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John Bull @garius
, 19 tweets, 4 min read Read on Twitter
MAY: Anything in the morning papers?
LIDINGTON: Rees-Mogg says the ERG have almost got enough letters in
MAY: Ha! He said that on Friday too. Have you ever been to an ERG meeting?
LIDINGTON: God no
MAY: It's like someone injected liquefied YouTube comments into some ham
<At the ERG>

FIELD: ...And that's why Doctor Who should go back to being a man
REES-MOGG: Thank you Mark. Most enlightening. Next up Christopher Chope
CHOPE: It's time we had International Men's Day...
GOVE: ThErE aLReadY is OnE
CHOPE: Sorry what?
GOVE: nO ReALLY. iT's toDaY
GOVE: InTERNatIONal MeN'S dAY iS tODay
CHOPE: Must be new!
GOVE: iT's BEen ArOuND siNCE 1992
REES-MOGG: Good work all! Definitely new!
GOVE: iS mY HuMAn vOICE nOt wORKing? I sAId 1992
REES-MOGG: Well this is a bloody big victory for ERG political pressure!
GOVE: iS ThIS ThINg oN?
REES-MOGG: Okay, I know you're all keen to head off and celebrate the new International Men's Day
GOVE <aside>: wHIch is nOt neW
REES-MOGG: But PLEASE don't forget to put your letters! Hands up everyone who has done so... Oh Chris.
CHOPE: Sorry Moggy
REES-MOGG: Do it today please
REMINDER: This thread is a continuation of the Brexit coverage that starts here:
<back at Number 10>

MAY: So I think today we come out on the attack
LIDINGTON: Emphasise the problems of a no-deal? People's unrealistic expectations around Brexit? The value of compromise? I like it
MAY: I was just going to wail on immigrants for a bit
LIDINGTON: That works too
LIDINGTON: Greg Clark's now suggesting we extend the transition period to 2022
MAY: Isn't that just punting all these issues into the future?
LIDINGTON: Yep. Punts them beyond the next election.
MAY: Oooh. Good point.
BRIEF INTERMISSION: Don't forget, if you like this stuff you can buy me a coffee!

More caffeine = more creativity = more GoveThulu. #addict

ko-fi.com/garius
LIDINGTON: London just scrapped those ridiculous water cannons Boris bought.
MAY: Oh god! I remember those. Speaking off: where has he been the last few days?! I hate it when he's suspiciously quiet.
LIDINGTON: It means he's either plotting or shagging.
MAY: Possibly both.
<The ERG>

REES-MOGG: Chaps! Some of you STILL need to put your letters in
CHOPE: Yes Moggy
REES-MOGG: And
NICE LADY <interrupts>: Hello? Sorry. We've got the room for Parents & Toddlers
REES-MOGG: Dear lady! The fate of the country is at stake!
NICE-LADY: Then next time book it
REES-MOGG: The TYRANNY of the REMAINER Cabinet must end! SOVEREIGNTY must return to this Sceptered Isle! Our BORDERS must be secured!
MUFFLED VOICE: Sir this is a McDonalds Drive Thru. You can't park here.
REES-MOGG: INFAMY!
GOVE: I tHInK TheREs a CoSTA CoFFEe rOUnd tHe CoRNeR
<In Costa>

REES-MOGG: May will fear our...
CHOPE: Moggy I don't think this is real china
REES-MOGG: INFAMY!
FIELD: Moggy! A woman's breastfeeding!
REES-MOGG: HORROR!
BAKER: Who are all these lone men with laptops? Moggy! They're MI5!
REES-MOGG: OUTRAGE!
GOVE: ThIS iS sO MuCH FuN
<In the lift>

