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John Bull @garius
, 11 tweets, 3 min read Read on Twitter
MAY: Ah! You're reading the Declaration! Thoughts?
LIDINGTON: Well it doesn't really say or promise anything does it?
MAY: Thanks!
LIDINGTON: Though I see technology is solving the Irish border again
MAY: About that. I need you to find us a software developer
LIDINGTON: A what?
LIDINGTON: So it says here that you do Java, C++ and .Net?
DEVELOPER:
LIDINGTON: I'm a bit of a computer whizz myself! Excel Macros. Some HTML. I did a course once.
DEVELOPER:
LIDINGTON: Ahem. Anyway. question one: "How would you secure the Irish border?"
DEVELOPER: Sorry, what?
LIDINGTON: No need for specifics. Just tell me how long and how much to secure the Irish border
DEVELOPER: But... I mean I need more information than that to scope this
LIDINGTON: No problem. I've got a name and a logo.
DEVELOPER:
LIDINGTON: I can also tell you what I DON'T like.
DEVELOPER: That's not how this works! I can build something to implement a business process, but...
LIDINGTON: Easy tiger! I'm not asking for details. I just want a technical solution to the Irish border, I don't need to know the specifics
DEVELOPER: I NEED TO KNOW THE SPECIFICS
LIDINGTON: Just give me a ballpark figure
DEVELOPER: You haven't defined the problem!
LIDINGTON: The problem is the Irish border
DEVELOPER: But what's the BUSINESS PROCESS to implement
LIDINGTON: Technology replaces that
DEVELOPER: IT DOESN'T!
LIDINGTON: Also can we blockchain?
LIDINGTON: Look, I just need a quote for the Irish border. I've given you some ideas and a logo
DEVELOPER: That's not enough!
LIDINGTON: Oh also, we don't have a big budget. It'll be great exposure though. I'll recommend you to people
DEVELOPER:
LIDINGTON: And we need it by March
MAY: How did it go?
LIDINGTON: Not good. Kept whining about processes and workflows.
MAY: Bloody techies. This is why I hate small development firms. Too many questions
LIDINGTON: I know
MAY: Guess it's time to ring round the regulars?
LIDINGTON: Righto. I'll give Capita a shout.
LIDINGTON <on phone>: Hello, so we have an IT project and...
CAPITA GUY: It wILl bE 39 bILLiOn aNd wE cAn DeLIvEr tO ThAT deADliNE
LIDINGTON: Oh great that's... wait! I haven't told you what we need yet?!
CAPITA GUY: oH gOd I fORgot. SoRRy yES. YoU gO FiRSt.
LIDINGTON: So you're sure?
CAPITA GUY: yEs sCOTtiSH bORder. 39 BilLioN. MaRCh. YoU haVE a LogO
LIDINGTON: Irish border
CAPITA GUY: iRiSH. YeS. ThAT's WhaT I sAID.
LIDINGTON: You didn't and I... look, you sound awfully familiar. Have we met?
CAPITA GUY: nO bUt I hAVe mANy bROthERs
REMINDER: This is the latest part of our brexity adventure. The story starts here:

And if you like this stuff then you can always buy me a coffee!

ko-fi.com/garius
And we're off again! Today's Brexit latest here:

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More from @garius see all

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REPORTER: What do you say to suggestions this NHS plan is unfunded?
MAY: I'll leave that to Phil to... Phil..? David?!

<on the A256>

HAMMOND: Where the FUCK did all these lorries come from?
STEPHEN: You said this would be a quick booze cruise!
LIDINGTON: She's going to kill us
STEPHEN: It's 8am. Why is there a lorry jam?!
LIDINGTON: I'm driving try calling her
HAMMOND: No signal. How does ANYONE live outside the M25?
STEPHEN: I'm on the edge of signal
HAMMOND: One bar?
STEPHEN: No it says edge
HAMMOND: That's not what it means
LIDINGTON: Just RING HER
STEPHEN: Lost signal
LIDINGTON: Where did the lorries come from?!
HAMMOND: Check the SatNav
LIDINGTON: I don't have one
HAMMOND: What?!
LIDINGTON: This is a 1991 Volvo 240 Phil. It is a classic
HAMMOND: FFS
LIDINGTON: You weren't moaning at Calais BeerMart
HAMMOND: Meh. Hatchback
Read 18 tweets
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Okay. So you're all going to have to massively ignore me for a second. Because I am about to fanboy the SHIT out.

And it is about an amazing writer who got a stubborn little kid (me) who is now a writer (still me) to read.
So when I was a kid, I used to love TV, particularly scifi and cartoons. Basically anything with a plot.

But I wasn't big on reading. That was meh.

