him, & others to report back in, & as a last resort, if they couldn't take down the cartel, the carrier.

Anyway, it all worked out, because our homeboy really was the only agent left alive, & without his confirmation, they'd have sent in the army instead.

FB got the highest civilian honor for saving the Federale, the uh, La Luchamáscara Del Presidente(?) & us, well.

Two bottles of tequila, & a request never to tell anyone what happened for at least five years.

So we got off pretty lightly, tbh.