Thread by @PGeeman

1. Hello and welcome! It’s episode 240 of #MrMrsBetterHalf. Mr. & Mrs Better Half is designed to strengthen marriages & relationships that will lead to marriage, with wisdom from God's Word.

2. Last week, we discussed the topic: “I told my wife something from my past but she uses it against me when we quarrel”. If you missed it, get it here bit.ly/2O2sY0X #MrMrsBetterHalf.

3. This week, we'll be discussing d question,“My fiancé says 3 of his siblings will stay with us after we get married & I just can’t deal. Help!”For this person it’s siblings but for others it cld be parents, cousins, aunts, uncles / other extended family members.#MrMrsBetterHalf

4. It’s easy to see why one might freak out at this prospect. You may be worried about the lack of privacy, having people drain your resources, and even scarier- what if they never leave? Or what if they are horrible and try to run your home or run you out of it? #MrMrsBetterHalf

5. If you’re already married & are facing or are about to face this issue, this episode will also be useful for you. Hopefully you should be able to get tips that can help you address the situation @ hand in a way that will result in a win for all those involved. #MrMrsBetterHalf

6. Living with in-laws can be tricky, especially when you hear all sorts of tales or watch movies about wicked or strange relatives from hometowns and villages that come to invade your space. #MrMrsBetterHalf

7. As a single person, you may be wondering if it won’t make sense to just avoid all that drama and end things while you have the chance. Especially if you’ve always dreamed of an idyllic setting with just you and your spouse until you start to have children. #MrMrsBetterHalf

8. However it’s important to point out that life will not always be the stuff of dreams- whether the bad dreams or d good ones. So first of all, let’s deal with the ideal dream. You’ve probably dreamt of a comfortable first home whr it will only be u & ur spouse. #MrMrsBetterHalf

9. The reality, however, is that many young couples have had to live in their parents’ houses, basements or family compounds for years until they found their feet. What if their extended families were unwilling to accommodate them when they were in need? #MrMrsBetterHalf

10. It's also rare for 2 people to come completely free of responsibilities. Usually there’s a relative that needs financial assistance, accommodation or medical care. In a perfect world, all these things wld be taken care of but we don’t live in a perfect world. #MrMrsBetterHalf

11. So for those about to get married, please understand that your partner did not drop from a tree and neither did you. There are people in your lives that matter to both of you and you will most likely be called upon to assist them at one time or the other. #MrMrsBetterHalf

12. The second scenario is the nightmare- that having a relative is a recipe for disaster. That is not always the case. The fact that others may have had bad experiences with their in-laws doesn’t mean that you will automatically have a terrible time as well. #MrMrsBetterHalf

13. Now I’m not holding a brief for the guy or lady that is suggesting that his or her siblings live with you, but I’m saying when faced with a situation, don’t always assume the worst, think about things from different angles & try to proffer the best solution. #MrMrsBetterHalf

14. Also remember that this is a situation that could go both ways – this time it’s ur fiancé that has siblings that he wants to live with you. Another time, it cld be ur relatives that could be in need of a place to stay. Ur action today is a seed for tomorrow. #MrMrsBetterHalf

15. The first thing to do is have a conversation about why s/he is suggesting they live with you and listen to the reason(s) with an open mind, not just for a counter-attack. Are they his wards? Are they unemployed? Is it for their security? What’s the reason? #MrMrsBetterHalf

16. Are the siblings in school & just need a place to stay for the holidays? Are they just starting out at work and not yet earning enough to get their own accommodation? Maybe they are planning to relocate & just need a temporary place to stay for a few months. #MrMrsBetterHalf

17. Understanding the reason will help you see how to either find an alternative for the relatives or at least have a game plan for how long this season will last. You may find that some of these things will just naturally resolve themselves. #MrMrsBetterHalf

18. If you are marrying a man or woman who plays the role of family breadwinner, understand that you are marrying someone who is already a parent-figure and for a while, not only will s/he continue to fill that role, but you will also need to join him/her. #MrMrsBetterHalf

19. In this kind of situation remember 2 things. It is temporary; those siblings will not be dependent on you forever & secondly you're sowing a seed into their destinies. Your labour of love and kindness will not go unrewarded whether now or in the life to come. #MrMrsBetterHalf

20. If you are the one with the siblings/relatives that you want to live with you, understand that you are asking for your partner to understand your situation and to compromise. You also must be willing to do the same. #MrMrsBetterHalf

21. Regardless of if you are acting as breadwinner or not, I advise you to discuss and agree on the time frame that this will last. So for instance, if your siblings are new to the workforce, you may give them 1 year to live rent-free so they can save & move out. #MrMrsBetterHalf

