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Positions vs intentions: Before you attempt to change someone’s mind, ask yourself why you want to do that. Why do you want to persuade them?When you think you know, share your intentions up front. 1/10
If you don’t do that, people will assume your intentions. Whatever they assume will become your “actual” position in their minds, and you run the risk of not having the conversation you intended.
If they believe that your position is, “You are gullible/stupid/deluded/in the wrong group/a bad person,” then of course they will resist. They think you want to damage their esteem/ego/self/identity. Motivated reasoning takes over, and the facts will now be irrelevant.
Now, if that IS your position and what you want, you aren’t going to persuade them (and you’re an asshole). But I bet it isn’t (and you aren’t).
I was once arguing with a family member about a conspiracy theory. We were debating the facts — for a long time. It got heated. Exhausted, I took a breath and asked myself what I wanted. Then I said, “I love you, [person], and I’m just worried that you are being mislead.”
The debate ended instantly. We then entered a conversation about who we can trust on the internet, far outside of the previously argumentative frame. They softened, and admitted they weren’t sure of the facts. I was relieved.
When I asked myself why I wanted them to change their minds, my answer was, “I don’t trust their sources, and don’t want them to trust those sources either.” Why? “Because I trust other sources who disagree, and I wish they did too.” Why? “I want us to be on the same side.” Why?
You can keep asking, “Why?” until you are contemplating quarks and gluons. But it’s crucial you at least share your top-level intentions for challenging someone’s beliefs or else both of your positions will be: “I am right, and I think you are wrong.”
The key here is to avoid a debate and start a conversation. Debates have winners and losers, and no one wants to be a loser. Sensing identity threat, reasoning on both sides will be employed toward the goal of winning instead of determining the truth.
I learned this technique from @mishaglouberman, and we discussed it on my podcast here: youarenotsosmart.com/2018/12/17/yan… - and it will be part of my upcoming book about how minds change.
