ANONYMOUS OP-ED WRITER: Today I had to draw an extra ocean on a map between the US and Canada to stave off a land invasion. It’s all under control.
ANONYMOUS OP-ED WRITER: Just stole the orders for a seal team 6 black ops kidnapping of A.G. Sulzberger off the President’s desk.
ANONYMOUS OP-ED WRITER: No cause for alarm, Karen Pence will not be waterboarded today. She is banned from the Vermeil Room for the time being. Aren't you glad I am on the inside?
ANONYMOUS OP-ED WRITER: Trump just went by with Stephen Miller and a mob of guys from the copy room with tiki torches, looking for the anonymous staffer. It's ok though, I put a stack of copies of Bob Woodward's new book in Steven Mnuchin's office, to throw off the scent.
ANONYMOUS OP-ED WRITER: Today Trump spoke with Benjamin Netanyahu, who mentioned how much he loves his Safta (Grandma). Trump immediately wanted to renegotiate a trade agreement with SAFTA. I had to bring Alan Dershowitz in to explain there is no such thing. I got this.
ANONYMOUS OP-ED WRITER: When President Trump is in a particularly foul mood I bring him into a false oval office, complete replica. The phones only dial an actress playing a loving Melania and the televisions only show Trump's inauguration, as if people are still broadcasting it.
ANONYMOUS OP-ED WRITER: Just made a fake book cover for a pro Trump book by Carl Bernstein called FEARLESS: THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE, with a pull quote from Lou Dobbs that reads "Real news!!". Thankfully Trump will never actually open this book. Check another one off my list.
ANONYMOUS OP-ED WRITER: Whenever President Trump walks by my desk I grab a telephone and loudly declare to nobody on the other end, "ARE YOU SURE ITS A BAD DAY TO LAUNCH OUR NUKES? RAIN CLOUDS? OH WELL. I WILL LET HIM KNOW."
ANONYMOUS OP-ED WRITER: Just intercepted Trump's special Rosh Hashanah taped message to the Jewish people. His heart was in the right place, but inviting Jason Kessler and Ann Coulter to join him in singing the Horst-Wessel-Song struck the wrong chord.
ANONYMOUS OP-ED WRITER: Trump just ordered AG Jeff Sessions to choke himself with Trump's hands. I analyzed the size of Trump's hands and have mitigated the outcome and I think I'm going to let this one play out.
ANONYMOUS OP-ED WRITER: Stopped President Trump from canceling 9/11 ceremonies. He is still convinced 7/11 is the more important date. Wants an independent study on it. Happy Friday everyone. Told you I got this.
