Thread by @socialistdogmom

i just found out my overpriced overly complicated internet package somehow resulted in me having hbo. i want to watch the absolute worst movie currently on hbo - any ideas?

there is a nonzero chance i’m about to livetweet watching the meg or some shit.

lmao excuse me they made another mummy movie in 2017 starring tom cruise? who is doing this?

ok which of these awful movies should i soothe my stupid brain with? statham, cruise, the rock, or the hulk?

well, the results of the poll ARE BINDING, so i am about to watch the big shark movie. have i mentioned i'm really afraid of the ocean?

just kidding - the shark movie was too boring for the first fifteen minutes. gonna watch the bad mummy movie. it opens, as all movies about ancient egyptian curses do, in twelfth century england. perfect.

oh i see, it's curse-inception. there is a big english tomb full of cursed crusader knights who got cursed one thousand years ago for messing with other, older tombs. the curse of the mummy's curse-on-thames.

is that russell crowe standing in a big old tomb while russell crowe voiceover says THE PAST CANNOT REMAIN BURIED FOREVER. oh yeah, he's about to reveal "antiquity's darkest secret" wow he's a brilliant science guy

i'm not totally sure why this ancient egyptian princess needed to do a naked blood sacrifice to the god of death if she was gonna murder her dad and that baby herself? girl, own your power. you didn't need god powers to kill that baby.

hey, i'm eight minutes into this film and russell crowe has literally said the exact phrase "the past cannot remain buried forever" two entire times. i think they might be about to unearth some stuff from the past?

x marks the spot, the spot where you should definitely go!

tom cruise got terrible advice from his travel agent

american foreign policy

they opened a sinkhole and then a pretty blonde lady slapped tom cruise. things are not going according to plan.

one thing i think is probably totally standard procedure when a significant archaeological find is discovered is to send one (1) archaeologist and one (1) bad boy US army sergeant who doesn't play by the rules and one (1) goofy sidekick rappelling down into the chasm alone.

probably fine that the ceilings inside this giant underground cave are dripping mercury onto them.
oh no there's an entire canal system and giant pool of mercury surrounded by cursed statues. y'all should probably go?

oh tom, no c'mon any idiot can tell that's a cursed ruby don't touch that

tom why did you shoot the ancient pulley system oh god no why are there so many spiders now

update: the goofy sidekick is shooting the camel spiders with a machine gun inside this tomb full of priceless antiquities

sidebar: when my dad came home from the first gulf war one of his guys brought back a camel spider in a jar of formaldehyde. my dad told him he couldn’t have it, confiscated it, and gave it to my sister. scared the shit out of her first grade teacher at show and tell.

tom cruise is cursed now and you can tell because birds are mad

ugh i hate to be a downer but like, i can’t stop thinking about his poor scratched corneas. just staring out the open side of a helicopter landing in the damn desert.

the guy who got bit by the spider is pale, diaphoretic, and weak. y’all gonna check on him or are we letting the goofy sidekick die in act one?

oh, side effects of cursed spider bites may include sweating, discomfort, and knife crime.

he double tapped his best friend with the gun in that position. standard army procedure.

the plane has been depressurized by a flock of angry crows flying through the windshield? it’s crashing now. everyone but tom cruise and the pretty but mean lady archaeologist with a secret are for sure gonna die.

ok they both could’ve used that one parachute, right? luckily tom cruise has been cursed by the egyptian god of death and is about to come back from the dead. classic waking up in a body bag gag.

lmao damn, called it. my dude is reading his own toe tag here, artfully concealing his dick. amazing cinematography.

i really don’t though

oh my god is there anything more embarrassing than when the pretty lady archaeologist you seduced so you could steal her map to the haunted treasure comes to the morgue to identify your corpse and you’re alive and everyone sees your penis?!

this guy is for sure gonna die. continuing to touch the sarcophagus AFTER all those birds cawed at you?

