Today is #griefawarenessday. I think it’s important for those grieving to admit “I am hurting.” Too often they don’t because our loved ones' natural inclination is to “fix it.” Grief is not to be fixed. The grieving want to be seen, to be heard and acknowledged. That’s all.
Resist the urge to do anything that might come off as judgmental. Don’t suggest a “better” way to grieve. These include, but are not limited to “don’t cry,” “cheer up,” and “everything happens for a reason."
Don’t make it about you. Grief is a wholly singular experience. Talking about your own loss and pain is a good-hearted attempt to empathize. But it almost never helps. Your loss (or break-up, divorce, or whatever) is not my loss.
Don’t make assumptions about a person’s beliefs. These include God’s plan, the afterlife, guardian angels, etc. It is sweet that people want to reassure me that I will see my dead loved ones again, but I do not believe that is so, and I don’t want to be told I will.
Acknowledge that you don’t know what to say. It’s okay. We don’t know what to say either. In early grief especially, nothing helps. Nothing makes us feel better. That’s not your job.
Your job is simply to show up, acknowledge you see that we are hurting, and let it hurt. Because it does. It will. And it will continue to hurt.
Overall, be kind. Resist the urge to clean it up, make it go away, talk about overcoming. Grief isn’t overcome. It’s just something you live with. Forever. It changes, but it stays.
It’s uncomfortable. It’s awful. But remember that it’s umpteen million times harder for the grieving than for you.
And remember that at some point, you, too, will grieve. You have no idea how you will react. You have no idea what fallout will ensue. And neither does your grieving friend. It’s scary for everyone. Just be kind. Be there. Don’t try to fix or change it. Live with the discomfort.
