ah whoops i thought about too many things and had too many ideas so the "soul-crushing rage at having to be at work for no fucking reason and knowing i'll forget or lose motivation by the time i get home in two hours" is here
lots of things i could do right now! too bad i'm in fucking prison for the crime of: born
i realize i fucked up and i promise to do better next life. can i be fucking paroled now
it was a huge fucking mistake having a brain or thoughts or desires or wanting to do anything
i was way happier, on the balance, when i just drifted through life staring into space all day long at work and then going home and playing games until i couldn't physically open my eyes anymore. yeah i was rotting and empty but i didn't have to feel this
i built a amplifier with (1) transistor a couple nights ago and it was like, wow, i rremember electronics. i remember being 17 and having time for them. then i got a job! haha!
it's been 13 fucking years since i had any free time and sometimes i think i'd rather have a lobotomy than have to keep watching my desires and ideas wither on the vine because I didn't get the model of brain that can squeeze a productive life into 3 hours before bedtime
neurotypical people don't interact i don't want to hear about how you got so much done in 30 minutes on the train ride home when it takes me three hours to calm my brain enough to even begin thinking about a project and the runup is 8 hours or 3 days of anxiety
i was gonna do shit tonight but i just fucking know the anxiety i started feeling as soon as i said that two hours ago, and which is now at deafening volume, is going to tank that completely. i'm going to do nothing tonight.
