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David Burge @iowahawkblog
, 3 tweets, 1 min read Read on Twitter
#secondcivilwarletters
My Darling Clara,
I write to you today along the Twittermattox timeline where the infirmary tents continue to fill without cessation, the woods ringing with the barking despairs hollowed-eyed souls driven to madness by butthurt and sick burns.
I have done what I can to stanch the outbreaks of gangrene and capslock but I fear there will be no respite, as Colonel Trump's militia and the Resisters have vowed victory, even down to the final lunatic, and I am running low on bandages and alcohol.
The situation has become desperately hilarious and I fear that I, like so many others, shall lose my own buttocks to the dark laughter. I implore you my dearest to please pray for my buttocks and send more alcohol.

Your Faithful and Devoted BAE,
David
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All Nerds, Bow Before Your King
keep practicing, and some day hot Spanish girls will pay you to caress their locks with your sweet katana moves and Wolverine claws
Take it from ol' Dave: chicks will start paying attention if you give 'em a little peekaboo unbuttoned shirt action, especially the bottom buttons
Read 3 tweets
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Sonics, "Louie Louie" > original by Richard Berry. Both are classics in their own right, but the Sonics version is definitive and arguably the first headbanger record ever made
Richard Berry's original is a fine mid-tempo R&B shuffle...
...rediscovered by Tacoma WA band Rockin' Robin Roberts & the Wailers a few years later...
Read 4 tweets
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This is why you can't trust Wikipedia. Sure, I'm dead, but obviously my poetry is not "humorously bad"
my ghostly apparition remains floating in this mortal coil only to haunt the critics of my poetry
Someday, my doggerel will be universally proclaimed the finest works of art ever produced by a human being. Until then, I will remain in your timeline, eerily rattling my chains and dropping fart jokes
Read 5 tweets

Related threads

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#SecondCivilWarLetters
Today, I singlehandedly shut down one of America’s most inspiring monuments dedicated to immigrants.
Yes! Me, Myself, & I! I quickly regretted this protest as I couldn’t climb back down from the Statue of Liberty’s base tho. It’s scary doing protest stuff!
#Secondcivalwarletters After cowering in abject terror for several hours, the enemy provoked my awokedness by demanding that I climb back down...but I resisted. I clenched my teeth in a fierce grimace and attempted to channel my inner Bey-ness. I felt liberated! Then I fainted.
#SecondCivilWarLetters When I re-awoked I discovered the enemy had me surrounded with climbing harnesses and ropes. After waving some vegan candies in my face, I quickly succumbed to being taken into custody, but I defiantly left fingernail scratches on Lady Liberty’s foot first!
Read 4 tweets
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#secondcivilwarletters
My Dearest Maria,
Today we were engaged in a great battle just outside the Golden Gate. As our brigade was about to encamp for the afternoon after a long and arduous bike ride from the Presidio we encountered a whole division of Kekistan regulars...
They were the feared Spencer's Raiders (Das Alt-Reichengroupen) which had plagued the streets of Charlottesville. The enemy spotted our advance guard and opened fire with a cannonade of talking points memos. General Flores sounded the advance and our brave men and women dug...
defensive positions including a complete brestworks and ramparts around the the WiFi hotspot. I had a meme fly right past my head which knocked off my garrison cap. Luckily your devoted husband was uninjured.

The enemy breached our forward positions and were advancing on the..
Read 8 tweets
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My Dearest Beloved,
It has been but a fortnight since we last saw the enemy but their presence is felt as we march through the chard remains of Bowling Green, MAGA hats litter the ground everywhere.
#secondcivilwarletters
It would be incorrect to say there was a massacre, but keeping with the times I will do so anyway.

While the other side has natural advantages in their sheer abundance of camouflage vests our rations, from what prisoners tell me, are considerably better.

#SecondCivilWarLetters
Can you believe they have naught a scrap of avocado toast on the other side!? One can’t imagine such a life. I have furthermore come to learn that very few of their military commissaries have Edison light blues, such barbarity.

#SecondCivilWarLetters
Read 40 tweets
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My Darling, After a stunning victory at Bowling Green our unit refueled with hot cups of Covfefe. We received our updates From General M. Obama via microwave, so we were prepared for the sea of MAGA hats & ill-fitting khakis. Why have they no tailors? #secondcivilwarletters
Dearest, Be heartened. Our moral is lifted by fantastic music as we have all of the rhythm & artistic talent on our side. We also have the science, which is helpful for so many reasons. And yet, still, I have seen horrors. The grammar, my god, the grammar. #secondcivilwarletters
Beloved, We dealt them a stunning blow today. We raided the buy one get one free sale at Lowe's. There are no tiki torches for miles. How shall the straight, white men with all the power now cry out in agony now? We shall prevail. #secondcivilwarletters
Read 7 tweets
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#secondcivilwarletters
My Dearest Husband,

At long last, by the grace of God & a lucky Uber alone, our Hortons Battalion has reached our American comrades. We brought with us shoes & poutine. Morale has soared. Gen. Maddow and Captain Avenatti will be leading our charge at dawn
The MAGAts are confident in their victory but for our Nation, our Freedom we will fight & no greater battle there is. Our electro-cars are charged,our rations well stocked. By dawn's first light, my darling immortal, we make our stand. Their barbarism & truck nuts shall not stand
Though the Wifi may be spotted and the inhumanity and strife great we shall not bow before them. We must vanquish them.On the morrow we will engage the 4th Incel Tikki Regiment & march on to free the children. Beloved, do not despair, even if I shall fall, I shall fall for virtue
Read 5 tweets
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#Today's story to #EndFamilySeparation Four months ago, Dad and 4-month-old entered at the Texas/Mexico border and requested #asylum. Dad and child were immediately separated and the baby put in ORR custody. #FamiliesBelongTogether
Dad was detained in a #Texas detention center where @RAICESTEXAS consulted. Dad accepted a deportation to be quickly reunited w/ his infant child. However, the Dad was deported & NOT his child. The now 8-month-old baby has been in ORR custody for 4 months. #EndFamilySeparation
The Mom and Dad now have once weekly Skype calls with their 8-month-old baby. That's right, folks. They Skype with an infant. #EndFamilySeparation #FamiliesBelongTogether
Read 7 tweets

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