22. If you are the one with the siblings, you must communicate this timeline to siblings yourself. This is not a job for your spouse to do. And you must also ensure that you communicate it in a way that they do not think your spouse is trying to kick them out. #MrMrsBetterHalf

23. Human beings have a way of believing the worst of people. You must do your best to communicate with your relatives that you and your fiancé want the best for them, which also includes them attaining a level of independence. #MrMrsBetterHalf

24. While you should try to get ur relatives to understand ur position, don’t leave urself vulnerable to manipulation. Don't let them make u feel bad for having to take good decisions that will move all ur lives forward even if it means stretching them a little. #MrMrsBetterHalf

25. On the other hand, your fiancé might just be the sort of person that likes family around him or her. If s/he grew up in a house with aunties, uncles and all sorts of relatives, s/he might believe this is just part of being hospitable. #MrMrsBetterHalf

26. For him/her, opening your doors to family members in need is a way to show love and promote community. How do you communicate that you want a nuclear family when s/he generally favours an extended one? #MrMrsBetterHalf

27. If you grew up in a strictly nuclear family, having live-in relatives could be unimaginable for you, but understand that this is your partner’s reality. In stating your case, you must be careful you don’t come across as unfeeling, insensitive & inhospitable. #MrMrsBetterHalf

28. This is where couples’ marriage counselling is often very useful. You get to discuss the differences in your backgrounds and how to address them and see them as possible strengths rather than points of conflict. #MrMrsBetterHalf

29. Help your fiancé see that you are not used to living with extended families. For instance, point out that you are used to dressing freely and parading around the house without being worried about who might see you in an outfit that isn’t too modest. #MrMrsBetterHalf

30. However, as much as possible don't make your desire to live a nuclear lifestyle only about you. Saying things like ‘I want my kitchen, I want my own TV room or my privacy’ may make you look selfish. Paint the bigger picture. #MrMrsBetterHalf

31. You may point out the need for some privacy since both of you are newlyweds and you want the liberty to show yourselves affection at any time without third-party observers. You also need space to really get to know yourselves in this early stage. #MrMrsBetterHalf

32. Your aim and objective should be to find a way to reach a suitable compromise. If what you are trying to achieve is hospitality, can you be hospitable without them living with you? Why not have periodic large, festive dinner for your families? #MrMrsBetterHalf

33. You must come to terms with is that your way is not the only way. The fact that your partner does things differently doesn’t make it wrong. You both need to put yourselves in each other’s shoes and understand and appreciate your differences. #MrMrsBetterHalf

34. There could be various scenarios for having your in-laws live with you and I can’t cover them all. I advise that you don’t end the relationship but rather talk things through to see how you can best manage with the situation. Here are a few tips that will be useful.

35. (a) Be clear on timing, terms and conditions and stick to the agreements made. Don’t let your extended family hold you hostage by their failure to launch. Sometimes you have to push them out of the net. Know when to show grace and when to put your foot down. #MrMrsBetterHalf

36. (b) Establish hierarchy very early. Some relatives say things like ‘it’s my brother’s house, therefore it is my house.’ Wrong. Your relatives are guests in your home. Establish the hierarchy not to disrespect them but to create order, love and respect. #MrMrsBetterHalf

37. (c) Create private spaces in your home that are just for you and your spouse. If you happen to have a granny flat or boy’s quarters, let your relatives stay there. If not, ensure your relatives know there are certain parts of your house that are off limits. #MrMrsBetterHalf

38. Your relatives must have clearly defined boundaries in your home. They should not just barge into bedrooms or other places you have defined as private. Try to create your nuclear spaces even within the communal setting. #MrMrsBetterHalf

39. (d) For newlyweds, try to arrange an alternate living arrangement for the relatives for the honeymoon/post-wedding period. It’s important to have some alone time with your spouse, even if it is for a month or two. #MrMrsBetterHalf

40. Also, make a deliberate effort to have periodic getaways where it can just be the two of you. Since your privacy at home is limited, get creative. Go on more dates, do some weekend getaways, etc. #MrMrsBetterHalf

41. (e) Finally, be open to alternatives. If your fiancé/spouse and your relatives don't get along and can’t resolve their conflicts think seriously about another solution. Do whatever you can to prevent your home from becoming hostile territory. #MrMrsBetterHalf

42. I hope this has been helpful. I will be back next week with another topic. Until then, thanks for following, participating and RTing. May your marriages and relationships be sweet! #MrMrsBetterHalf