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John Bull @garius
, 18 tweets, 4 min read Read on Twitter
MAY: So how does the Brexit vote look?
LIDINGTON: 30 votes
MAY: Okay. If we lose by that I can survive.
LIDINGTON: No, that's how many votes we'd get.
MAY: Oh. OH.
LIDINGTON: Sorry. Wait. 29. I keep counting Grant Shapps twice
<in a shed>
STARMER: The Tories are going to lose!
CORBYN: <wise grin>
MCDONNELL: Call for a Peoples Vote? JK Rowling's on Twitter saying
CORBYN: <scribbles>
STARMER: He's drawing! It's
MCDONNELL: It's a picture of Dobby
STARMER: What does that mean?
MCDONNELL: Not a fucking clue
STARMER: Thank you for your counsel
CORBYN: <serene look>
MCDONNELL: We will ponder this and take action

<exit shed>

STARMER: It's a picture of Dobby
MCDONNELL: I know what it is
STARMER: What does it mean?
MCDONNELL: Well I don't fucking know Keir. Wait. I've got an idea...
STARMER: What are you doing?
MCDONNELL: I'm getting a photo of Corbyn's Dobby picture
STARMER: Why?
MCDONNELL: Because we don't HAVE to know what it means, Keir
STARMER: I don't get it
MCDONNELL: I'm going to email it to every fucker I can think of and let Rorschach do the rest
<in cabinet>

RUDD: Lose this vote and there'll be chaos. Markets will tumble. Panic will reign
GOVE: <lich wail>
MAY: Michael is quite positive about that
RUDD: Of course he is! He's an undead horror!
GOVE: <sorrowful mewling>
RUDD: Sorry. 'Eldritch being'
GOVE: <happy gurgle>
RUDD: I'm just... wait. Did you all get that email?
GRAYLING: Oh! What a LOVELY Dobby picture!
MAY: By Jeremy?! SHIT
GRAYLING: The linework is glorious
MAY: Dobby is a symbol of the oppressed masses. Labour are about to act. Hook the vote!
LIDINGTON: Prime Minister
MAY: DO IT NOW
<in France>

AIDE: Mon President! Regard!
MACRON: C'est Dobby!
AIDE: Oui. En Dobby magnifique.
MACRON: Dobby is a symbol of fraternity among all beings. I was wrong. Raise the minimum wage
AIDE: En anglais?!
MACRON: Oh don't make such a big thing about it Rene. It was just easier
<a room that smells of boy>

REES-MOGG: Men's rights...
CHOPE: Moggy look!
REES-MOGG: Dobby! You know what this means?
CHOPE: Tell!
REES-MOGG: Dobby is a reminder that everyone should know their place. Send word to all! Letters must go in! The ERG are going to war!
CHOPE: Huzzah!
MAY: Where am I?
GOVE: YoU aRE aSLEep. I hAVe cOmE tO yoU In YoUR drEAms sO We mAY tALK
MAY: Michael?! What is this place, it's so cold. So sad. Like the soul of a dead clown
GOVE: iT Is mY ElDRitCH rEAlm
MAY: It reminds me of Blackpool, actually
GOVE: ReALLy? I'Ve NeVER beEn.
MAY: Speak foul demon
GOVE: BIt hARSh
MAY: You've literally invaded my dreams with a vision of Blackpool
GOVE: I kNow bUt StILL
MAY: Get to the point Michael
GOVE: wHEn yOU wAKe: reMEMBer. PaRaDOX haVE a sALe oN. NoW i MUst gO. wOoOo
MAY: What?
GOVE: WoOOo
MAY: Yes I got that bit
MAY: Gah. It's 6am. Who's calling... hello?
LIDINGTON: It's me
MAY: David?! Do you know what fucking time it is?!
LIDINGTON: 48 Letters are in
MAY: What?! Wait... Michael... That little fucker!
LIDINGTON: Prime Minister?
MAY: David. Get Me Gove's Steam Wishlist and my credit card
REMINDER! The Brexit Adventures start here!

