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John Bolton's Mustache @BoltonMustach
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#secondcivilwarletters
My Dearest Maria,
Today we were engaged in a great battle just outside the Golden Gate. As our brigade was about to encamp for the afternoon after a long and arduous bike ride from the Presidio we encountered a whole division of Kekistan regulars...
They were the feared Spencer's Raiders (Das Alt-Reichengroupen) which had plagued the streets of Charlottesville. The enemy spotted our advance guard and opened fire with a cannonade of talking points memos. General Flores sounded the advance and our brave men and women dug...
defensive positions including a complete brestworks and ramparts around the the WiFi hotspot. I had a meme fly right past my head which knocked off my garrison cap. Luckily your devoted husband was uninjured.

The enemy breached our forward positions and were advancing on the..
hotspot. All seemed lost and I'm not afraid to tell you dear Maria I thought your loving husband was. going to perish upon the battlefield.

As the enemy was about to launch their flaming Citronella rockets at our position we heard the trumpeting of the bugler from afar...
It was General Martinez's 85th Arizonians (McCain Division). General Martinez deployed his troops and shored up our left flank with his fact based artillery and truth talking infantry. Oh Maria it was a glorious sight as the enemy fled back to their mom's basement and 4chan...
postings! You should have seen the sight whilst they screamed their feelings were being hurts and that they were being oppressed. Our men and women fought with such glory and honor it made me cry tears of joy. There was such gallantry on display!
Oh Maria, how I long to be in your loving arms again.
Tell the children their daddy fought with bravery and he loves them.

Until we meet again I remain your devoted lover and husband,

Robert.
@ManchuCandidate
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#SecondCivilWarLetters
Today, I singlehandedly shut down one of America’s most inspiring monuments dedicated to immigrants.
Yes! Me, Myself, & I! I quickly regretted this protest as I couldn’t climb back down from the Statue of Liberty’s base tho. It’s scary doing protest stuff!
#Secondcivalwarletters After cowering in abject terror for several hours, the enemy provoked my awokedness by demanding that I climb back down...but I resisted. I clenched my teeth in a fierce grimace and attempted to channel my inner Bey-ness. I felt liberated! Then I fainted.
#SecondCivilWarLetters When I re-awoked I discovered the enemy had me surrounded with climbing harnesses and ropes. After waving some vegan candies in my face, I quickly succumbed to being taken into custody, but I defiantly left fingernail scratches on Lady Liberty’s foot first!
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Dearest Ma,
They wanted me to fight but I knew I could do more here with my many Russians bots and cloth diapers. You see owning the libs is merely a state of mind and a matter of likes and retweets.
Your son
Charlie Kirk
#secondcivilwarletters
As I watch the battles rage I am glad that I am wearing my tactical polo shirts and am slathered with Ritz Carlton lotion. Do protect the Christian chicken franchise. Also I’m not having an affair with any of my employees. Love Scott #SecondCivilWarLetters
Dearest Jared, please know that father has high hopes for you to end this war. Also I might be leaving you for @JustinTrudeau. Love Ivanka #secondcivilwarletters
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Dearest, there was a blitz attack near Bowling Green, where Twitter fell...for a few minutes. It was actually pretty annoying. #secondcivilwarletters
The alt-right then detonated a fake news bomb on FB that jammed up the servers. This has only helped us, as some boomers had to wait for their kid’s help to get back online. Those kids are with us, & they took their time getting there. Creating a diversion. #secondcivilwarletters
We’ve lost some good ones to covfefe traps, but we have hope they’re still literate. The battle rages on, my love. I hope to one day be able to swipe right on you again. Sincerely yours. #secondcivilwarletters
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#secondcivilwarletters
My Darling Clara,
I write to you today along the Twittermattox timeline where the infirmary tents continue to fill without cessation, the woods ringing with the barking despairs hollowed-eyed souls driven to madness by butthurt and sick burns.
I have done what I can to stanch the outbreaks of gangrene and capslock but I fear there will be no respite, as Colonel Trump's militia and the Resisters have vowed victory, even down to the final lunatic, and I am running low on bandages and alcohol.
The situation has become desperately hilarious and I fear that I, like so many others, shall lose my own buttocks to the dark laughter. I implore you my dearest to please pray for my buttocks and send more alcohol.

Your Faithful and Devoted BAE,
David
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#secondcivilwarletters
My Dearest Husband,

At long last, by the grace of God & a lucky Uber alone, our Hortons Battalion has reached our American comrades. We brought with us shoes & poutine. Morale has soared. Gen. Maddow and Captain Avenatti will be leading our charge at dawn
The MAGAts are confident in their victory but for our Nation, our Freedom we will fight & no greater battle there is. Our electro-cars are charged,our rations well stocked. By dawn's first light, my darling immortal, we make our stand. Their barbarism & truck nuts shall not stand
Though the Wifi may be spotted and the inhumanity and strife great we shall not bow before them. We must vanquish them.On the morrow we will engage the 4th Incel Tikki Regiment & march on to free the children. Beloved, do not despair, even if I shall fall, I shall fall for virtue
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#Today's story to #EndFamilySeparation Four months ago, Dad and 4-month-old entered at the Texas/Mexico border and requested #asylum. Dad and child were immediately separated and the baby put in ORR custody. #FamiliesBelongTogether
Dad was detained in a #Texas detention center where @RAICESTEXAS consulted. Dad accepted a deportation to be quickly reunited w/ his infant child. However, the Dad was deported & NOT his child. The now 8-month-old baby has been in ORR custody for 4 months. #EndFamilySeparation
The Mom and Dad now have once weekly Skype calls with their 8-month-old baby. That's right, folks. They Skype with an infant. #EndFamilySeparation #FamiliesBelongTogether
Read 7 tweets

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