So I got a private message from a prominent conservative man asking for advice -- which I'm sharing here, with his permission but without attribution... and then I want to offer some thoughts but invite others to do so too! Let's call it #adviceforgoodmen
He wrote:
"Struggling with all of this. I have to say that I have serious doubts about these accusers but I've limited my criticisms because I don't want to dissuade women from coming forward by publicly blasting someone who did (even if I am struggling to believe them)...."
"Struggling with all of this. I have to say that I have serious doubts about these accusers but I've limited my criticisms because I don't want to dissuade women from coming forward by publicly blasting someone who did (even if I am struggling to believe them)...."
"... The question for me which I wish someone could write extensively about is exactly how a man deals with a situation in which he does not believe a claim without subsequently harming the many women quietly keeping abuse to themselves who may see his public doubts...."
"... You don't owe me any advice on this but I just thought I'd drop the hint that men may not deserve guidance but we do need it...."
And so... I have a few thoughts on #adviceforgoodmen but would love others to weigh in too.
And so... I have a few thoughts on #adviceforgoodmen but would love others to weigh in too.
#adviceforgoodmen 1: GOOD FOR ASKING FOR HELP! Part of misogynistic culture is that men intuitively learn how to be part of the problem but don't learn how to be part of the solution. Earnestly asking questions and wanting to help is an important place to start.
#adviceforgoodmen 2: When talking about allegations of sexual assault or harassment, acknowledge the broader context — the reality that 1 in 6 American women will be subject to rape or attempted rape in their lifetimes, 81% of women have experienced sexual harassment
Cites for last tweet npr.org/sections/thetw… and rainn.org/statistics/sco…
#adviceforgoodmen 3: If noting they're just allegations, you can also point out that the alleged behavior is HORRIFIC AND UNACCEPTABLE. Even if want to minimize the veracity of the allegations, don't minimize the severity of what's being alleged. "If this is true, it's awful"
#adviceforgoodmen 4: Focus on the accused and what he/she did or did not do, not the character, behavior, past, etc., of the accuser. Don't shame or blame the accuser. Make accusers feel safe and supported — and heroic for speaking up, because they are.
#adviceforgoodmen 5: Err on the side of support, not skepticism. We know that only 2% of rape and sexual assault claims are found to be false (the same rates as for other reported crimes) and the pressures against accusers, especially women, speaking out publicly are tremendous
#adviceforgoodmen 6: Try to take your identity off the table. If you're a guy & some guy is being accused of sexual assault, you don't have to defend him because you're a guy. BUT if you automatically defend him, THAT'S where the "all men" perception comes from — ur fanning it.
Final #adviceforgoodmen esp re Kavanaugh, is say something like this: "I don't know what actually happened and who to believe, we need to investigate and listen, but I do know what Ford and Ramirez are alleging is serious and awful and happens way to often to too many women."
That's all I've got for #adviceforgoodmen -- hope it was vaguely helpful. And a chance to say THANK YOU to the men who support survivors and stand against shaming and blaming women. Meanwhile, I'll try to follow the hashtag and post some of the other responses!