CAFFEINE! Don't forget, if you're enjoying these, then retweet and maybe buy me a coffee. It's appreciated and helps keep Phil Hammond at bay! ko-fi.com/garius
MAY: Well PMQs was brutal
LIDINGTON: Look. Theresa. I've got to ask...
MAY: I'm not quitting
LIDINGTON: But...
MAY: What's Chris up to right now?
LIDINGTON: Grayling? I gave him some Sticklebricks to play with until nap time
MAY: If I quit, he's the next PM
LIDINGTON: Sweet Jesus
LIDINGTON: You're not serious
MAY: If I quit, Grayling gets PM
LIDINGTON: He's an idiot!
MAY: Yes. But he's also not racist, corrupt, black, rabidly remain, rabidly brext or Michael Gove. He's a human Twitter egg avatar and that makes him least-worst candidate
LIDINGTON: Fuck
LIDINGTON: Chris can't be PM
MAY: Who else? Boris?! The man thinks he's a Churchill
LIDINGTON: Well to be fair, he is. Just one of the earlier Syphilitic ones
MAY: Exactly
LIDINGTON: Amber Rudd?
MAY: Windrush
LIDINGTON: Wasn't that YOUR fault?
MAY: Potatoes Po-TA-toes, David
LIDINGTON: Liam Fox for PM?
MAY: Fox's 'controversies' section on Wikipedia has ACTUAL SUBSECTIONS. He's so creepy that even Gove avoids him
LIDINGTON: Gove then!
MAY: Eldritch horror, David.
LIDINGTON: We've done it before
MAY: Michael Howard was a Lich. Know your Monster Guide.
LIDINGTON: Okay. Say Grayling DOES become PM by default...
GRAYLING: Hello!
LIDINGTON: SHIT. That was three times!
GRAYLING: I made a Sticklebrick house.
MAY: Very nice Chris
GRAYLING: And Gove says he's going to throw a pizza party about me
LIDINGTON: SHIT
MAY: See what I mean?!
WOO COFFEE! If you like these, why not buy me a coffee while the pound is still worth something! ko-fi.com/garius
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More from @garius see all

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Okay. So you're all going to have to massively ignore me for a second. Because I am about to fanboy the SHIT out.

And it is about an amazing writer who got a stubborn little kid (me) who is now a writer (still me) to read.
So when I was a kid, I used to love TV, particularly scifi and cartoons. Basically anything with a plot.

But I wasn't big on reading. That was meh.

Then my mum introduced me to Doctor Who novelisations at about age nine. And I DEMOLISHED them. But that was ALL I would read
I think I LOVED the stories, but I was still not that fussed about reading. Because it felt like extra effort. I mean, why not just WATCH them if you can instead?

But then my teacher said: "oh you like Doctor Who. Did you know we have Star Trek books in the school library?"
Read 9 tweets
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JAVID: Welcome to COBRA. I'd like to introduce Sgt Gary, our Gold Commander for the current immigration crisis
SGT GARY: Sir. What's the scale of the problem?
JAVID: 9
SGT GARY: Blimey! 900?
JAVID: No, 9
SGT GARY:
JAVID:
SGT GARY: Are you worried they can't field a full eleven?
JAVID: I think we can agree that this is an immigration crisis of unparalleled proportions. Tough action is called for!
SGT GARY: Are we still talking about NINE people?
JAVID: I have a note here that another four have turned up
SGT GARY: Well at least they have a subs bench now
JAVID: This is a threat to our national security
SGT GARY: 13 desperate people in a dinghy?
JAVID: They're in Folkestone! There's a nuclear power station!
SGT GARY: And also a really nice miniature railway. You think they're after that too?
JAVID: Oh no!
SGT GARY: I was JOKING
Read 9 tweets
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I don't think tea sellers are spotting that game streamers are MASSIVE tea drinkers

Because if you're pulling a 6hr sesh on camera you need hydration that:

1) Tastes nice
2) Isn't beer/coffee

I had to send @BirdandBlendTea to Z because it was PAINFUL watching him drink Liptons
@BirdandBlendTea With my Digital Influencer hat on (the weird embarrassing hat I don't like putting on too much) I do wonder if this is an area micro-sponsorship that no one is leveraging here

We get offered games discount codes for followers all the time. Why aren't we offered the same for tea?
@BirdandBlendTea It's CONSTANTLY being seen (and taste-tested) on screen and is cheap to ship samples of.

@itsZdan LITERALLY has a !tea command so you can see what he's drinking (Which I'm totally stealing!)

