Thread by @jeremynewberger

Meanwhile at the National Prayer Breakfast...

TRUMP: So I says to Mark, we do the show with celebrities and we’ll get a 12 share. How beautiful is Mark’s wife? I always tell him, you better watch out, I’m gonna steal her. Such curves. Enough of the praying. Are the eggs ready?

TRUMP: Mike Pence would have wanted to be at this National Prayer Breakfast, or as he calls it, Breakfast. I sent him to Korea, to poison Kim Jong-un’s sister. Problem is he has to physically touch her to activate it so this plan might not work.

TRUMP: You hear about Rob Porter? The fake news is in a frenzy. Right Hook Rob, as I call him, is a great guy. You know who he beat out to get that job? His two wives. I’m just joking. The media can’t take a joke. You people get it. Am I right Sister? That nun she liked that one.

TRUMP: Well its an honor to speak at this National Prayer Breakfast. I know my wife Melania is pleased. She prays every day. You have never seen someone pray so much. Every time I get on a plane, a helicopter, leave the house, I see Melania praying. What is she praying for?

TRUMP: You hear we got the cake deal in our favor? No more gay cakes. Just cakes for a man and a woman. Who is better for Evangelicals than Trump? Right? Do you guys want to all touch me again? Should we do it before or after we eat? OK, we‘ll do after. More of me to pray on.

TRUMP: Somebody said ‘Hey Trump you are God.’ Maybe it’s true? I don’t know. I get better ratings. Joel Osteen liked that one! How sexy is his wife? If I had her, believe me, my eyes wouldn’t always be so squinted shut like his. Open them up Joel, she’s a fox. At least an 8.

TRUMP: Oh good, they want me to wrap this up. How about we end with a Prayer? Our Father, who art in the White House,
hallowed be my Name,
My kingdom come,
Some golf will be done,
At Mar-a-Lago as it is heaven. Good? I’m selling hats at the coat check. Fire Mueller. God bless.