As we had discussed, I undertook a sortie deep into the Red Sector during daylight, for to acquire solar LEDs string lights for the new protest sign. Despite my freak flag flying and our suspiciously fuel-efficient vehicle,
...festooned as it is with the "PISS OFF PUTIN - VOTE DEMOCRATIC" magnetic bumper sticker of the @HarleyRouda Campaign, I have returned unscathed, and our vehicle showing no obvious signs of bullet holes or other Red Hat vandalism.
I even managed polite interaction with the shopkeepers, who were clearly relieved to discover I speak with a slight twang and so at least I was unlikely to be MS-13. Just hairy.
True Story, irrespective of a resignation @EPAScottPruitt still faces 15 Federal Probes.
Better pay your attorney Scotty bc the DC machine is going to bear down like a pissed off Bear
Who ever found this head shot, good LORD give them a raise.
😂😂👇🏻😂😂 @EPAScottPruitt when are you paying the tax payers back for your largesse
Me is NOT sads
Me laughs and laughs and laughs
My dearest Marylin,
I fear that we have lost the war
I meandered into my privacy booth, wearing only my tactical pants and armed with pens from Tiny Jewel Box.
Do not weep for me
I have dispatched my SUV and we shall be reunited by night’s end.
-your Scott #secondcivilwarletters
For those of us who were raised as fundamentalists and Republicans who were not to leave the party when we grew up - we learned our politics not only from debate club (private/public/homeschool) but also from people like Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones and Glenn Beck.
When many of us grew up and finally escaped "the box" (as one has called it), or "the cult" as many of us have come to refer to our upbringing; we found other ""talking heads"" that we could learn from, and we listened to various voices such as NPR.
Today, I singlehandedly shut down one of America’s most inspiring monuments dedicated to immigrants.
Yes! Me, Myself, & I! I quickly regretted this protest as I couldn’t climb back down from the Statue of Liberty’s base tho. It’s scary doing protest stuff!
#Secondcivalwarletters After cowering in abject terror for several hours, the enemy provoked my awokedness by demanding that I climb back down...but I resisted. I clenched my teeth in a fierce grimace and attempted to channel my inner Bey-ness. I felt liberated! Then I fainted.
#SecondCivilWarLetters When I re-awoked I discovered the enemy had me surrounded with climbing harnesses and ropes. After waving some vegan candies in my face, I quickly succumbed to being taken into custody, but I defiantly left fingernail scratches on Lady Liberty’s foot first!
It's a hard scrabble life on the front lines, but we are well stocked on our receipt and meme supplies. We occupy our time in camp with letters from family and rousing songs of traitor indictments. Spirits are high.
Enclosed is a tintype.
Cpl Mario Linty
One of the most grievously injured in the Butthurt Ward was named "Ray". We confiscated this not yet mailed letter in his possession. Apparently the affliction took him prior to this battle. Is this some new pox or plague?
Four score and seven hours ago, amandablount2 brought forth on this platform, a new meme conceived in humor, and dedicated to the proposition that we need to laugh. #secondcivilwarletters
Now we are engaged in a fake civil war, testing whether our memetics, so hashtagged, so funny, can get us through.
We are memeing on the battlefield of that war. #secondcivilwarletters
Even though senators have forsaken this great nation for Moscow, and next year might be the St. Petersburg Address, we cannot surrender our humor.
The battle has has been joined, but not yet won. #secondcivilwarletters
Twelve score and two years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. This was, of course, total bullshit. #SecondCivilWar#NewGettysburgAddress
Black men, Native men, and other men who were not white protestants from the right parts of Europe were certainly not treated as equals, and that's not even mentioning how women were completely left out of the whole Equality business. #SecondCivilWar#NewGettysburgAddress
Still, as a nation we soldiered on. Bit by bit we got our shit together. Women fought for the right to vote, and won. Black people fought for the right not to be treated as chattel, or second class citizens, and won. #SecondCivilWar#NewGettysburgAddress
I'm sorry to tell you we lost Kayleigh last night together with the whole Feminist Corps.
Turns out they were all freebleeding and that attracted all of the bears on a 200 mile radius.
And Mom, would you believe it? the bears are not vegan!!
I must demand most seriously that you immediately double our ration of dildos. We have had several members of the Trans Brigade break into the barracks of the 1st Gay Batallion to steal dildos.
General X #secondcivilwarletters
With deep sadness I have to report the complete loss of the 2nd Special Lesbian Unit. Last night a small skirmish with some members of the Trans Brigade led to a violent incident that left 824 dead from both units.
The bloodshed is regrettable but we fight on
Last month I saw the Massachusetts 54 Civil War monument in the Smithsonian, which I didn't know was there, and it filled me with such awe and pride I started to tear up. 1/x
This unit of black men who volunteered to fight for our country was nearly annihilated storming a confederate fort that never feel during the Civil War. That's depicted in the fantastic 89 film Glory. As is the mass burial of the unit with their white officers. 2/x
What's not clear in that movie is the fact that mass graves in the 1860s were a violation of international law and a war crime. It almost never happened during the Civil War, yet it did to the Mass 54. Such contempt was shown this unit of American soldiers that 3/x
Having succeeded in mobilizing the Knights of Columbus, the Pennsylvanian Sanfedisti Army marches on Harrisburg. Tell the Holy Father that the Triregnum and the Keys will fly over the State Capital by the end of the month.
