Full disclosure, a couple months ago I underwent intensive therapy sessions that have made a difference with the PTSD. I don't feel well right now but it's not as bad as it could have been. So I'm taking the opportunity to note how I reacted to this.
There's a lot of shame that just floods you when you feel like you - just you - can't have what others can take for granted, stuff like "check in to a flight" or "get through an airport without an interrogation" or "see my family". It's difficult not to take it personally.
I don't know if others would react the same way, but what I experienced was definitely shame. Of course, I told myself I have nothing to be ashamed of, and that made me feel better. But the original feeling was definitely one of shame.
Why shame? Now keep in mind your subconscious works differently from your everyday awake brain. It was getting a pretty harsh message: "You're inferior to these people. They get to be treated as normal human beings, you don't. You get treated as a criminal."
Of course this isn't a reaction to a one-off event, but to a history of such incidents extending all across one's life, affecting who you are, what you got out of life, where you are, etc. It seeps into you and it takes a lot of courage and soul searching to wash it away.
But grappling with it made me who I am. When a lifetime of life experiences is telling you that you can't be as good, can't aspire for what others have, telling you to accept a lower place - then success becomes resistance. Success becomes a huge middle finger to "the system".
I noticed how I'm reacting. I became hypervigilant to other people looking at me, suddenly it's not just innocent looks but judgements. I also became super polite, as if I want to apologize profusely to everyone around me for the inconvenience of my own existence.
Of course, the exhaustion and disorientation and dizziness, combined with constant PTSD flashbacks and occasional dissociation, means you're bumping into people, taking missteps, getting confused, and so it gives you many opportunities to say "sorry" to people anyway
Of course I managed to find comfort in faith, in friends and family, in all of you guys and your love. And in the knowledge that none of this is my fault and that I have something important to say precisely because I go through this. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
But I couldn't stop thinking of those who don't have a support network. I mean, I have you guys, I can vent to you, I can use you as a sounding board, and I can reach out to you for assistance or support. Imagine how many refugees have none of that. None of it.
The lesson to me is to always be kind. You have no idea what others may be going through or what they're struggling with. No matter how bad you're having it, someone is having it worse. To be the change you want to see in the world, you need to think of those less lucky than you.
You wanna make this dark place better? One word: Love. The opposite of fear isn't safety, the opposite of fear is love. We can't feel safe until we feel loved.
وأنت تعود إلى البيت، بيتك، فكر بغيرك
لا تنس شعب الخيام
وأنت تنام وتحصي الكواكب، فكر بغيرك
ثمّة من لم يجد حيّزا للمنام
لا تنس شعب الخيام
وأنت تنام وتحصي الكواكب، فكر بغيرك
ثمّة من لم يجد حيّزا للمنام
وأنت تحرّر نفسك بالاستعارات، فكر بغيرك
من فقدوا حقهم في الكلام
وأنت تفكر بالآخرين البعيدين، فكر بنفسك
قل: ليتني شمعةٌ في الظلام
من فقدوا حقهم في الكلام
وأنت تفكر بالآخرين البعيدين، فكر بنفسك
قل: ليتني شمعةٌ في الظلام
