Discover and read the best of Twitter Threads about #secondcivilwarletters

Most recents (11)

My Little Red Hen,
We are exhausted from caging toddlers and we found that the local saloon would not serve as as our hats were red and did not suit. This civil war lacks civility. Old man Dershowitz was runnin' wild today howlin' at the moon. The war has done stole his wits...
General Sessions has promised that all the men with no conscience won't have to drill tomorrow. Colonel Pruitt has been taken by the fits and burns every field and poisons every river willy-nilly. We worry on account of he seems addle-pated but wont no one right him.
We hear from the capital that all is well and Mizz Devos told us we were winnin'. We need torches and are low on facts. We skirmished with some blues in a small town called Killpeopleburg. Lost some fine people. We were cruelly mislead into this costly and unjust conflict
Read 4 tweets
My Dearest Maria,
Today we were engaged in a great battle just outside the Golden Gate. As our brigade was about to encamp for the afternoon after a long and arduous bike ride from the Presidio we encountered a whole division of Kekistan regulars...
They were the feared Spencer's Raiders (Das Alt-Reichengroupen) which had plagued the streets of Charlottesville. The enemy spotted our advance guard and opened fire with a cannonade of talking points memos. General Flores sounded the advance and our brave men and women dug...
defensive positions including a complete brestworks and ramparts around the the WiFi hotspot. I had a meme fly right past my head which knocked off my garrison cap. Luckily your devoted husband was uninjured.

The enemy breached our forward positions and were advancing on the..
Read 8 tweets
My Dearest Beloved,
It has been but a fortnight since we last saw the enemy but their presence is felt as we march through the chard remains of Bowling Green, MAGA hats litter the ground everywhere.
It would be incorrect to say there was a massacre, but keeping with the times I will do so anyway.

While the other side has natural advantages in their sheer abundance of camouflage vests our rations, from what prisoners tell me, are considerably better.

Can you believe they have naught a scrap of avocado toast on the other side!? One can’t imagine such a life. I have furthermore come to learn that very few of their military commissaries have Edison light blues, such barbarity.

Read 40 tweets
Dearest Ma,
They wanted me to fight but I knew I could do more here with my many Russians bots and cloth diapers. You see owning the libs is merely a state of mind and a matter of likes and retweets.
Your son
Charlie Kirk
As I watch the battles rage I am glad that I am wearing my tactical polo shirts and am slathered with Ritz Carlton lotion. Do protect the Christian chicken franchise. Also I’m not having an affair with any of my employees. Love Scott #SecondCivilWarLetters
Dearest Jared, please know that father has high hopes for you to end this war. Also I might be leaving you for @JustinTrudeau. Love Ivanka #secondcivilwarletters
Read 4 tweets
MAGA'ers trying to troll #secondcivilwarletters tweets is seriously one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
"You're not funny."

Yes, that's because you don't get the joke.
Read 3 tweets
My dearest husband,

My regiment dressed in silence this solemn morn donning sensible sweaters for what was to come. At last this terrible war is upon us.

While smartly dressed, the enemy's resolve withered beneath our gestures of defiance

I shall make today's cookout after all
p.s. feel free to steal this pic and make your own #secondcivilwarletters
Note: photo credit to Andrew Shurtleff for Daily Progress.

This pic has been memed a thousand times but Mr. Shurtleff/Daily Progress may well have an opinion on its use.
Read 3 tweets
My Darling, After a stunning victory at Bowling Green our unit refueled with hot cups of Covfefe. We received our updates From General M. Obama via microwave, so we were prepared for the sea of MAGA hats & ill-fitting khakis. Why have they no tailors? #secondcivilwarletters
Dearest, Be heartened. Our moral is lifted by fantastic music as we have all of the rhythm & artistic talent on our side. We also have the science, which is helpful for so many reasons. And yet, still, I have seen horrors. The grammar, my god, the grammar. #secondcivilwarletters
Beloved, We dealt them a stunning blow today. We raided the buy one get one free sale at Lowe's. There are no tiki torches for miles. How shall the straight, white men with all the power now cry out in agony now? We shall prevail. #secondcivilwarletters
Read 7 tweets
My Darling Clara,
I write to you today along the Twittermattox timeline where the infirmary tents continue to fill without cessation, the woods ringing with the barking despairs hollowed-eyed souls driven to madness by butthurt and sick burns.
I have done what I can to stanch the outbreaks of gangrene and capslock but I fear there will be no respite, as Colonel Trump's militia and the Resisters have vowed victory, even down to the final lunatic, and I am running low on bandages and alcohol.
The situation has become desperately hilarious and I fear that I, like so many others, shall lose my own buttocks to the dark laughter. I implore you my dearest to please pray for my buttocks and send more alcohol.

Your Faithful and Devoted BAE,
Read 3 tweets
Beloved Tiara,
I’m sitting on a hill rn watching the countryside burn below me. We’re surrounded
Idk if this letter will ever reach u but i want u to know I love you & I fight for u

It’s peaceful tho, an eerie silence

The enemy is approac...

— unknown

Enclosed is the picture of you I’ve kept in my breast pocket... close to my heart from the day I last saw u

I want you to have it back my beautiful Tiara

Hold it close to your heart and feel mine beating inside

Take care of our children
Love them well

She’s so beautiful

I want her to come alive and crush them
Read 3 tweets
You must remember that the secret to all of this is not to be afraid of fear. When you can really allow yourself to be afraid, and you don't resist the experience of fear, you are truly beginning to master fear.
The stage is set
Actors are a running to the dark corners like roaches in the light
The ones that are the loudest are the main characters as no one can be that deceived
It's raining #TheRainMakers
Here comes the PAIN! #PatriotsFight
God's in Control
#WWG1WGA #KAG #GreatAwakening
Thread by @_VachelLindsay_
1. I have no doubt that Obama will be indicted and found guilty of at least THREE major felonies, just from his central involvement in the framing of Donald J Trump
@threadreaderapp #ObamaGate #MAGA #WWG1WGA #QAnon #LockThemUp…
Read 139 tweets

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