I send this missive on the eve of our big campaign. Days long, heat oppressive, yet we push forward—the enemy distracted by inane ramblings of their leader, who suffers from imaginary, yet debilitating bone spur disease. Prevail, we must!
My Little Red Hen,
We are exhausted from caging toddlers and we found that the local saloon would not serve as as our hats were red and did not suit. This civil war lacks civility. Old man Dershowitz was runnin' wild today howlin' at the moon. The war has done stole his wits...
General Sessions has promised that all the men with no conscience won't have to drill tomorrow. Colonel Pruitt has been taken by the fits and burns every field and poisons every river willy-nilly. We worry on account of he seems addle-pated but wont no one right him.
We hear from the capital that all is well and Mizz Devos told us we were winnin'. We need torches and are low on facts. We skirmished with some blues in a small town called Killpeopleburg. Lost some fine people. We were cruelly mislead into this costly and unjust conflict
My Dearest Maria,
Today we were engaged in a great battle just outside the Golden Gate. As our brigade was about to encamp for the afternoon after a long and arduous bike ride from the Presidio we encountered a whole division of Kekistan regulars...
They were the feared Spencer's Raiders (Das Alt-Reichengroupen) which had plagued the streets of Charlottesville. The enemy spotted our advance guard and opened fire with a cannonade of talking points memos. General Flores sounded the advance and our brave men and women dug...
defensive positions including a complete brestworks and ramparts around the the WiFi hotspot. I had a meme fly right past my head which knocked off my garrison cap. Luckily your devoted husband was uninjured.
The enemy breached our forward positions and were advancing on the..
My Dearest Beloved,
It has been but a fortnight since we last saw the enemy but their presence is felt as we march through the chard remains of Bowling Green, MAGA hats litter the ground everywhere. #secondcivilwarletters
It would be incorrect to say there was a massacre, but keeping with the times I will do so anyway.
While the other side has natural advantages in their sheer abundance of camouflage vests our rations, from what prisoners tell me, are considerably better.
Can you believe they have naught a scrap of avocado toast on the other side!? One can’t imagine such a life. I have furthermore come to learn that very few of their military commissaries have Edison light blues, such barbarity.
They wanted me to fight but I knew I could do more here with my many Russians bots and cloth diapers. You see owning the libs is merely a state of mind and a matter of likes and retweets.
Charlie Kirk #secondcivilwarletters
As I watch the battles rage I am glad that I am wearing my tactical polo shirts and am slathered with Ritz Carlton lotion. Do protect the Christian chicken franchise. Also I’m not having an affair with any of my employees. Love Scott #SecondCivilWarLetters
The sisters and I have devised the most brilliant of plans! We lured the redneck MAGAts to the open pastures by setting up moonshine distilleries. Once gathered, we annihilated the booze with potato canons, which we stole from the drunkards.
Their tears on anguish were more than enough to fill our bongs, from which we smoked our weed with their Republican Tears.
My Darling, After a stunning victory at Bowling Green our unit refueled with hot cups of Covfefe. We received our updates From General M. Obama via microwave, so we were prepared for the sea of MAGA hats & ill-fitting khakis. Why have they no tailors? #secondcivilwarletters
Dearest, Be heartened. Our moral is lifted by fantastic music as we have all of the rhythm & artistic talent on our side. We also have the science, which is helpful for so many reasons. And yet, still, I have seen horrors. The grammar, my god, the grammar. #secondcivilwarletters
Beloved, We dealt them a stunning blow today. We raided the buy one get one free sale at Lowe's. There are no tiki torches for miles. How shall the straight, white men with all the power now cry out in agony now? We shall prevail. #secondcivilwarletters
Dearest, there was a blitz attack near Bowling Green, where Twitter fell...for a few minutes. It was actually pretty annoying. #secondcivilwarletters
The alt-right then detonated a fake news bomb on FB that jammed up the servers. This has only helped us, as some boomers had to wait for their kid’s help to get back online. Those kids are with us, & they took their time getting there. Creating a diversion. #secondcivilwarletters
We’ve lost some good ones to covfefe traps, but we have hope they’re still literate. The battle rages on, my love. I hope to one day be able to swipe right on you again. Sincerely yours. #secondcivilwarletters
I fear this may be my last letter to you. We in the 45th Trollers have suffered devestating losses at Loesch Tweets and Receipts Run. Brother Malcolm has deserted us and dox supplies are low. All hope is lost. Farewell.
As always, I'm writing you by gaslight. I'm on the run after being routed at the battle of Wompwomp Bridge. My socks have holes and the journo scum are closing in. Igor's knives were no help. I love you.
Prime Minster Gretzky has proven tougher than we thought and has given his commander, General Beiber, the green light for all kinds of attacks.
In the west the #stillwithher alliance led by secretary General @WhoopiGoldberg sustained heavy losses today.