HAMMOND: How was ERG?
GOVE: a wASTeLaND oF ToXIc mASCuLiNitY AnD PriVIleGE, tINGeD wITh zEOlotRY aND mADNess
STEPHEN: Sounds awful. Why go?
GOVE: eRm, eLdriTCH hOrRor. HaVe WE mEt?
HAMMOND: New Brexit Minister
GOVE: oH DeAr
STEPHEN: Why do people keep saying that?
HAMMOND: Simon, before we go in
STEPHEN: It's Stephen
HAMMOND: Whatevs. I'll learn it if you last out the week. Anyway, I bought you a present
STEPHEN: Um. It's a shirt. Thanks? It's quite bright
HAMMOND: Wear it to Cabinet. It's a tradition for Brexit Ministers
STEPHEN: Um. Okay
MAY: Okay. First up today...
GRAYLING: Miss! I have a question!
MAY: ...there's no pizza Chris
GRAYLING: Shit
MAY: This Brexit deal is the best... oh COME ON.
CABINET: <sniggers>
MAY: Who put Stephen in a red shirt?
<tony hart gallery music>

don't forget! you can buy me coffee! ko-fi.com/garius

</end thgm>
REES-MOGG: How many letters now?!
BRADY: 27
REES-MOGG: Oh.
BRADY: Wait... 26. I'm pretty certain Grant Shapps put two in.
REES-MOGG: Could you recount?
BRADY: What? In case I've missed TEN?
REES-MOGG: But everyone promised...
BRADY: Jacob, have you thought about getting a hobby?
REES-MOGG: So that's the state of affairs chaps. Bit dizzo.
CHOPE: Chin up Moggy!
REES-MOGG: Indeed. We won on creating International Men's Day!
GOVE: oH fOR gOd SAke
REES-MOGG: And we'll win here!
ERG: HURRAH!
REES-MOGG: Because we have a secret weapon: The Pamphlet!
ERG: ooOh!
AND WE'RE OFF AGAIN! New thread here:
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More from @garius see all

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REPORTER: What do you say to suggestions this NHS plan is unfunded?
MAY: I'll leave that to Phil to... Phil..? David?!

<on the A256>

HAMMOND: Where the FUCK did all these lorries come from?
STEPHEN: You said this would be a quick booze cruise!
LIDINGTON: She's going to kill us
STEPHEN: It's 8am. Why is there a lorry jam?!
LIDINGTON: I'm driving try calling her
HAMMOND: No signal. How does ANYONE live outside the M25?
STEPHEN: I'm on the edge of signal
HAMMOND: One bar?
STEPHEN: No it says edge
HAMMOND: That's not what it means
LIDINGTON: Just RING HER
STEPHEN: Lost signal
LIDINGTON: Where did the lorries come from?!
HAMMOND: Check the SatNav
LIDINGTON: I don't have one
HAMMOND: What?!
LIDINGTON: This is a 1991 Volvo 240 Phil. It is a classic
HAMMOND: FFS
LIDINGTON: You weren't moaning at Calais BeerMart
HAMMOND: Meh. Hatchback
Read 18 tweets
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Okay. So you're all going to have to massively ignore me for a second. Because I am about to fanboy the SHIT out.

And it is about an amazing writer who got a stubborn little kid (me) who is now a writer (still me) to read.
So when I was a kid, I used to love TV, particularly scifi and cartoons. Basically anything with a plot.

But I wasn't big on reading. That was meh.

Then my mum introduced me to Doctor Who novelisations at about age nine. And I DEMOLISHED them. But that was ALL I would read
I think I LOVED the stories, but I was still not that fussed about reading. Because it felt like extra effort. I mean, why not just WATCH them if you can instead?

But then my teacher said: "oh you like Doctor Who. Did you know we have Star Trek books in the school library?"
Read 9 tweets
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JAVID: Welcome to COBRA. I'd like to introduce Sgt Gary, our Gold Commander for the current immigration crisis
SGT GARY: Sir. What's the scale of the problem?
JAVID: 9
SGT GARY: Blimey! 900?
JAVID: No, 9
SGT GARY:
JAVID:
SGT GARY: Are you worried they can't field a full eleven?
JAVID: I think we can agree that this is an immigration crisis of unparalleled proportions. Tough action is called for!
SGT GARY: Are we still talking about NINE people?
JAVID: I have a note here that another four have turned up
SGT GARY: Well at least they have a subs bench now
JAVID: This is a threat to our national security
SGT GARY: 13 desperate people in a dinghy?
JAVID: They're in Folkestone! There's a nuclear power station!
SGT GARY: And also a really nice miniature railway. You think they're after that too?
JAVID: Oh no!
SGT GARY: I was JOKING
Read 10 tweets

Related threads

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1) Thread - Leavers "bored with the details" on #Brexit
Fascinating poll which reveals 66% of Leave Voters are uninterested in exactly how we leave the EU, they just want to leave. This brings into question - exactly *what* are we achieving pushing for Brexit?
#Lab18
2) the main point here is that only 1/6 of the country, at most, actually care whether we leave on WTO terms or Norway+Single Market or anything in between. The rest either want to Remain or are uninterested in the details of leaving. This leads to several conclusions
3) Firstly, no-one, least of all Rees-Mogg & the ERG, speaks for everyone or even a majority of Leavers.

