Profile picture
The Wombat Resists @UrsulaV
, 20 tweets, 3 min read Read on Twitter
BUFFALO: Get in there and seduce that lich!
CHEETAH: I'm bad at that.
BUFFALO: THEN WHY DID YOU PLAY THE SEDUCTIVE CHARACTER
CHEETAH: I thought it would be fun?
BUFFALO: THEN GET IN THERE AND STICK YOUR TONGUE IN THE LICH'S EAR
Five minutes later...
CHEETAH: Look, if I'm not your type, I know lots of strong women!
CORGI: How did this go from CHEETAH seducing the lich to pimping out the party?
CHEETAH: BUFFALO, show him how strong you are?
BUFFALO: I pick up the lich.
GM: Like...physically or like 'hey baby'?
BUFFALO: First one, then the other.
GM: I guess...roll it...
BUFFALO: *rolls* *rolls again*
GM: ...you're...uh...carrying the lich.
BUFFALO: I confess, I did not think this through very well.
BUFFALO: I guess I'll take my lich for a walk. How long has it been since you went for a stroll, lichy?
LICH: Diiiieeee...
BUFFALO: Now I know you know other words than that.
LICH: Fuuuuucccck yooooouuuu
PALADIN: Hey, that's not very nice.
GM: The energies are starting to build. Roll to keep hold of the lich.
BUFFALO: *rolls* Yeah?
GM: Huh.
BUFFALO: It is not actually possible for me to fail this roll without a critical fumble.
GM: Soooo...I guess it's just you and him struggling until one of you fumbles...
TOAD: *grabs burning log* Uh...uh...I hand this to CHEETAH
CHEETAH: BUFFALO, don't flinch.
BUFFALO: If I didn't have my arms full of lich, I would punch you in the face for suggesting I flinch.
LICH: *rolls very well* *does a lot of damage*
BUFFALO: Well, you know what happens now.
GM: Oh lord.
BUFFALO: *goes berserk*
BUFFALO'S OXPECKER ANGER TRANSLATOR: Oh lord, not again.
GM: Your bird is sitting on your head, burning sandalwood incense and chanting "Ommm..."
BUFFALO: Yeah, he does that.
BUFFALO: I roar and headbash him.
GM: *rolls* That's...a critical failure. He dies. You're holding a robe full of dust and you're still berkserk.
PARTY: ...does anyone have tranqs?
CENTIPEDE: I slap BUFFALO.
PARTY: This is ill-advised.
CENTIPEDE: It's a small slap!
GM: Uh...BUFFALO, what do you do?
BUFFALO: I can't do anything. Berserk means full-on attack. I can't defend.
CENTIPEDE: I'm grappling! I've got her!
BUFFALO: I'm...uh...being hugged by a centipede...
CENTIPEDE: FEEL THE LOVE, BUFFALO
ELEPHANT: This is weird.
CORGI: Hey, big guy...the sun's getting real low...
BUFFALO: JESUS H. CHRIST
CORGI: I'm gonna do something unorthodox. I'm gonna roll over and be adorable. I'M GONNA WEAPONIZE CUTE
GM: ...uh....
CORGI: You know you wanna rub this belly!
BUFFALO: WE DO NOT HAVE THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP
CORGI: We could, though?
BUFFALO: NO WE COULD NOT
GM: You're...using your powers of cuteness...to force a willpower check...
CORGI: YES
GM: I...okay, roll willpower vs...willpower...I guess...
CORGI: *succeeds*
BUFFALO: *fails*
BUFFALO: I...I guess I'm rubbing the paladin's belly...
CORGI: Woo!
BUFFALO: Who's a good snoogy-woogums? Who's a good...wait, everything went red and now I'm petting the paladin?!
When our D&D campaign switched to Ironclaw, our butler, Drow-Bob, became Crow-Bob. He has a kanban board and makes a lot of notes.
Our new adventurers are the source of a lot of new post-it notes.
BUFFALO: I need catnip.
CROW-BOB: Wut
BUFFALO: Our CHEETAH can't seduce anybody worth a damn. I want catnip to throw on people he needs to seduce.
CROW-BOB: I mean, he could take lessons...
BUFFALO: Sure, lessons are fine. Give me the catnip as a backup.
CORGI: I don't know if this is ethical...
BUFFALO: Look, if you don't trust me to safeguard the mental health of our party members...well, it doesn't matter, because I'm very large and you can't take the catnip away from me.
GM: ...fair.
Missing some Tweet in this thread?
You can try to force a refresh.

Like this thread? Get email updates or save it to PDF!

Subscribe to The Wombat Resists
Profile picture

Get real-time email alerts when new unrolls are available from this author!

This content may be removed anytime!

Twitter may remove this content at anytime, convert it as a PDF, save and print for later use!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video

1) Follow Thread Reader App on Twitter so you can easily mention us!

2) Go to a Twitter thread (series of Tweets by the same owner) and mention us with a keyword "unroll" @threadreaderapp unroll

You can practice here first or read more on our help page!

More from @UrsulaV see all

Profile picture
KEVIN: You want to watch what?
KEVIN: Wait, is this the Kon Mari woman?
KEVIN: ....
*five seconds into show*
KEVIN: OH JESUS SHE’S ADORABLE
Ok, episode 1, and the couple sniping at each other is already making me deeply uncomfortable.
Ok, I am marginally sympathetic to the guy bellowing “DOES A BIN FULL OF HANGERS BRING YOU JOY?!”