that’s just how they kissed 5000 years ago. it’s cultural.

ok so is this more of a zombie thing or...? because this mummy just made out with two security guards and turned them into monsters?

cursed to be the comic relief, even in death

my compliments to the screenwriters

i wish i could adequately convey to you the SLURPING SOUND the mummy princess makes when she french kisses the life force out of these extras

the mummy princess just licked tom cruise’s tummy and i am uncomfortable!

never look a gift horse in the mouth unless the gift is a human host for the ancient egyptian god of death in which case probably check his teeth out i guess

yeah there IS a strong female lead and she has a gang of zombie sidekicks and it’s NOT jenny

tbh i’m not sure why tom cruise is driving an ambulance covered in zombies through an english forest in this movie about an egyptian mummy.

where the fuck did this entire blackwater army of monster hunters just come from and why did that man just shoot tom cruise what is this movie doing

oh wow are you telling me draculas are real too? really laying some ambitious groundwork by leading our hero through your weird monster lab!

oh my god i forgot about russell crowe. he’s a doctor of chemical pathology and neurosurgery and immunology and infectious disease and also a lawyer. his name is... JEKYLL. DR HENRY JEKYLL.
god bless ‘em, they tried.

not thirty seconds after they revealed the name and he’s injecting serum into a mysteriously tiny baby hand and morphing into a monster

ok that might not be part of the plot. russell crowe might just have tiny hands

what kind of business is this?

sounds chill

no. no mummy movie you cannot. tom cruise confronts the mummy princess about murdering her dad and a BABY and she says “they were different times.”

half the script is just nuanced grunting instructions

blonde archaeologist pours her heart out thanking him for saving her from the crow-induced plane crash when there was only one parachute. he looks disgusted and says “i thought there was another one.”
is this a joke or a stab at character development?

every single one of russell crowe’s lines should have been struck from this script. “welcome to a new world of gods and monsters” c’mon

we are not all on the same page with regards to what we’re gonna do now that we’ve found the cursed egyptian ruby beneath the thames

this all could’ve been averted with more team meetings.

tom cruise is having a fistfight with mr hyde and the extra who turned evil after a spider crawled into his ear just took a fire axe to some kind of electrical box. now the mummy princess is puking mercury everywhere. so much is happening!

the mummy did some cirque du soleil moves and escaped and then she yelled so loud all the glass in london broke

lol why is there thirty more minutes of this

the haunted windstorm blew an entire bus through the air right at tom cruise and instead of being crushed to death by it he simply ducked and passed through a man sized hole in the bus’ already broken windshield. what an action star.

oh all those crusaders in the english tomb? chekov’s corpses - shown in the first act, awakened by a mummy princess in the third!

tom cruise fighting the reanimated corpse of a twelfth century english crusader in a sewer tunnel in london was not what i anticipated from this movie called “the mummy” about an egyptian mummy.

no longer needed, the crusaders dissolve with the same sound effect noted in the captions for the air strike at the beginning of the movie.
WHOOOOOSH! the official sound effect of imperialism!

whooooooosh!

i don’t understand the specifics of this curse but to prevent the mummy princess from stabbing him with the magic dagger, tom cruise stole it from her, tried to destroy it, but ultimately stabbed himSELF with the magic dagger. he seems fine though?

oh i see, he followed russell crowe’s plan after all. he had to become the cursed mummy lover so he could become powerful enough to french kiss the life out of the mummy princess, which he’s now accomplished. jenny still seems dead - maybe he can kiss life into her?

oh is he turning into a werewolf now?

his werewolf scream seems to have magically revived jenny from her recent drowning death.

shut the fuck up

ok but honestly i’d like to see the sequel. just because this movie is awful doesn’t mean they shouldn’t lay out another $150mil to make another one. what is even the point of capitalism.

thank you for watching this bad movie with me. i’m actually awful to watch movies with IRL because i would’ve just said all these things out loud.