Thread by @garius

REPORTER: What do you say to suggestions this NHS plan is unfunded?
MAY: I'll leave that to Phil to... Phil..? David?!

<on the A256>

HAMMOND: Where the FUCK did all these lorries come from?
STEPHEN: You said this would be a quick booze cruise!
LIDINGTON: She's going to kill us

STEPHEN: It's 8am. Why is there a lorry jam?!
LIDINGTON: I'm driving try calling her
HAMMOND: No signal. How does ANYONE live outside the M25?
STEPHEN: I'm on the edge of signal
HAMMOND: One bar?
STEPHEN: No it says edge
HAMMOND: That's not what it means
LIDINGTON: Just RING HER

STEPHEN: Lost signal
LIDINGTON: Where did the lorries come from?!
HAMMOND: Check the SatNav
LIDINGTON: I don't have one
HAMMOND: What?!
LIDINGTON: This is a 1991 Volvo 240 Phil. It is a classic
HAMMOND: FFS
LIDINGTON: You weren't moaning at Calais BeerMart
HAMMOND: Meh. Hatchback

REPORTER: Prime Minister, will you answer the question? Is this NHS plan unfunded?
MAY <aside>: Where in God's name are Phil and David?!
SPAD: We don't know
REPORTER: Prime Minister?
MAY: Find. Them.
REPORTER: Prime Minister!
MAY: Um...
REPORTER:
MAY: Brexit means Brexit?

HAMMOND: Try the radio for traffic news
LIDINGTON: OK
RADIO 4: Next Brexit Minster Kwasi Kwarteng
HAMMOND: Aren't you Brexit Minister?
STEPHEN: There's more than one of us
HAMMOND:
STEPHEN: We're very busy!

<yesterday>

KWARTENG: Boris. Davis. Redwood
STEPHEN: Avoid. Snog. Marry

MAY: What am I meant to do now?!
SPAD: It's fine Ma'am. It's a hospital visit. It's low key. Just talk to people. Be human.
MAY:
SPAD:
MAY: I'm sorry. I thought you were going to explain how.
SPAD: Ma'am?
MAY: God DAMNIT. WHERE IS DAVID?!

HAMMOND: Look it's been 40 minutes now and this lane is barely moving. Just pull out
LIDINGTON: No. It's bad road etiquette
HAMMOND: But that lane is moving! Oh MY GOD you are such a Volvo driver
STEPHEN: Oh Jesus. I think I'm going to be sick
LIDINGTON/HAMMOND: NOT ON THE SEATS!

STEPHEN: Why aren't we moving?!
LIDINGTON: Hang on. Someone is coming up on a scooter.
HAMMOND: And?
LIDINGTON: They've got a hi-vis jacket on. Maybe they know what's... oh no.
HAMMOND: What?
LIDINGTON: It can't be...
HAMMOND: David... I swear to God. What?!
GRAYLING: Hello!

MAY: How am I doing?
SPAD: Fine, it's just...
MAY: What?
SPAD: Maybe use the word 'fleshlings' less?
MAY: But those babies were fleshy. I'm trying to be 'cute'.
SPAD: It makes you sound like a Martian.
MAY: What?!
SPADS: Let's... let's just focus on talking to some adults

GRAYLING: Like my hi-vis?
LIDINGTON: What's going on?
GRAYLING: Dunquack practice. Lorry section
HAMMOND: We're stuck in traffic because you're playing Smokey and the Brexit?!
LIDINGTON: Ha! Or Utter Convoy
STEPHEN: Hey
GRAYLING: Fair. Boris has turned up in a weird hippy sex bus

MAY: And how do you like being a nurse?
NHS WOMAN: I'm not a nurse
MAY: Sorry! I meant a doctor!
NHS: WOMAN: I'm a radiologist. Why do Tories always assume EVERYONE in the NHS is a nurse or a doctor? It's like your entire NHS understanding comes from watching The Royal on UK Gold

MAY: How do YOU like being a nurse then?
NHS WOMAN #2: Clinical Biochemist
MAY: And how
NHS WOMAN #3: Biomedical Scientist
MAY: Is that the same?
BOTH <frostily>: No
MAY: Ooohkay how do you like being a Doctor?
NHS MAN: Sexist. I'm a nurse
MAY: Oh COME ON
SPAD: Maybe we should go

LIDINGTON: What is going on with the lorries?
GRAYLING: Cunning plan
HAMMOND: Oh do tell
GRAYLING: Scare the Euzzy wuzzies. They'll see how ready we are for Brexit. Come back to the table!
LIDINGTON: Because you caused a big traffic jam?
HAMMOND: In our own country
GRAYLING: Yup!

HAMMOND: Exactly how BIG is this traffic jam?
GRAYLING: Well I wanted to demonstrate the full stretch to Dover. 4,000 lorries!
LIDINGTON: You've got 4,000 lorries?!
GRAYLING: Oh God no. I invited 150
HAMMOND: 150?!
GRAYLING: Well only 88 showed up. And Boris in his weird sex bus.

LIDINGTON: So we're stuck on the A256 playing Smokey and the Brexit so you can prove a point?!
GRAYLING: Wonderful isn't it! Though you're not really stuck
HAMMOND: What?
GRAYLING: You're only 4 lorries back. You could overtake
HAMMOND: I fucking TOLD you! FUCKING Volvo drivers!

GRAYLING: Hang around for the finale! We're going to do laps of an airport! Toot the big horns!
HAMMOND: I swear to God
LIDINGTON: We're fine Chris. We've got to go

<pulls off>

GRAYLING: Shame

<clicks CB>

GRAYLING: Doggies, this is Pappa Ducky. Let's form ourselves a convoy.

OMG COFFEEEEE! If you like these Brexit Adventures (because it's better than crying) then you can buy me a coffee if you like here, It's cool if you don't though. We're still friends

ko-fi.com/garius

And if you're looking for more they start here:

https://twitter.com/garius/status/1062983853260918784

SIDENOTE: Yes I know NOW that radiologists are technically doctors. I meant radiographers. Stupid Twitter with no edits.

If you're a radiologist or radiographer who has been affected by this. or other gross miscasting, then you can find a help number at the end of this thread.