Today’s train is filled with old people who have a lot of complaints about problems they are making for themselves. I haven’t read any of my book because they are providing such amazing entertainment.
#traintweets
#traintweets
First, we have Madame Seat-Hopper. I knew we were in for fun during boarding, when she said “oh, I don’t like this seat. I’ll just sit over there” and picked a different one. She had to move when the seat-owner arrived two minutes later. Harrumphing ensued —
“Why don’t YOU just pick a different seat?” she challenged the ticket holder. Ticket holder stared her down until she got up and chose another different seat.
First stop, new people board. She’s in their group seat for their family of four. She harrumphs and chooses another.
First stop, new people board. She’s in their group seat for their family of four. She harrumphs and chooses another.
Second stop, same story. She’s in someone else’s seat.
Third stop, same story.
Fourth stop, she yells “I have been moved five times now, this is unacceptable!”
The crew explain to her that the train is sold out, any seat other than the one on her ticket will be occupied.
Third stop, same story.
Fourth stop, she yells “I have been moved five times now, this is unacceptable!”
The crew explain to her that the train is sold out, any seat other than the one on her ticket will be occupied.
The crew start working with her to try to resolve what she doesn’t like about her assigned seat. Turns out, she doesn’t like her seat-mate.
Her seat-mate is her husband.
She’s mad at him for something.
That poor man.
Her seat-mate is her husband.
She’s mad at him for something.
That poor man.
I am. I had almost forgotten about the angry man at the front of the boarding line. They called for business class tickets and us fancy bastards walked out of the business lounge and past the line to board.
“HEY, why do they get to go on first?” he yelled.
“HEY, why do they get to go on first?” he yelled.
The ticket check person said, “we board business class, families with children, and rewards members first” and he yelled back “BUT THEY’LL TAKE ALL THE GOOD SEATS! I have been lined up here for three hours to get the best seat! This is UNFAIR!”
The gate attendant gently explained that all seats are pre-assigned, that his is written on his ticket. He is very mad that he spent so long in the line for nothing.
His biggest concern, though, was that if all the seats in car 1 were taken, how will he get a lunch?
“There will be a menu in your seat-back, sir, with a variety of items that you can order.”
“You mean I pay for the ticket AND pay for the food?!”
“There will be a menu in your seat-back, sir, with a variety of items that you can order.”
“You mean I pay for the ticket AND pay for the food?!”
But this one is my favourite.
There is a gentleman who is unhappy that his seat-mate will not talk to him because she is working on her computer. She has been polite but firm, saying things like, “I’m sorry, I need this time to finish my work.”
This is apparently unacceptable.
There is a gentleman who is unhappy that his seat-mate will not talk to him because she is working on her computer. She has been polite but firm, saying things like, “I’m sorry, I need this time to finish my work.”
This is apparently unacceptable.
“Are you a student?” he asks her.
“No, I’m a lawyer,” she replies.
“No, I’m a lawyer,” she replies.
Since he is not taking the hint, she has put on a pair of cancelling headphones.
Yeah I actually did a spit take when she said it and got Caesar all over my phone.
He is sulking. When the attendants ask if he wants anything, he refuses. He’s just staring straight ahead.
He refused lunch.
Finally on one of the drink cart passes when the attendant asks him “do you need anything” he angrily explains that this is a long train ride and he needs someone to talk to and this is unacceptable and he can’t afford an iPad “like all these other people”.
THE GODDAMN LIBRARY IS FREE
YES
I was considering this suggestion, though I would be deprived of the drama unfolding in front of me.
Someone tried to give him a newspaper. Bad play, he’s mad at them now, it’s not the paper he prefers to read.
He is hungry now and wants his lunch. But unfortunately since everyone already chose before him his only option is the cold chicken plate.
The cold chicken plate is a travesty, apparently. (I thought it was pretty great.)
The cold chicken plate is a travesty, apparently. (I thought it was pretty great.)
I have been on this train for two hours now and this has been the fastest two hours of my entire life.
He is now telling the attempted newspaper donor a story about how his ex wife caused him to have an aneurysm oh my god
I usually take the late train after work. An hour ago I was thinking “I’ll never take a daytime train again” but now I’m thinking I should always take the daytime train.
I’m covering my hysterical laughter with coughing, which also is earning me dirty looks.
He is upset because the train has slowed. “We are already late, this is making us later!”
Annoucement over the PA: “We are travelling at a reduced speed because we are ahead of schedule and could cause a conflict at the next station”
He’s staring straight ahead, fuming again.
Annoucement over the PA: “We are travelling at a reduced speed because we are ahead of schedule and could cause a conflict at the next station”
He’s staring straight ahead, fuming again.
Ok, plot twist time.
Grumbles was having a nap when his phone rang. He had a short, snappish conversation where he explained that the caller, Barbara, had woken him up, and how rude it is to take phone calls on trains, and how late we are. “Yes, you’ll have to pick me up at least half an hour later.”
So first of all, even though our train is running early he is going to wait around at a train station out of spite.
But here is the part that floored me.
When he was done with his call he started to play some kind of video game on his phone.
His entire hour long tantrum has been based on a lie.
His entire hour long tantrum has been based on a lie.
So Mr Grumbles just got off the train. This is his station. We are here ten minutes early. Barbara will be coming for him 40 minutes from now.
I picture him sitting in the station chairs, staring straight ahead and fuming the whole time.
I picture him sitting in the station chairs, staring straight ahead and fuming the whole time.
Meanwhile, the second he was out of the seat the lawyer flipped up the seat divider and went into total relaxation mode, well deserved.
Today’s drama has reminded me of my favourite local newspaper article of all time, a stunning self-own that starts off hyperbolic but with a decent point and ends with astonishing entitlement. I would believe it was parody if I hadn’t met the author. ottawacitizen.com/opinion/column…
The drink cart immediately trundled up and out came the wine.
Well, I had three plans for how to spend my 4.5 hour train ride and this blew up all of them, but I’m going to sign off for a bit and listen to @KKUNIKO’s new record.
Thanks for joining me on this epic adventure.
Thanks for joining me on this epic adventure.
My first book, a Field Guide To @EffinBirds, is coming out next year and I expect all of you to buy it. Pre-order it here unbound.com/books/effin-bi… and get an autographed bookplate.
