Thread by @jeremynewberger

1. MATT LAUER: Welcome to BREITBART and CHICK-FIL-A's live coverage of DONALD TRUMP LIES IN STATES. We commemorate the passing of President Donald J. Trump, who passed a McDonalds this AM on the way to play golf. Joining me now, Kellyanne Conway.
KELLYANNE: Thank you Matthew.

2. MATT LAUER: Lot's of celebs paying their respect here at the Seb Gorka International Studies building, formerly the Capitol rotunda. I see Kanye!
KELLYANNE: Yay!
MATT LAUER: I think its Ye.
KELLYANNE: He loved Trump.
MATT LAUER: Wait, my bad, wrong black. Its Sheriff Clarke.

3. MATT LAUER: The President is now being carried up a flight of stairs by soldiers from the honor guard, a Class 7 Heavy Duty Crane Truck, three elephants, and the US Weightlifting Team.
KELLYANNE: He is so light.
MATT LAUER: This is the third attempt. Hopefully they make it.

4. MATT LAUER: A lot is being made of who isn't here to see TRUMP LIES IN STATES. The President, who planned this event, disinvited the entire Democratic Party, Independents, anyone on his own staff who failed to pass a loyalty test, and anyone with HBO.
KELLYANNE: All haters!

5. MATT LAUER: The President wanted to include people on both sides to lay the commemorative wreaths on his coffin.
KELLYANNE: Such a uniter.
MATT LAUER: So here is Mike Cernovich and Richard Spencer, representing both sides of the Alt-Right.

6. MATT LAUER: Looks like we have our first celebrity musical performance, of sorts, its the downloadable "Patriotic Musak MP3 file". Only music they could get license free in short notice. Let's pause for a moment to listen. Hm hm hm. Grand old flag dah dah.
KELLYANNE: Lovely.

7. MATT LAUER: Eulogy now from Florida GOP Gov primary winner, Ron DeSantis. Let's listen in.
RON DESANTIS: Trump was a man of the people. White people. He didn't monkey up this country and never Jew'd us down. He was no homo.
KELLYANNE: Such a grasp of non racial colloquialisms.

8. KELLYANNE: I must say Matthew that a lot of people don’t give this President enough credit for the amazing things he did for this country. The moat around Los Angeles, deporting J-Lo, the singing of the National Anthem every quarter at NFL games.
MATT LAUER: He left his mark.

9. MATT LAUER: My fact checker is telling me that this event has three times the amount of people as both John McCain and Aretha Franklin's.
KELLYANNE: I'm not surprised.
MATT LAUER: It doesn’t hurt that we made it mandatory, punishable by death by Erik Prince’s mercenary army.

10. MATT LAUER: Now a special guest to talk about the life and legacy of President Trump. Joining us from INFOWARS, Alex Jones.
ALEX JONES: Trump was my hero. Here's my favorite pic of us on my phone.
MATT LAUER: Is that you tonguing a trans woman?
ALEX JONES: It's a Pop-up ad!

11. MATT LAUER: Let’s go live to Vice President Mike Pence giving a touching eulogy...
MIKE PENCE: Mphmph mph mph mph mphmphmphmphmphmph!!!!
MATT LAUER: ...from inside Trump's coffin. Such devotion.
KELLYANNE: And perseverance.
MATT LAUER: Real loyalty.

12. MATT LAUER: I should say to the audience that this coffin was made from solid 14-karat Pyrite, and cost $85 billion dollars. The coffin itself was $9.99, but the kickbacks and off shore money laundering came to about $85 million.

13. MATT LAUER: As family approach the coffin to say farewell there's one more eulogy, Its Trump himself!
TRUMP: I’ll be doing this funeral thing around the country. Looking for the biggest stadiums. Buy tickets! The Fake News wont film it. SAD! No collusion! Mueller is illegal!