Micro-sponsorships fascinate me. They're win-win and we don't think creatively enough.
Read 3 tweets

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So, it’s been a hellish week. The family business was started by my grandad after the war. Most employees have been with us for a long time.

I did not want to run it, was happy enough in the City, but when my uncle retired someone had to.

We did OK for 9 years
but when Brexit hit, the orders from EU withered. I spent most of my year in Near and Far East Asia trying to find new customers. The costs of distribution, compliance & corrruption are very high, & you cannot trust that a Chinese or Indian customer will actually honour a
contract. My high price law firm said of China “It’s only when you sign a contract in China that the negotiation begins”. Multinationals have the muscle & product clout to prevail in these markets. For SMEs they are a death sentence. I shipped £140k of product to Shenzhen in
Read 21 tweets
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1) Corbyn reality check
I'll admit I've never been a Corbyn fan, my personal low point was actually the Sky TV special he did just before the Ref

I actually hoped he'd push a pro EU line but instead, he spent more time on rail nationalisation than the EU, it was very depressing
2) the follow up with "we must trigger article 50 immediately" was shocking in itself but it was also the first time I saw Corbyn supporters pushing a "but what he meant was.." to any significant degree. That's the moment I suppose people really got entrenched either side
3) and its easy to understand why Corbyn's supporters feel under siege with the constant attacks.

But as we approach a cliff edge #Brexit in 100 days & Corbyn's limitations are helping to get us there, perhaps its time for a retrospective - maybe everyone was right?
Read 27 tweets
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1. The Rolls Royce story this morning was instructive. They are moving their design approvals work to Germany. They say it won't involve that many job losses - but that's only really the tip of the iceberg for the sector...

#Brexit thread
2. Passenger aircraft go through a series of maintenance checks at depots in the UK. There are deep inspections and none of this can be done without authorisations and certifications. That's the sort of services trade in danger by leaving the EEA. and especially so with no deal
3. Then, if one of these inspections finds a patch of corrosion in the wing, that section of rib or stringer has to be cut out and replaced. A designer has to come up with a solution that not only fits, but also can withstand the stress.
Read 18 tweets
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It seems @YouTube removed the footage of the Q & A statement on the visit to the UK, by @Alston_UNSR, UN Special Rapporteur on extreme poverty & human rights. @theresa_may & @AmberRuddHR both dismiss it - judge for yourself. Here it is in document form: ohchr.org/Documents/Issu…
I am going to use this thread to share some of the data that is referenced from this report. Because it matters and isn't shared enough.
A new measure of poverty for the UK: The final report of the Social Metrics Commission. September 2018. Full report - socialmetricscommission.org.uk/MEASURING-POVE…
Via @jrf_uk Destitution in the UK (June) 2018. Full Report: jrf.org.uk/report/destitu…

"1,550,000 people, including 365,000 children, were destitute in the UK during 2017. They could not afford to buy the bare essentials we all need to eat, stay warm, dry, & clean."
Read 27 tweets
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Brexit Irony No.521:
Brexit would make Metropolitan Elitism worse-

The Brexit vote was against our London-centric system. So if there's an economic hit because of a Brexit London voted against, Westminster would make sure the London Banking sector survived but everywhere else...
Many of the problems that pushed people to vote Brexit had nothing to do with the EU. One of those problems was the government choosing to protect the banks who caused the crash with bailouts while ordinary people just got austerity.
The rich took irresponsible risks with the country's future, but they were protected either by moving their money away or by the government and it was those with least who suffered the most.
Sound familiar? #Brexit
Read 5 tweets
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I feel like driving up some controversy, so how about a thread of Hot Takes/Unpopular Opinions! You know the drill, one like = one take/opinion.

Start easy: the blunt awkwardness/cringe of 'Blurryface' is the point of taking the piss out of Tyler. I stand by my light 9/10.
2. I don't hate Nickelback's 'Dark Horse' - it's easily a record for them at their most tasteless, but the frat-bro swagger of it helps some of their better hooks.
3. 'Fireflies' by Owl City is a genuinely terrific song that captures precocious, starry-eyed wonderment better than few others in the 2000s.

It is SPECTACULARLY lame, but that's why it works.
Read 177 tweets

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