Man, we’re at a weird cultural moment.
Read 7 tweets
Profile picture
That dark moment when you finally check the post office box and at least one of the packages definitely has a stuffed goat in it.
ME: Open that package and tell me if it’s a goat, will you?
TEEN: It is not a goat.
ME: Really?
TEEN: It’s a llama.
ME: ....
TEEN: It’s kind of adorable, actually.
...and a goat cookie cutter...
Read 5 tweets
Profile picture
Why have I never heard of Cangrande Della Scalla before?! Why did I spend so much time in history class reading the Crucible when it was freaking ergot, end of story, and there was a charming Italian warlord yanking arrows out of his own wounds in battle?
AND THEN HE HAD AN ENLIGHTENED TAX POLICY
I honestly don’t believe there’s any overarching conspiracy to nearly anything, but “Let’s make history curriculums boring so kids don’t read it and then discover Very Upsetting Things” would be a really slick bit of social engineering.
Read 3 tweets

Related threads

Profile picture
fun fact about that "Foone" gravestone: For the last few months at my government job, my official office placard was replaced with this picture, in a sort of morbid passive-aggressive protest.
and I've already posted a thread about the Other Foone, the one who's dead:
in that thread I don't explain why I'm Foone, though:
It's not related to that Foone. I didn't know about him until after I'd been using Foone for a while. My name is from "Foo" (as in "Foo Bar Baz Qux") + NE, from a c64 joystick.
Read 23 tweets
Profile picture
Thought it would be fun to read this here local magazine about local food but no, it's like a catalogue of fecklessness.
This magazine issue has everything!

Chefs "foraging for ingredients," which is what they call selling off wild vegetation when it's gentrified
ooh a breathless tale of how they're Bringing Back Local Grain!

Only when you read it, it's actually just 15 acres of wheat & $25K worth of milling eqpmt and somehow it took a multi-year effort : /
Read 11 tweets
Profile picture
45 Days Of @ElvisCostello: a twitter megathread in anticipation of the Oct 12 release date of LOOK NOW, the new LP by Elvis Costello & The Imposters

This is either a bright idea or a brilliant mistake, but this is only, this is only, this is only the beginning...
I did something similar to this 5 years ago, in anticipation of EC & @theroots' Wise Up Ghost LP, on tumblr.

(You can still find all those posts if you look, although a lot of the YouTube links etc are now dead ends. It was 40 Days Of EC then, so for 2018 I'm upping it to 45.)
Mostly I will be going chronologically from the early years right up to the present, but it feels right to start out with Costello's 2002 song, "45."

Music Video directed by @jessebdylan


(There's an alternate "diner" version I can't find anywhere online)
Read 2378 tweets
Profile picture
#TailorSnarkWars
MetaBattle: Self-perception&Cognition
I. Our brains are out to get us
II. Dementia comes for us all
III. Narcissism is an underlying feature/bug of consciousness
IV. Try not look like a 40 year old vampire even if you are

***V. Defense Against The Dark Arts***
This is gonna be a continuing series, because it’s complex. How we think about fashion is just one aspect of how we think and perceive. I’ve been working on this for a while. It’s foundational. Per usual, I’m just articulating what you already know.
Prior threads in this series:








End Repetitive Content
Read 76 tweets
Profile picture
Shane is fangirling about meeting Rebekah and Kol, the Original vampires, and bragging about not being able to be compelled. Then Bex tells Kol to beat the location of the cure out of him. Lol. Imagine meeting your idols and they beat the shit out of you.
Back to this. "Truth or dare, Elena?"
"Dare." Damn that's brave.
"I dare you to tell Stefan the truth about Damon."
Sweetie, that's truth not dare, but I am here for this.
"Seriously?!" Caroline being there for Stefan again.
Bex is being really childish though
"Being with Damon makes me happy." HSHDFLK YES IT DOES.
"Makes you happy? Clowns make you happy Elena. Dig a little deeper."
Actually, clowns do quite the opposite of making me happy, but to each their own Rebekah. 🙈
Read 1801 tweets
Profile picture
1/
 This is going to be #FUN

reuters.com/article/us-usa…
2/
 In 2009, when FBIDir Mueller, the bureau asked Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska to spend millions of his own dollars funding an FBI-supervised operation to rescue a retired FBI agent, Robert Levinson, captured in Iran while working for the CIA in 2007

3/
 "turn over all documentation associated with the bureau’s investigation into former National Security Advisor Army Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn"

via @SaraCarterDC

saraacarter.com/grassley-deman…
Read 13 tweets

Trending hashtags

#sope #Cowboys #Steelers #blood #NotGuilty #Broncos #Saints #Patriots #Texans #TailorSnarkWars #Panthers #Eagles #mtpcon #Russians #CBCisFAKENEWS #GM #ItsTime #DropAllCharges #bad #Ozark #Bears #WWG1WWGA #RecordStoreDay2019 #FatStudyGroup #Ironheart

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!

This site is made by just three indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member and get exclusive features!

Premium member ($3.00/month or $30.00/year)

Too expensive? Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal Become our Patreon

Thank you for your support!