When various right wing commentators say "give us the #Brexit we voted for" or push for no deal, they speak for almost no-one but themselves

No deal has very little support
Read 11 tweets
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Top story on @SkyNews this morning: Tories openly discussing ousting May at an ERG meeting last night: Brexiteers clearly split between those who want a true Brexiteer in power (some Johnson supporters and those who want to chuck Chequers not here (the @DavidDavisMP camp)
But have they got the numbers? Could get the 48 letters into the 1922 chair to trigger a confidence vote, but No 10 sources say May will stay and fight......
Once confidence vote triggered, half the parliamentary party (near 160 MPs) would have to vote against her to force a leadership bid. No 10 sources clear she won’t stand down unless she loses a confidence vote. So there simply aren’t the numbers to force her out, yet.....
Read 6 tweets
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So let me get this straight: Jacob Rees-Mogg, apparently so appealing that he's a plausible candidate for PM wrote in a letter to @Andrew_Adonis that ‘I do not believe there should be any special terms for EU migrants,’ 1/
And Rees-Mogg also wrote, 'Once we have left the EU there will be no legal basis to treat them differently from migrants from non-EU countries'. Now what would concretely happen if this were actual UK policy (e.g., in the absence of a deal) 2/
It would be absolute chaos. Millions of people would not be qualified to stay either because they earn less than 36k or their British spouse earns less than £18,600. Those people would then concretely be asked to leave the UK.
If they did not they'd be detained or deported 3/
Read 12 tweets
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OI!! @LiamFox, STOP LYING!!
A Northern Irish MP just pointed out that the new #TradeBill will create a border in Northern Ireland. Fox said that it included a proposal to avoid that. Yeah, but Jacob Rees-Mogg's amendment makes it impossible for the EU to accept it!!!!
Explanation:
#TradeBill had a customs arrangement whereby the UK would collect tariffs on behalf of the EU so there wouldn't need to be a hard border in Northern Ireland thus protecting the Good Friday Agreement. The Mogg amendment says the EU must do it for the UK too or no deal
The EU has already said no to that. So Jacob Rees-Mogg and his ERG extremists have just put a poisoned pill in the #TradeBill which not only pushes us towards No Deal, but threatens to rip up the Good Friday Agreement.
Read 3 tweets
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David Davis, Liam Fox and Boris Johnson arrive at Chequers for Brexit away-day meeting.
Theresa May heads to Chequers for Brexit away-day meeting.
Jacob Rees-Mogg arrives at Chequers - uninvited - to explain his no-deal Brexit solution through the medium of performance art.

Read 6 tweets
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NEW: Dominic Grieve’s ‘meaningful vote’ amendment as tabled in the Lords by Lord Hailsham. Be in no doubt- if the Govt renege on their promise to adopt its principles, this will pass in the Lords on Monday and we’ll have the numbers to pass it in the Commons afterwards #Simples
What is going on is very straightforward: the hard right of the Tory party want the Govt to have a passport to crash out of the EU with no deal if Parliament rejects the Brexit deal - the PM, their hostage, doesn’t have the numbers in the Commons for this #EUWithdrawalBill
A prediction for next week: if he hasn’t already done so, Brexit Secretary @DavidDavisMP will threaten to resign if the PM gives in to the Tory rebels and accepts the UK cannot crash out of the EU with no deal unless Parliament approves it #EUWithdrawalBill
Read 5 tweets

Trending hashtags

#EndGunViolence #tribulation #NeverAgain #BrexitChaos #PoshTrump #ENOUGH #ohnohedidnt #Brexit #God #FridayMotivation #hometomoat #Jesus #TrumpTrain #Friday #lexit #TheresaMay #Enough #ERG #Trump #friday #VoteForOurLives #lexot #fakenews #HolySpirit #healthtech

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