Thread by @HNIJohnMiller

1) “No, Trudeau, you DON’T get a White House visit. I don’t give a fuck you left your moose stuffie here when you and Obama had that sleepover in 2016, you don’t get it back until you tell your trade rep to give up the milk quotas!”

2) Trump slammed the phone down on the oval office desk, motioning for Fridge Intern to hit him up with a diet coke.

“So Trudeau’s still being a whiny little shitnugget,” Rosenstein chuckled from his armchair as Trump sat down heavily on the couch.

3) “I don’t have the heart to tell him I threw that moose doll the fuck out when we did the remodeling. It was the size of an ACTUAL MOOSE. Can you imagine that shit?” Trump groaned as he pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation.

4) “So, are we good to talk about it in front of...” Rosenstein trailed off with a nod towards the fridge.

“Its Fridge Intern! That motherfucker knows everything!” Trump bellowed and laughed, Fridge Intern grinning as he poured himself and Rosenstein glasses of bourbon.

5) Rosenstein nodded. “Alright, so, our McCabe trick bought some time, but the Freedom Caucus is all over my dick trying to get me to testify.”

“Those nutcases? Yeah, there’s a reason they’re not in on the plan. Just let ‘em squeal. It’ll clear up by midterms.”

6) “So what’s happening at midterms? I can only keep up this quiet nice guy act for so long,” Rosenstein said motioning with his glass to Trump. “What’ve you got lined up?”

Trump picked up his second diet coke that Fridge Intern dropped off and chuckled. “Ever see Godfather?”

7) “Of COURSE I’ve seen Godfather you stupid fuck, what kind of question is that?”

“Fine, fine,” Trump shrugged. “Well, Feinstein just woke up with a horses head in her bed. ‘Cept instead of a horse, it was a donkey. And instead of a head, it was polling numbers.”

8) It was Rod’s turn to guffaw. “So trying to convince people Kavasaurus Rex was masterminding a gang bang ring did not work as intended?”

“It did not,” Trump replied laying his head back. “See, I learned something important in showbiz the Dems seem to have forgotten.”

9) “The hell’s that?”

“You can tell the same story a day, and it’ll be new and original,” Trump said holding a finger up. He extended a second one. “Tell the same story a week, and it’ll get stale and you need to move on.”

10) There was a long pregnant pause as Rosenstein raised an eyebrow. “If you’re waiting for me to ask what’s next, that ain’t happening asshole.”

A half smile crept up on Trump’s face. “Sorry, had to explain the concept a dozen times to Grassy Ass cause he kept interrupting me.”

11) He raised the third finger. “Tell the same story 2 weeks, and it doesn’t matter how good you write. People will tell you to shut the fuck up and move on. And if the curtain gets pulled back and your story ends up being bullshit?”

12) Rod slapped the arm of the chair excitedly. “Then the audience burns your fucking studio down.”

“See, now you’re getting it. This is why you’re over here instead of Sessions. Speaking of which, do you wanna?”

“Fucking. Yes.”

13) Jumping to action without needing a cue, Fridge Intern hurried over to the side of the Oval Office where the bust of Martin Luther King Jr rested and lifted it, the hollow bottom holding a giant bag of weed so pungent the smell seeped through the bag and filled the room.

14) Hurrying back to the center of the room, Fridge Intern retrieved his small blue glass bowl from his pocket and packed it down as Trumo and Rosenstein kept talking.

“So how’d you get Avenatti to bite like he did?” Rod asked, eyeing the bowl hungrily.

15) “Ave-natty Ice? I wanted it to be Gloria Alred that stepped up with another accuser. Bitch had this coming. I guess she and Genghis Katz don’t like sharing the spotlight.” Trump shrugged as he took the bowl and held it near his mouth. “Natty Ice is like, a bronze medal.”

16) “A bronze medal? How the fuck is he like taking bronze?”

A puff of smoke passed between the trio as Trump stifled a cough. “Cause he wasn’t good enough to win, but he still did good enough to earn a reminder that he’s a fucking disappointment.”

17) “Alright alright,” Rod said as he took the offered bowl and prepared to light it. “So what’s the next play?”

“The next play? The fuck do you think I am, some evil fucking villain about to monologue for an audience he can’t fucking see? Motherfucker, it already HAPPENED.”

18) Rod choked back the hit and coughed as he tried to gasp out, “What?”

“I’m Ozymandias up in this bitch, I fired off the plan days ago. Fridge here made a 4chan post forcing Natty Ice to reveal the accuser, let the Twitter fucks dig until they found the link to Katz,”

19) Rod recovered his breathe and asked, “Then you flooded the committee with false accusations!”

“Hell NO, the lefties did that them own dumbass selves. I didn’t have to do shit. This is ALL self inflicted.”

20) As Fridge Intern repacked the bowl, Rod raised his hand to get Trump to slow down. “Hold up hold up, the fuck do you mean self inflicted?”

“STRATEGERY, motherfucker! Dems were gonna acuse every right-of-far-left-jackass I put out there of this shit. So I let them.”

21) Rod leaned back in his chair, a confused look on his face. “You... let them?”

“Fuck yeah I did. Then when they didn’t get their way, they did it again. And again. And again. How do you keep a tactic from being used?”

22) Rod thought for a moment. “By... making it so they don’t want to use it?”

“Close,” Trump said raising his diet coke. “By making it so unpopular no one in their right mind would fucking use it. And to do that-“

23) Rod slapped the arm of the chair excitedly and bounced in his seat. “You bait them into using it over and over again until its dragged on for 2 weeks and everyone’s sick of the bullshit!”

“Exact... wait. Fridge. You alright over there?”

24) Fridge Intern’s eyes were glosses over and his cheeks were puffed out and red as he kept inhaling deep with his massive hit that he took, the weed packed in turning into a bright red mass.

Trumo leaned over and poked him in the forehead.

25) With that poke, Fridge Intern tipped backwards onto the floor, a giant jet of smoke escaping from his lips as he lay back dazed.

“Watch out. Got Mount St Fuckhead erupting here,” Rosenstein grumbled.

/end