Oh jesus christ, an Apple event. If I make some jokes will you promise to give to my beloved candidates?
If fitness were really at the "core of Apple watch" they would never have stopped making the solid gold model. Maybe with an osmium version for the swolest.
"Everything about Apple watch has been redesigned and re-engineered," as one does with successful products
"Now the app is available as a Watch face. With a raise of the wrist, the Watch will guide you through a deep breath. There are three variations to choose from." Those are 1) sigh of resignation, 2) convulsive sobs, 3) deflated loss of all will to go on
Can teenagers still send each other's pulse to people with this thing, changing the very way we flirt in freshman homeroom? I seem to remember a journalist writing about that.
Twin sensors on the crown and bezel can actually sense all hope leaving the user's body, and send a notification recommending another Apple product.
I like the aggro wording of this stage patter very much. "The American Heart Association is a relentless force for a world of longer, healthier lives."
You want to die? YOU DON'T GET TO DIE. You live until we say you can stop. AHA out!
You want to die? YOU DON'T GET TO DIE. You live until we say you can stop. AHA out!
"All your health and fitness data is encrypted on the device and in the cloud of servers outside your control or understanding that it automatically uploads your vital signs to 24/7"
I understand the appeal of the bigger screen and more battery life, but is this really a size people can live with? 
"We made a video about how the Apple Watch is inspiring people all around the world to be more active." Here's someone chasing a tourist for over 30 city blocks to hack it off their plump wrist.
New iPhone taunts users with its seven headphone jacks blocked by a patented titanium portcullis. Only the pure of heart can listen to music.
No.
They are bragging now on stage that you can submerge the phone for 60 minutes under two meters of beer. But blood—what about blood?
It's called the iPhone Xs Max, it's huge, and you can submerge it in beer. [wailing electric guitars play]
It has a neural engine, super retina and a "bionic" chip, so that's a sigh of relief right there. And this baby is packed with styluses.
I'm waiting to hear about the new, extra-sensitive Apple keyboards developed in cooperation with Nature Valley
Now talking about a next generation of open world role-playing games on the iPhone. Coupled with the superb stereo sound and lack of headphone jack, these will have your whole BART car rooting for your clan.
We call this new iPhone game "Williamsburg Brunch"
The new iPhone has a camera
Dual SIM thing could be legitimately useful for journalists, who can carry one secure device and have both a public and private phone number on it. A lot of journalists dual-wield phones right now, or play dangerous "DM me for Signal" games to keep from giving it out
"We now run Apple on 100% renewable energy and never stop thinking about what's best for the planet" explains Apple's refusal to pay taxes to polluting state and Federal governments.
Apple introduces mighty RECYCLOR™, the giant robot who spares your life in exchange for your old device. RECYCLOR™ runs on earth-friendly biodiesel made from Android users.
As part of its commitment to sustainability, Apple is offering its employees a studio apartment in San Francisco's hip mission district
I'm sorry, I have to go, my planet needs me. But if you want the next Apple event to be about how much the company is helping California and the country under the new, fair tax laws, please help elect a fighting progressive Congress this November: secure.actblue.com/donate/great_s…
