Thread by @chrisiousity

So, I wanted to show y'all this thread which I find exemplary of a certain type of misogyny, one that I can promise you is occurring in boardrooms, classrooms and social groups everywhere (tho not usually this obviously or in writing). It starts in an @Hbomberguy thread 1/

(apologies for re-hashing this nonsense, greater good and all that) and some guy has opinions about his channel, and I chime in along with some other peeps (everyone but me is a dude). Very soon after I enter, this weirdness occurs:

He does not respond to me, and I don't say anything more for a bit. In my experience, men often enter arguments by telling women to shut up/ go away in some fashion. Its always a bad sign. I read the notifications I am tagged in and otherwise do nothing.

He talks to the guys in the chat, and his arguments are bad, but he is completely different in tone and assertiveness with them. He isn't swearing at them or accusing them of being liars or anything like that. Then comes this next bit of weirdness:

So Dan is rightly confused why he's being praised up and down for very basic conversation skills (no offense, Dan, your arguments were sound). He points out that others were just as civil, if a bit more abrupt. But this wasn't about Dan being a normal human conversing.

This is a dude who, even though I've said nothing more to him, cannot let our brief interaction go. I called him out, sharply. I demonstrated he was wrong about something. So, passive-aggressively, he's gonna pull me back in.

I choose to take the bait here, as I hate to back down. I have a problem when it comes to men who try to shut me up. I'm working on it.
(No, I'm not.)
Anyway.

Now I'm going to point some things out here, but I want it understood I'm not trying to defend myself. I'm here to show you the mechanics in fine detail, so you will be able to identify them.

In the original argument, EVEN IF he forgot what he JUST SAID or if he thought he has said something else, there was no rational reason based in anything I said to start rambling about 'kangaroo courts' or 'citations' (?!) or telling me to fuck off. It was a clear overreaction.

Now in this last exchange, we have him on the one hand talking (again) about 'putting words in his mouth' and at the same time saying that I am upset about his attacking the quality of Hbomb's 'output', which has nothing to do with what I said at all.
Gaslighting.

So now he ignores me. Again, he doesn't respond even as he continues to respond to the men around me.
Its as if I am not even there.

I want you men to understand something. This thread has been for men.
This is a thing women experience, all the time. We speak without making a sound. We are passed over and talked around. Rudeness is not required.
We are simply erased somehow. It feels so strange.

The conversation moves on. It is about the intersections of media and politics. Now, understand about the man I am talking about. He has "egalitarian" and "equality" prominent in his name. He is upset about "sjw's" because they want a "caste system of identities".

This is a fairy tale he has been telling himself a long time.
This exchange happens.

He has gotten, to his mind, what he wants. He has already been sooo nice to the man in the chat. He has been, if unconvincing..........civil.
Do you wonder why marginalized people despise civility? Wonder no longer.
It is a stick we get beaten with all the time.

Now he has a chance to play the wounded man, kindly passing a saintly forgiveness onto a hysterical, lying woman. Who has called him out on sexism, for what? For nothing. He has done nothing.

If this were a group of friends talking about Youtube or movies, the lone woman in the group would be left, jaw dropping, feeling that 'hit-and-run', did this really just fucking happen feeling we get left with so much. She waits for the other men to notice and they don't.

Its not their fault they don't, they don't think about these things. They aren't looking for it, it was an argument and they were invested in the give and take, not looking at the overall picture. The 'framing', as @petercoffin would say.

And so she starts to doubt herself.
Did she fuck up? Was she a bitch? It must be so.
Otherwise why is she the only one who sees it? And she CAN'T speak up, now, What would she say?

It would be re-hashing an old argument that that poor man was so nice about! Making a big deal out of nothing!
Why do that?

There will now be a pause as I read my child a bedtime story. Talk among yourselves.

Back now! Rejoice!

Where was I?

Oh right.
So if I could give you a tiny portion of the self-doubt I experienced talking about this... where to start?
I KNOW I will be told: but was it reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally misogyny? Could you prove that in court beyond a reasonable doubt maybe he's just a crackpot who

hates redheads? That COULD be it.
No matter how many times you tell us you have seen this pattern. No matter how many examples you give. No matter how clear- with the 'civil' types, the passive aggressive types- there will always be a tiny drop of implausible deniability.

And that teensy-weensy drop, standing against the raging river of sexist bullshit in the world- is somehow ALWAYS more than enough.

Men, that is why I have written all this- for you! That is why I have tried so hard to make you see!
Taken this magnifying glass to this one tiny cut- because the exhaustion of women is the death of a thousand cuts. All of them tiny. All of them not worth making a big deal about.

Am I getting through?

So.
First off, thank you @badrock277 - who, the minute I alerted him to what was happening, ally'ed up. Called the dude out.

And to all the allies out there, all the men who listen and watch.
But we need so many more!
Keep your eyes out, guys, please. And of course this applies across the board,

If you are cis, watch for your trans friends.
Straight for the LGBTQIA.........SAY LGBTQIA.
(Including me).
White for PoC.
This is how the game gets played. Let's toss the board in the air and start something totally new.

Allies of all kinds, straight cis white able-bodied male..........re-tweet.

I DARE YOU.

Oops! Realized I missed this last screenshot somehow- the one where he condescends, yet kindly forgives, me. I thought I had pasted it, sorry.