Thread by @ClaireBerlinski

So I had a really nice conversation with a woman named Anna who works for @Patreon the other day. Super-helpful. She told me that according to their research, I should mention my Patreon account incessantly. patreon.com/ClaireBerlinski

"But won't this drive people nuts?" I said.
"That's what everyone says to us!" She explains. But no, apparently, according to their research--and it sounds like they've *really* studied it*--you people have the attention span of gnats--

--and the chances of any one of you seeing any given plea for money is actually quite small. Most of my followers, it seems, don't read a word I write; the whole thing is a big scam: Twitter makes it seem as if more people are paying attention to me than they really are.

"So ask away," she said. If modesty prevents me from asking every five minutes, I should strive to ask at least once a day.

Also, she said, I should ask for more modest amounts of money, because saying that I'd like you to donate five million dollars--

--so I can flee to Bora Bora and never be heard from again--might "intimidate" people who would otherwise be willing to pitch in a buck or two. That sounds reasonable. So ignore that request on my page (I'll be changing it soon).

I'm only asking for a buck, but from five million people.

I really liked Anna. She seemed not only as if she really cared about my success, but as if she and her team had *really* given it thought and knew exactly how to make this work for me.

And that makes sense, because that's their business model, right? You support me, they take a cut, and they don't have to do anything creative: They just have to do the stuff I *hate,* which is figuring out how to sell my work.

So ... if it will annoy you to see me flogging my patreon.com/ClaireBerlinski account every ever-loving minute of the day, let me know: I'll tell Anna, and they can use that information to give people better advice. Otherwise, I'll assume she's right.

Oh! Also, she said I should explain was @Patreon is, because apparently they're not that well known yet. Patreon is a site that lets you support me, in any amount you like, in exchange for which I'll do my thing, which is writing stuff like this: claireberlinski.pressfolios.com.

I may put more specific information on that page: Such as, for example, if I reach x number of Patrons I'll publish a book (one that I just happen to have written, but it needs proofreading so I haven't published it yet) about our year-long sex panic.

The only person who's read it yet is my Pop, who's not exactly an impartial reviewer, but he's actually perfectly willing to tell me when what I've written is crap. I sent it to him last night, asking what he thought I should do with it:

He replied: "You've written 27,000 brilliant, white-hot words. No one else is saying anything like it. Why in God's name are you not making this into a book? If those dimmer-than-shit editors don't realize what you've got in this, publish it yourself. Do it now."

He added, "Get busy. Do something. Anything." So that's the plan: I think it needs another 27,000 brilliant, white-hot words--there's still so much more to say--and then it needs proofreading. And then, if enough of you become my Patrons, I'll publish it for you, my Patrons.

But what about your other book, Claire? The one you're writing about politics in the age of Trump? The one we keep sending you money on gofundme.com/braveoldworld to finish? Yep. Working on it. I should not have undertaken to write about current events while they're happening.

Draft after draft has been torn up and rewritten. Just OTE immediately. I keep waking up and finding out my most recent draft has been rolled over by the daily news tank. But trust me, I have lots to say, and you'll hear me say it.

I just don't want the book to disappear after all this labor because it already seems so last-year. So: I'm hard at work.

PS: To those of you asking why you haven't heard from me lately--if you've read so far. You sent me money so I could write.

Do you know how guilty I'd feel if I took your money and did nothing useful with it? If I'm not chatting with you on Twitter or sending you e-mails, it's because I took your money and you rightly expect me to be *writing* something. And not a Tweet, either.

You either get what you paid for or you get me procrastinating and screwing around on Twitter. If you see me doing the latter, you have every right to say, "What the hell, Claire? Go back to work."

And no, obviously, I'm *not* offended with you. You didn't say anything wrong. In fact, you said something that you trusted me to write things worthy of your hard-earned cash. So that's what I'm trying to do. It won't happen, though, if I spend too many long mornings on Twitter.

So, once again, that's patreon.com/ClaireBerlinski, and don't be intimidated, I don't really expect anyone to give me five million dollars; that's sort of a joke. But if you want to, don't hesitate: I won't really disappear with it and never write anything again.

I'd just feel too guilty. I mean, I feel guilty just for spending the past eight minutes on Twitter when three Patrons are already waiting for me to please them by churning out books, screenplays, speeches, epic poetry, limericks, haiku, tersa rima, ballads, sonnets--

motivational speeches, biographies, histories, autobiographies, memoirs, declarations of war, and funeral orations. If you'd like me to write yours (your funeral oration, that is, this is where to go: patreon.com/ClaireBerlinski

How's that, Anna?