“I'm saying, Come on, the global warming thing? How did the ice melt during the ice ages? Was the dinosaurs driving SUVs around back then?” 
“Ever since my grade school days, as I mastered the art of 'faking sick' and I stumbled across 'The View,' I've been confusedly asking myself the same question... How do these dumb broads remain gainfully employed?”
“The children now... show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”
“Kids! I don't know what's wrong with these kids today! Kids! Who can understand anything they say? Kids! They are disobedient, disrespectful oafs! Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy, loafers! While we're on the subject: Kids!”
“No longer is a person embarrassed because they’re pregnant without a husband. Five or six different children, same woman, 8, 10 different husbands or whatever. Pretty soon you’re going to have to have DNA cards so you can tell who you’re making love to.” ”
“I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did!”
