nothing I've done in the last year has been free of the taint of permanent anger that I have to be employed and every week it gets harder to exert any effort to stay that way. I have no idea how to survive this
I'm not speaking of self harm, I'm just saying I'm surviving on inertia. I don't know how to care about losing my job or getting a new one or doing the things necessary to stand out and survive when you don't have a college degree and can't program
I ruined myself for capitalism and every day I believe my own propaganda more. I don't have the resources to quit working or even exit the tech sector, in which I'm basically unemployable unless I lie about my qualifications and then strive hard to conceal the lie
I have no future unless I throw myself hard into work, unless I'm Passionate. are you fucking joking, I hate everything about work and nobody is getting my "passion" ever again. I don't know what that means for me
I have one of those white guy scumbag lives where I clap you on the back and say "I started out with nothing more than you have and I made it work" except I didn't, I didn't make it work. I struggled to where I am and ran out of steam
there's no lesson here. I don't know what to do. if I had the energy to work for political change maybe I'd do it but if I had that energy I wouldn't be complaining like this about work.
I don't want a solution. I don't want a clever thought about how to get a better or easier job. I want no job, I don't want to work and I will never, ever, in my life, go to work and not hate every second of it
I have not been to work in ten days because I had the PTO hours to take that time off to deal with family issues in California. it was not fun, but it was life
it was miserable, but it was my time. they were my hours to waste and I did waste many. I also worked vigorously at times. what I didn't do was burn 100% of my energy for ten hours every day to amount to nothing so someone else could profit
ten hours, not eight. the forty hour work week is a myth unless you live across the street from work. I spend nearly two hours in transit every day. that's time I'm not paid for that I can't use.
being paid for it wouldn't do jack shit to alleviate this but we should at least be honest, we all work ten hour days at a minimum
this isn't going anywhere. I don't want to work. not ever again. nothing else will ever make me happy. i will be miserable until I no longer have a job and never intend to have one again.
i have no advice or insight. I hate my life and I see no path to improve it without becoming some silicon valley profiteer and screwing over a bunch of people to become rich. i see no other exit, ever.
hatred for this endless living hell is consuming my entire life. it never ends. I don't have thoughts other than hating work.
my personality is being smothered completely by the inability to ignore what is being done to me and I can't in good faith and morals try to change it
I don't want to hate it less. it's *wrong* to hate it less. i have a moral and personal imperative to hate it as much as i possibly can and i will never forget it.
i used to think i was depressed until i realized i had anxiety. the distinction is crucial. then i thought I needed the anxiety cured, but after a year of that i concluded that the anxiety wasn't wrong
feeling crushing chest pain every single time I step into my workplace is normal. it's not a disorder, it's normal. it's normal to hate imprisonment. "fixing" this with drugs won't work and if it did it would be immoral
i can't configure my brain to think it's a good idea to crush the feelings of despair and dread that going to work gives me. it literally cause all the muscles in my body to tense up for nine hours a day, and my only response now is "understandable"
I am being locked in a room for nine hours. I can't leave. panic is the right response.
i don't want my pain taken away, i need my pain