Then my mum introduced me to Doctor Who novelisations at about age nine. And I DEMOLISHED them. But that was ALL I would read
I think I LOVED the stories, but I was still not that fussed about reading. Because it felt like extra effort. I mean, why not just WATCH them if you can instead?

But then my teacher said: "oh you like Doctor Who. Did you know we have Star Trek books in the school library?"
Read 9 tweets
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JAVID: Welcome to COBRA. I'd like to introduce Sgt Gary, our Gold Commander for the current immigration crisis
SGT GARY: Sir. What's the scale of the problem?
JAVID: 9
SGT GARY: Blimey! 900?
JAVID: No, 9
SGT GARY:
JAVID:
SGT GARY: Are you worried they can't field a full eleven?
JAVID: I think we can agree that this is an immigration crisis of unparalleled proportions. Tough action is called for!
SGT GARY: Are we still talking about NINE people?
JAVID: I have a note here that another four have turned up
SGT GARY: Well at least they have a subs bench now
JAVID: This is a threat to our national security
SGT GARY: 13 desperate people in a dinghy?
JAVID: They're in Folkestone! There's a nuclear power station!
SGT GARY: And also a really nice miniature railway. You think they're after that too?
JAVID: Oh no!
SGT GARY: I was JOKING
Read 10 tweets

Related threads

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Since technology solutions to the Irish border are being discussed again it is worth reminding ourselves that fancy systems are never a solution in themselves, you need processes, supervision, follow-on mechanisms etc to make them work
The importance of a border, as I was told, is "It's the only time you get the transport, declaration, supporting documents and goods together at the same time" - and a reminder that all systems stand or fall by how they deal with the exceptions
Laws / legal redress as I'm reminded by @Cardwell_PJ - the EU structure provides this, outside of this EEA could provide an alternative, but otherwise you're going to need to build this from scratch
Read 5 tweets
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yoonmin au | yoongi didn’t expect to worry so much on his last year of high school, it should have been just the inter school tournament but now on top of that he has to prove Coach he’s a great boyfriend for his son, understand Jimin, control his hormones and handle crazy rumors
once again, based on certain tropes and scenes of the tv show friday night lights.
don’t reply to the thread or it will break.

this is the continuation of another au, read this if you want to know how yoongi and jimin got togeher!:

They are making out. On Yoongi’s couch. Unbelievable.

Yoongi has gone from some sloppy kisses in a couple of truth or dare games to actual make out sessions with Park Jimin, who apparently has more experience than him and can make Yoongi lose his mind in a matter of seconds.
Read 142 tweets
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In which @DanielJHannan says (in the end) that EEA membership would be better than a customs union with the EU. Some thoughts.
1. Hannan is right to point out serious constitutional/democratic deficiencies with a CU. Essentially, the U.K. would be bound by tariffs (and trade remedies such as anti-dumping duty or responses to Trump tariffs) in which it - and Parliament - has no say.
Taxation - even taxation on imports - without representation raises democratic issues. (See Boston harbour in 1773.)
Read 22 tweets
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Two points about this thread.
1. This shouldn’t be controversial but, since the era of Elizabeth I, we have had the Civil War and the Glorious Revolution: the choice posited by Robert is not for the PM to take, but for Parliament.
The U.K. constitution is in many ways dysfunctional, but that point is tolerably clear (though that does not stop the executive trying it on: see the dispute over the “meaningful vote”).
Read 7 tweets
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Recap of debate in House of Lords y'day on Amendment 25 re: Irish #border in EU Withdrawal Bill #Brexit
HoL had tabled an amendment specifying no checks & controls of any sort. Pared-back version offered by govt in compromise was passed.
Only 1 dissenting voice @PeterHain
(1/7)
Lord Duncan said govt accepted thrust of amendment but made 3 changes to ensure it's 'fit for the statute book':
- to reflect fact W'drawal Agmt =btn UK & EU not IRL
- to refer to '98 NI Act re: N/S cooperation
- tighten wording (but said still inc. range of checks/controls)
2/7
5 Lords spoke. Lord Cormack welcomed ‘real meeting of minds’ in this instance. Lord Murphy reported from BIIPA ‘unanimous agmt that Brexit is dominating British-Irish rels’
& noted ‘there is no political voice from NI in the negotiations dealing with these important issues.’
3/7
Read 7 tweets
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Interesting and balanced EU report on how technology could help the Irish border issue. Comments in thread... “Smart Border 2.0 Avoiding a hard border on the island of Ireland for Customs control and the free movement of persons”
europarl.europa.eu/RegData/etudes…
1 Even if the parties, UK in particular, could decide what it wanted, and even if the scheme was based largely on the Norway-Sweden border as suggested, the development, installation and roll-out of any such system would require many years. My guess 5+ years.
The cost of the systems and kit to support such a border would (my guess again) run into the billions (CapEx) before you factor in the operating costs - personnel etc.
Read 8 tweets

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