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John Bolton's Mustache @BoltonMustach
, 8 tweets, 2 min read Read on Twitter
My Dearest Maria,
Today we were engaged in a great battle just outside the Golden Gate. As our brigade was about to encamp for the afternoon after a long and arduous bike ride from the Presidio we encountered a whole division of Kekistan regulars...
They were the feared Spencer's Raiders (Das Alt-Reichengroupen) which had plagued the streets of Charlottesville. The enemy spotted our advance guard and opened fire with a cannonade of talking points memos. General Flores sounded the advance and our brave men and women dug...
defensive positions including a complete brestworks and ramparts around the the WiFi hotspot. I had a meme fly right past my head which knocked off my garrison cap. Luckily your devoted husband was uninjured.

The enemy breached our forward positions and were advancing on the..
hotspot. All seemed lost and I'm not afraid to tell you dear Maria I thought your loving husband was. going to perish upon the battlefield.

As the enemy was about to launch their flaming Citronella rockets at our position we heard the trumpeting of the bugler from afar...
It was General Martinez's 85th Arizonians (McCain Division). General Martinez deployed his troops and shored up our left flank with his fact based artillery and truth talking infantry. Oh Maria it was a glorious sight as the enemy fled back to their mom's basement and 4chan...
postings! You should have seen the sight whilst they screamed their feelings were being hurts and that they were being oppressed. Our men and women fought with such glory and honor it made me cry tears of joy. There was such gallantry on display!
Oh Maria, how I long to be in your loving arms again.
Tell the children their daddy fought with bravery and he loves them.

Until we meet again I remain your devoted lover and husband,

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