Thread by @GuyEndoreKaiser

Howard Schultz is in the news, so here's my only Howard Schultz story. Back when I used to work in movie marketing we did a million dollar deal to advertise one of our films in every Starbucks location. It was a big initiative for Schultz, so he flew down to LA for the meeting.

The next day, after everything was signed, Howard's assistant handed me a gift bag and said Howard had really enjoyed meeting me. I was stoked, this was the first gift I'd ever gotten from a billionaire.

I took it back to my office, because I didn't want to make any of my colleagues jealous. I opened it up, and inside was an assortment of loose tea bags. What the fuck? I dumped them on my desk, dumbfounded, and that's when I saw it...

A Starbucks gift card, unlike any I had ever seen. Covered in shiny foil, this thing caught the light from every angle. It was beautiful. I was sure it was a lifetime gift card. I wondered how many were in existence. Surely less than a hundred.

The next day I took it into Starbucks. I wondered if the barista had ever seen one in person. I imagined he might have to call his manager over, and his eyes would go wide, and they'd whisper about me in hushed tones, while the rest of the employees gathered around to gawk at it.

I ordered a triple venti soy latte. I slid the magnificent card to the barista and waited for his reaction. I'll never forget his words: "You still owe fifteen cents."

To celebrate a million dollar deal, Howard Schultz gave me some loose tea bags and a five dollar gift card.

I will not be voting for Howard Schultz for President, and I invite all of you to join me.