Thread by @HNIJohnMiller

It’s the morning of Christmas Eve. This is the perfect time for me to air:

MY FESTIVUS GREIVANCES!

First off: @realDonaldTrump; you have not invited me to host your alternative to the WHCD. Disappointment fills me.

@realDonaldTrump Second, Hot Persian Women. You have not flocked to me as fast as I’d have hoped. The mullahs aren’t gone yet, so I’m willing to forgive, but as soon as they are we’re gonna polygamize on this this shit like we’re modern day Saudi royalty.

@realDonaldTrump Third, GOD. Where’s my horse, bitch?!

@realDonaldTrump Fourth, @SethAbramson. My vengeance is still sitting patiently waiting for the moment of my choosing to wreck havoc upon your Twitter feed.

@realDonaldTrump @SethAbramson Fifth, my cat Ollie. Ollie, you’re a buttnugget.

@realDonaldTrump @SethAbramson And he’s a double dickface. Look at him. He literally has 2 dicks on his face.

@realDonaldTrump @SethAbramson Sixth, MYRAH. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

@realDonaldTrump @SethAbramson Seventh, Twitter. Not the company. No, I mean all of you. I quit for a month because I was tired of the panic. Tired of the hyperbole. Tired of the fucking grandstanding.

@realDonaldTrump @SethAbramson Twitter the company gets a greivance too for being an Orwellian shitshow. But seriously. People. How many times do you have to fall for bullshit headlines before you realize that they’re all just there to make you panic?

@realDonaldTrump @SethAbramson The news is no longer there to inform you. No news is there to inform you. The news is there to scare you. To gaslight you. We’ve known this for decades, every time the news fixates on some tragedy or another.

@realDonaldTrump @SethAbramson So, next time you hear some new bombshell headline... just call bullshit right away. Call #fudgerule. Call #FYF, ie FUCK YOUR FEAR.

@realDonaldTrump @SethAbramson Because, the big secret? The REALLY BIG SECRET? The one thing I learned from when I had contacts in the banana news network?

@realDonaldTrump @SethAbramson They know just as much as the rest of us. That is to say, they know jack diddly fuck all.

The difference is they have a bigger loudspeaker to pretend they know shit.

@realDonaldTrump @SethAbramson I will be the first to tell you I have no earthly idea wtf is happening. I’m a drunk asshole on Twitter. I’m the guy that is given bourbon for company secret santas (I am aware this was a bribe for me to prioritize certain checks. Bribe accepted)

@realDonaldTrump @SethAbramson But I can logic a few things out. I am pretty good at retaining information and spotting patterns. So, I’ll focus on that.

What I will never to is try to scare you or try to pretend I have access to secret information you dont have access to. Except in parody. CUNT will return.

@realDonaldTrump @SethAbramson In the meantime, I have more driving to do and more bourbon to drink. Enjoy the holidays, because Trump gave us the greatest gift of all:

A weaponized government shutdown.

I might cover my thoughts on that over at quodverum.com (I will write more there, been busy.) /e